How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

Not tinder but online dating site -
Was told by some charmer that he usually dates blondes with big boobs ( I’m brunette with small boobs) but MIGHT make an exception for me - no thanks negger
Another asked if I had a sense of humour or was I miserable like the rest of the bitches on the site.
Met one, got on great online- spent the date looking at his phone and asking my opinion on other potential dates from same site!
politely turned someone down ( before I learnt it’s best to ignore if not interested) got told they only sent me a message because they felt sorry for me 🤣
Got told I looked a bit like Davina McCall by one, said thanks he said, don’t like her, she’s a minger.
First message from one- I would be proud if you were my mum! thanks ( I think)
Got chatting to another, said I’d just started gym and loved the weight training, said eww I like feminine women not geezer birds.
Best one was from a very average man, saying if we were to go on a date, he would like me to wear thigh high boots and a mini skirt as he likes to “ show his women off” not to pick all the expensive things from the menu and then not give anything in return ( think we all know what that meant) and to walk in front of him so he could watch my bum wiggle.
I’m not on a dating site anymore!

Aw that's a shame, I see that one just as him trying to let you know he's a wheelchair user in a casual, humorous way.

stop derailing the thread with self righteous piffle

Some of these, I think it would be the whole shebang, from vulva to ovaries.
I am very old and very past all that, but mine from a blind date set up by my bestfs bf. I was 18ish, all dolled up in my new off the shoulder top and up rocks this guy, at least 35(on a good day), long greasy stringy hair, filthy fingernails, no front teeth. Well, the shut down process began, but I thought, no dont be judgy he might be a nice guy, when he said if he bought me a vodka and coke, I’d have to repay him, indicating his nasty panel van. I must have pulled a face, because he said, oh if you’re all high and mighty, you can blow me for a beer. Full lockdown.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could just clam everything shut irl?

@Jasmine82

Oh some of the dating app opening messages is a whole thread in itself.

Ive had all of the below

• are you into young men with big dicks
• Youre definitely a bird who loves anal
• Those hips - I’m already picturing grabbing them and pulling you down onto my cock
• It would be rude of me not to comment on your cracking tits.
• Are you up for an S&M session (from
• a man who was a dead ringer for fatbastard from Austin powers)
• Lets not waste time my number is 077xxxxxxx call me and I’ll come over to yours.

All 100% genuine first messages. And my profile was clear that I’m not looking for casual

Did you go on a date with Steve Buscemi?

That is hilariously funny 😂😂

What?? That's just hilariously nuts!!

Ugh...hideous!

I don't know what gives men this notion!
It's all about 'big cocks.' I haaaate the word cock and any
Bloke who uses it in a serious way can get in the bin. Why do they assume that we are just absolutely frothing at the mouth for their shrivelled up Richmond I have no idea. Dicks are fucking ugly. Us women certainly fit go round thinking of dick like men to our fannies. Unless you're Bonnie blue of course.

There were plenty of horror shows but one guy I met in a local pub for dinner after we met on Bumble. He asked me to meet him in the carpark but I had declined and said I'd meet him in the bar as I didn't fancy meeting a strange man in a dark car park. He showed up in terrible grey suit looking grey and nervous. We got along well until he disappeared to the loo and didn't come back for 30 minutes. Luckily I am ASD and had zoned out and didn't notice but apparently he was panicking that I'd think he ditched me. Turns out he is lactose intolerant and shouldn't pick suits! We are off to see a wedding venue on Saturday :)

I had a bloke (mid 50’s professional) who sent me a photo of himself naked with the photo taken high enough that I couldn’t see his dick but could clearly see his naked arse in a strategically positioned mirror.

Presumably I was supposed to be absolutely gagging got him after that image

Oh yes, I’ve had some crackers too
Can you take 10 inches or too big? I’m Tom by the way.
Front or back door?
Can meet for half an hour later while the wife is out.
Those just off the top of my head

Honestly does this approach even work? I don’t know a single female who thinks ‘ooh a man asking if I love anal, let’s get that date sorted’

And I can’t imagine many women send opening messages saying ‘I’ve got a massive vagina’ or ‘fancy a kneetrembler round the back of Asda’ etc etc

Though I’m sure the resident mansplainer will be along to tell us we’re wrong 🤣

It’s these men that are gross .
OLD just gives them a platform and most decent women wouldn’t come across these guys in real life .
These men would still be creeps in the street staring or the ones being touchy at office parties .
Or the ones behind computers alone in their rooms doing god knows what.
OLD means we now get to cross paths with these men .

Well aren’t you the lucky one. But none of us know what the future hold - when I was married for 27 years, I never envisioned being single in my 50’s but its not good to be smug because life doesn’t always work out as planned.

Absolutely true.

And if it wasn’t for OLD we wouldn’t have some of these absolutely brilliant stories to share.

It’s not gross at all but a perfectly legitimate way to meet someone. I’m married, and I realise dating these days can be a nightmare, but I’d give OLD a go if I found myself single. Might be a good hobby if nothing else 😂

I thought someone might say this. Totally true. Young guy in Bristol if anyone is wondering. Otherwise harmless apparently, just his revolting fetish!

My single mates and I have a WhatsApp group and the dating stories we share keep us in stitches.

We’ve come to realise that in general men are frankly ridiculous 🤣

I agree, @BatchCookBabe. And if someone does have a condition that causes dry lips and white, stringy mucus, I would assume that, firstly, they ought to be aware of it and secondly, there are things they can do to deal with the situation.

Part of dating is putting your best foot forward, surely? Making sure you smell nice, look your best, behave politely etc, so dealing with oral hygiene problems ought to be part of prepping for a date.

That makes me want to boke! 🤢

Its not an OLD story but vulva/vagina-clamping nonetheless.

A colleague and I had been flirting hard for a few months. I mean proper soft core seduction. Terribly inappropriate for work. It was all very sexy and clearly building to a night of debauchery at some point. But I was enjoying the chase and games.

One evening, we were both working late - the only two people in the building.

He called me from one of the meeting rooms and I was anticipating some slow, teasing kissing and touching. I ate a mint, I opened my top button in preparation. But he clearly had other ideas.
I sashayed into the meeting room to find him lying flat out stark bollock naked on the conference table with a decidedly disappointing semi lolling across his left thigh.

Until that point, he'd genuinely had me absolutely frothing and throbbing. But at that moment, every single scrap of sexual desire I had packed its bags and set sail.

Hi - yes, I did later think "maybe it's a bit of bravado because he expects me to knock him back as a wheelchair user" (which would not have been the case).

However, I declined a "come to my place" as a first meet (which had already made me uncomfortable - we'd not been chatting 10 minutes) before the wheelchair comment. From his photos, I had no way of knowing if he was a wheelchair user or if it was something he said to make himself appear less threatening.

He also followed up with "good choice, I'd have tried anyway" which, for a 10-minute interaction with an internet random, made me feel rather like a piece of meat as opposed to a potential date.

Had I met him offline, and had our first interaction not been "come to my place, I'd have tried to jump you anyway", maybe it would have been a different story.

My fave one yet! What happened next?! Did you leg it out of there? I have visions of him looking all dejected while getting his clothes back on 😂

Can you take 10 inches or too big? I’m Tom by the way.

Absolutely, my vagina is cavernous. 😝