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Original poster

How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

695 replies

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
EnjoythemoneyJane · 04/02/2025 20:26

OMG this is the thread that keeps on giving - @NakedCivilServant & @Cyclebabble, those stories are brilliant 😂

DeadSpace3 · 04/02/2025 20:28

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 03/02/2025 17:54

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

That sounds like 4 men were lucky enough to dodge a bullet 😁

Scirocco · 04/02/2025 20:30

heartfluttters · 04/02/2025 15:40

Went on a first date with a man that asked how often i showered i said every day why?
He replied with oh even your teeth i said yes twice a day why?

He replied with i do everything twice a week shower shave teeth clean clothes it saves more time that way i can game longer.
His nails was filled with dirt he smelled musky i made an excuse and left and blocked him.

And this is why we need a vomit reaction option.

Doodleflips · 04/02/2025 20:42

DeadSpace3 · 04/02/2025 20:28

That sounds like 4 men were lucky enough to dodge a bullet 😁

Show quote history

Has another man arrived…..

Minkytink · 04/02/2025 20:45

Once met a guy after chatting on phone for a week … his opening bandit was “so … how am I going to get you to move to ??? “(His home town 50 miles away)

I replied “your not in this life time”

Necked my drink quickly, and pretended I’d got a message about my poorly aunt..

BountifulPantry · 04/02/2025 20:51

On a first date a man spoke to me extensively about a family friend who had very recently been recently convicted of possession of child sexual abuse images….

A fun, lighthearted convo for a first date?!?!

LalaPaloosa2024 · 04/02/2025 20:51

Moier · 03/02/2025 18:45

Took a train to meet a guy ( he asked me out for lunch). We went to a cafe ( just your average cafe) and sat down to look at the menu.. l said oh I will have the jacket potato with tuna mayo. £ 5.50. A fanta orange £1.60.
He took ages looking at the menu .. then stood up and said " come on we are going I'm not paying these prices".
I was so hungry having had no breakfast and was an hour train ( cost me £12 )..
We ended up walking round town.. l thought we were looking for another cafe.. just as we were passing a Greg's he gave me a pound coin and said " here get in the queue and buy yourself a sausage roll on me"
I threw the pound back at him and walked off in the direction of the train station.

I don’t even know what to say about this one…

UtterJoke · 04/02/2025 20:52

Packingcube · 03/02/2025 18:26

He used his son's photo who was about 27 ... Turns out he was about 47 and he couldnt figure out why I wasn't interested. Hm I'm 23 pal.

Wtf !!! Horrific disgusting old man 🤮

Tonkie18 · 04/02/2025 20:55

Not been on the dating scene for years..

but some young fellow accosted me outside B&M recently. Dead panned me and asked ‘have you ever cum so hard you’ve shit yourself?’

Me ‘Ummmmmmm NO?!

Him ‘would you like to?’

If it’s been a while for anybody, I highly suggest hanging about B&M. Sounds like a proper seeing to.

truthtimee · 04/02/2025 21:02

I met my partner on tinder but before I met him I went on a picnic in the woods date with another guy from tinder and it was so strange 🙈 I can’t remember it fully but I imagine we went on a walk through the woods (a part of a park not some creepy dark woods 🙈😂) and when we found a suitable place for our picnic we sat down on our blankets. He wanted to cuddle at some point so we laid down and we were cuddling (we possibly kissed, I can’t actually remember) but as our bodies were close I felt a wetness… I asked him about it and he said he came in his pants… from cuddling. He then walked me home and said that he needed a wee but I lived with my parents at the time and he refused to go in our house to go to the toilet and he sent me a message not long after saying he really needed a wee and should have come in. The wetness was wee wasn’t it? It had to have been right? I mean, I actually don’t know if it would be worse to cum in your pants from cuddling or partially wet yourself on a first date… 🙈🤷‍♀️ We didn’t see each other again so I will never know but I assume he was embarrassed by whatever liquid came out of him 🤷‍♀️🙈

Original poster
stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 04/02/2025 21:10

EnjoythemoneyJane · 04/02/2025 20:26

OMG this is the thread that keeps on giving - @NakedCivilServant & @Cyclebabble, those stories are brilliant 😂

Your username is hilarious 😂😂

What a sad little life Jane!

OP posts:
Original poster
stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 04/02/2025 21:14

Tonkie18 · 04/02/2025 20:55

Not been on the dating scene for years..

but some young fellow accosted me outside B&M recently. Dead panned me and asked ‘have you ever cum so hard you’ve shit yourself?’

Me ‘Ummmmmmm NO?!

Him ‘would you like to?’

If it’s been a while for anybody, I highly suggest hanging about B&M. Sounds like a proper seeing to.

Perfect. I'll bring the sharpie so we can number ourselves in the queue as I think there will be a lot of us.

OP posts:
Pudmyboy · 04/02/2025 21:15

shuggles · 03/02/2025 20:22

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Ridiculing medical issues on an online forum. Lovely.

How do you know it's a medical issue? Maybe it's poor hygiene!

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 04/02/2025 21:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dhfoody47 · 04/02/2025 21:17

Can I cum on your glasses?!
When we have sex will you wear your glasses?!
Will you look at me over your glasses?!

Didn't meet up, I wonder why 🤦‍♀️

I'm back single again & the thought of DS's make me want to set fire to my face & put it out with a fork 😂

Screamingabdabz · 04/02/2025 21:17

Waterweight · 04/02/2025 16:32

Vulva ?

Surely your vagina would still work ?

Yeah the one time someone uses the word vulva and actually the word vagina makes more sense.
😂

Gandalfsthong · 04/02/2025 21:24

Threewheeler1 · 03/02/2025 18:51

😂
When I was a teenager (early 90's) I met up with a guy who'd looked normal in daytime, but he turned up to the pub (average jeans & t-shirt type of village pub) wearing a velvet fitted single button jacket with nothing underneath. He'd floofed his hair up so it was really bouffant on top.
Think he was after a David Hasselhoff look, but his skin was the colour of mushroom soup and he looked like he was making a slow recovery from consumption.
Such a whiny attention-seeking idiot too.
Twas a long evening.

Show quote history

Skin the colour of mushroom soup is going to stay with me 🫣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Pudmyboy · 04/02/2025 21:25

maxplanck · 03/02/2025 18:20

My friend had a date with a seemingly nice European guy, met for drinks a few times then was invited to his home for a meal and film. Sadly the guy put ‘centipede’ on as a starter movie and then moved onto some kind of snuff porn thing. Let’s say my mate managed to leave pretty quickly whilst the guy was in the loo.

Crikey this reminded me of the episode of the IT crowd: Moss and the German..... hilarious on the telly but well weird in real life!

restingbitchface30 · 04/02/2025 21:30

I have a lot but one came to mind first. I was once with a guy who, every time he went to kiss me, he stuck his tongue out first. He came at me like he was gonna lick me. It was revolting.

MillieMinx · 04/02/2025 21:32

witwatwoo · 03/02/2025 18:13

He said 'boom' at the end of sentences - 'I'm going into town - boom !'
Also used 'I'm on fire' a lot. Pity he wasn't

Omg I had one that said “woof” at the end of most sentences! So bizarre

Poppymeldrum · 04/02/2025 21:45

I've been on some corkers but bathroom fan fitter bloke was awful
We'd got on well over chat,but when we met,he looked like goofy,sounded like Donald duck and talked about fitting bathroom fans all bloody evening (I was too polite to just up and leave)
I was staving and said I'd stop of for some chips on the way home
He insisted on walking me to the chippy and paying for them
He then demanded sex,I refused and he stomped off
Got a message a few hours later demanding his £1.90 back as I'd refused his leg over so i owed him his money back

Another one,I walked to the pub to meet him with adult dd (she was going on to meet her boyfriend) and he threw a tantrum about how she was with me (we where about 5 yards from the door-we turned and walked away)

The one that was obsessed with his ex wife
Our coffee date was going into a phone shop,buying a car tracker for her car and banging on about his ex,how she was in a b&b that women's aid had helped her to get due to his dv and his kids didn't want to speak to him
Showed me the endless calls he made to her,where she was staying and how he was going to 'make sure I know her every move'
I got the fuck away from him and he hounded me for weeks-apparently I was to date him to make his poor ex wife jealous (I pray she didnt go back to him)

Another,we arranged to meet in town and he never showed up
I walked home and got a snotty message to tell me I should have known he was staying on at work and how disappointed in me for not being a mind reader

And the final chap before I met dp
He made a big deal of owning a cafe in my hometown and how I should 'pop in to say hello and watch me work' (???)
I didn't and it fizzled out
He came up on my 'people you may know' on fb and I had a nosey
He'd found another woman-I wasn't bothered as by that point I'd met dp
About 6 months or so later,I got a fb message demanding I meet him at a local beauty spot not too far from my house at about 10pm
I said no and got a ranting message about how I was 'too keen' earlier and that I had to meet him as I 'owed' him a shag
Turns out he'd broken up with the other lady and was casting his net as far as he could thinking that some other woman would give him a pity shag
I blocked him

TwistedWonder · 04/02/2025 21:51

TwistedWonder · 03/02/2025 19:04

Not me but my friend went for a date with a bloke who paid for dinner with a 50% off voucher and told her it was his treat but she could only have a main course as that’s what the voucher covered.
When they walked to the car park, he asked is she wanted to get into the back seat of his car and unleash his beast - he was 56!!!

Just to add that when she refused to ‘unleash his beast’ he called her rude and nasty and that he wouldn’t have bought her dinner if he’d known she was frigid.

As she was driving home, he messaged her saying she owed him her share of the (50% 0ff) bill. She blocked him of course

mauvish · 04/02/2025 22:04

The more I read, the more things that have been buried for many years come back to mind --

I was a teenager. I'd had a steady bf, I'd had some pretty satisfactory sex. I also had the hots for this lad at school who had what I can only describe as a beautiful body. Cue some 18th b'day party and he made a play for me - I was well chuffed. The snogging was going well, then he suggested that we head out to his (borrowed) car where we could get some privacy, and he would "show me how to have an orgasm". And all I could think was, Too late, boy, too bloody late, I already know!

mauvish · 04/02/2025 22:08

Then there was the night a friend asked me to go through (vet) her OLD matches with her.

Oh dear.

I had to say, yes, I know him (a platonic male friend of mine who had appeared on her list) -- I'm not sure he's your type - er, well, he's well into bondage. I don't think he's into sex, as far as I know he's just into writing about and performing intricate bondage.

Then another one in the list of 20 which made me yelp -"OH GOD! I know him too! Er -- his wife died last week!!"

FarmGirl78 · 04/02/2025 22:15

There was the man who wiped his nose on the pub curtains.