How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

Crying at Trouser Cannon!

Not Tinder (I'm too old for that to be a thing last time I was single), but does anyone remember the delight that was Face Party? I remember various unsolicited DMs from men, once of which told me he wanted to 'finger my clit'. Reader, it still traumatises me 20+ years later.

I’m not on OLD anymore- I’d rather be single forever than date what’s on offer - but I was just looking at my WhatsApp horror stories screenshots. One delightful specimen stood out - a photo of an overweight flabby pasty faced pensioner with the bio ‘I love eating pussy and rimming yum yum’ 🤢

Thats nice dear 🤣

I have told this story before on MN but worth re-telling. I had dated this guy a few times. He was pleasant and quite nice, but thought quite a lot of himself and was proud of the muscles he had gained in the gym. Anyway, we went back to my then flat and eventually into the bedroom. We kissed for a while and then he got out of bed. With his back to me he peformatively slipped down his trousers. I think he was trying to show off the muscles in his rear. Anyway, what he revealed was a long piece of toilet paper dangling from his arse. From the colour of it, this had been used in a quite recent visit. I am really keen on hygiene and this was the end for me. I politely pointed it out. He rushed to the bathroom in embarrassment and I then said I had a headache and could we call it a noght.

I actually met my husband online (14 years ago though). But I did have some iffy matches from there before that. Not as bad as some of these stories though. Yikes!

One guy was just a wuss. No other way to describe him. He was nice enough, but seemed scared of his own shadow. Plus all his profile photos had hair, he was bald (and it didn't look shaved).

Next one was obsessed with weight watchers and spent almost the whole date talking about it. Admirable he'd lost so much weight. Boring to talk about it for nearly 2 hours 😴 also one with photos with hair, but actually bald! Although this one looked like he'd accepted fate and shaved it off 🤣

In the immediate moment, I told him he'd got things wrong, left the room and went and hid in another part of the building until it was time to go home.

After that we stopped the flirting by mutual but unspoken agreement rooted, I assume, in a coalescence of his embarrassment and my constant mental replay of his limp knob winking at me under harsh corporate strip lights.

About 18-months later, I handed in my notice for completely unrelated reasons.

I had a date with a guy who told me on the date he was the biggest fan of MickyJ.
Kept going on about the legacy of MickyJ.
Said he emulated and dressed like MickyJ.

I never worked out who MickyJ was until recently.

Michael Jackson.

Went on a first date with a man that asked how often i showered i said every day why?
He replied with oh even your teeth i said yes twice a day why?

He replied with i do everything twice a week shower shave teeth clean clothes it saves more time that way i can game longer.
His nails was filled with dirt he smelled musky i made an excuse and left and blocked him.

As an aside, That is a fucking BRILLIANT username @Vulvasaur 😆

Another Pokemon for us to see. I wonder what it would look like!

Fukkin hell! 😂

A penis fly trap...😂

Wow, just wow. Maybe I’ll give my marriage another 6 months if these stories show me the alternative!!!

went on a date with a man from Match.com as I thought a paying site would result in a higher calibre men after several Tinder Fails.
Met a heart surgeon from a top London hospital. Took me to a small local Italian restaurant, conversation was great..initially!

First red flag was him saying our body language was mirroring each others so we had chemistry (or you were copying mine?!) then he got pissed and showed me of his ex who was drunk out of her face, mascara running down her face, barely conscious in the Shoreditch house rooftop pool. In the video he was laughing at her and saying “hey smile for the camera”, so disturbing.

proceeded to tell me how he’s a Freemason and showed me photos of him in the full uniform, telling me he’s only showing me
because I’m special 😂😂

then says he will walk me to the train station home, but not before we happen to walk outside his front door where he tried desperately to get me to stay the night. We agreed breakfast the next morning instead but of course I didn’t hear back! What a creep!

Semi lolling across his left thigh 😂😂😂

PLEASE tell us how you managed to get out of that and what did you say?!

@NakedCivilServant ah just seen your update.

I would've loved to have been a fly on the wall for that!

Vulva ?

Surely your vagina would still work ?

Met a guy who had obviously posted a very old photo of himself and could have been my dad. We met at a wine bar where he was obviously a regular and he spent most of his time looking around at the other people in the room to see if they had spotted that he was on a date. I worked in a hospital at the time but was not a nurse and explained what my job was. He then asked me about 5 more times about being a nurse. Then he got onto a roll about how many DUIs he had avoided, and how he had managed to reduce charges on some of them. I said I would need to leave. As he was not listening to me at all, he rambled on about something unrelated, so I left when he went to the loo. Someone I worked with had been in the bar at the time, and told me he was really confused about why I had left. Her husband knew him. I explained at length. I hope she passed it on.

Oh no! Singing on voice notes 😂😂😂 This made me actually laugh out loud 😂😂😂

You people are hilarious!!

I saw the mansplaining called correctile dysfunction today, and felt it would be very appropriate for this thread :D

Any chance of getting all the comments about the lips deleted? Why do people try to derail and ruin a thread. There's more bickering about that than there is funny stories.

I've been OLD for a few months, and seem to manage to filter out the weirdos before it gets to the dating stage fortunately. All the dates I've been on have been fun and the men pretty respectful boringly.

@SpringleDingle ah that's lovely!!

It isn't something I read from a random website. I have knowledge in this regard. I already listed a small number of medical conditions linked to dry lips and dry mouth.

Yes, yes you did @Shuggles. The thing is, while this is something probably most of us are aware of, it isn’t what the thread is about. It’s irrelevant to the context of this thread. This is about men and their clueless and slow-witted behaviour when it comes to how they choose to communicate with women, which is rather ironic don’t you think?

Hahahahaha yes. It certainly belongs on this thread!

I have a couple more dating abominations I'll post after I've had my tea.

I think I've been on a date with shuggles in the past! Same type of responses & needlessly antagonistoc. Only waited for two drinks. He bought the first so I bought the second before leaving. Got a text later looking for the €2 difference because my drink way more expensive than his!

Second one, dated this seemingly normal guy for a few weeks. He had just bought a new house which was being renovated so it was a while before I stated over. Gorgeous house - clearly had an interior designer & really classy until when he got to the bedroom, I can only describe it as a Liverpool FC shrine. Completely with red carpet, red walls, club curtains and bedspread. Framed jerseys on the walls l etc. He was so excited for me to see it and so very proud of it. Fantastic for a 10 year child but for a 46 year old man, I thought WTF? Never could take him seriously after that.

I recently dipped my toe into online dating after splitting with my stbxh during pregnancy. After being honest about having a 4 month old baby the guy said it was actually a turn on and didn't put him off. When I asked wtf he meant his assumption that I hadn't had sex since giving birth was some kind of ultra turn on 🤮 safe to say he was blocked and I have given up (wasn't super interested anyway and that's the worst of a long list after only a few weeks dipping in)