How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

I’m so glad I don’t need to do OLD and never have. It is gross

I think we all realised you have direct experience some time ago...

Yes I thought that too.

They weren't offended by posters mentioning height, weight, wig wearing, squeaky voices etc, just very, very angry about lips. Weird.

Asked my star sign and then proceeded to explain why our signs make us totally incompatible. Weirdly he continued the date and would not take the endless hints I was dropping that I definitely wasn't interested (I should have just left). Pretty sure that even the waiters knew I didn't want to be there.

Thank fuck for that.

There was me with my chapped, scabby lips thinking it was because I was sat at the rugby at the weekend with the wind whistling round my ears.

I was going to call the GP at 8:00 thanks to your helpful advice 🙄 .

A guy drove a long way to meet me once and I rang him once I'd arrived in town, actually ringing from multi storey car park. He said, what level are you on, wait there, I'll come and find you, and duly came and parked beside my car. He hopped out looking extremely casual. This was over 20 years ago when Crocs were not trendy. Anyway he promptly started undressing and then redressed, into a shirt covered in Chinese dragons and a cowboy hat. (Possibly cowboy boots too, it's so long ago I any remember.) I was mortified that someone I knew would see me but we went into a restaurant and he was one of these guys who makes everything a joke. It was quite wearing. Then he told me he'd killed someone. (Not on purpose.) And when I got home I googled him and it was all there on the BBC, exactly as he told it.

@Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast
Poltergeist house....what an analogy! 👏🤣

I can't cope with the 'he punched a packet of muffins' 😭😂

Ooh yes! Hadn't thought of those two!

Matched online, seemed nice enough. Had one date in my home town, was an ok date. Got home & he said some friends of his happened to be in my home town and had seen him & me and had taken photos of us together 😳 . He sent me a photo of us that they had secretly taken saying ‘look we are walking in step’ as in - how ‘in tune’ we were. I felt really uncomfortable but agreed to a second date - early hours of the morning before the second date (which I was seriously considering cancelling) my phone woke me up buzzing constantly. Had a look and it was him, sending me screenshots of our conversations from Bumble and WhatsApp, in case I’d deleted them and wanted to re-read them as ‘look how well we get on’. I was creeped way out by this & the ‘friends’ taking secret pictures of us & told him to do one as he was hideously intense and blocked him everywhere. Bloody strange man.

Tooke you on a day to his work . 😂
What did you do ?

Yeah me too. Married 30+ years here, but if DH died - or left, hell would freeze over before I went near another man again. And yep, on OLD, there are the worst men in the world. Just dreadful 😖 I genuinely feel for any woman who uses OLD.

Omg you win the thread 😲😲😲

It’s disgusting and nobody unless unconscious or a brain injury, memory problem can’t clean their mouth.
He could date he should have sorted his hygiene out.

No way . Of course the police should have done something this is shocking !

Blood hell I doubt the patients having chemo on a ward would be out dating fffs
If a day ward they be home to partners or recouping at home in peace .

Your comments are madness

This was horrifying to read ! Why are there so many terrible people in the world?

Not sure if this counts... I don't live in the UK. A friend of mine is currently in a psychiatric hospital, mainly due to exhaustion and burnout. She is doing well. 2 Weeks did the trick.

Her roommate has been there longer.

Roommate has been talking to a guy on tinder and they decided it was time for their first date. He came to the hospital during visiting hours and they had their first date at a little table surrounded by all the other patients!

I have no idea how I feel about that.

Is it good that he knows her history?

Is it bad cause he might be on the lookout for vulnerable women?

Just... eh?

This will out me but here goes..
Meeting female friend for coffee, half an hour in her brother arrives and sits down. No introductions, no apology for interrupting a conversation. Just sits down and stares at me. Friend then makes a ridiculous apology about having to be in work and just leaves. Her brother turns to me and says " do you do anal".

Those were the first and last words I ever heard him say.

". I had to deploy the 'shh an't shhhh ear you, it's a ba shhh ine'

@Sparklybanana what does this mean, please?

This was about 7 years ago. I'd just split up with someone and hit Tinder. I was chatting to a guy for a week or two and agreed to meet up. I told him I had cats. He turned up with some origami cats he'd made. We then got onto the conversation of what our parents did for a living. He then said his mum had died. I asked when, he said last week. As in last week when we were chatting via message.. Anyway, as I worked in a school, he had brought a print out of eulogy for me to read and offer some feedback on. I had no idea what to say.
I was very sad for this man but WTF. I went to the loo and phoned a friend and she had no words either.
After the date I text him anything thank you but I didn't think we should meet again. He was upset as he'd got us tickets for the 'perfect date' next weekend. And asked if I would still go with him even if he couldn't find anyone else.

Pretending I had bad phone reception. Probably wouldn't work so well now! I am amazed it worked back then tbh but he genuinely responded 'hello?' , 'hello' and it was the best I could come up with as an 18 year old with a new phone 🤣

I'm sure the police wouldn't be so casual and assume that one was made up. 🤮

Surprised to see so many people saying this.

As a pp said, the vulva absolutely could clamp shut. Like a clam. Protecting everything within, including the vagina.

A guy told me my vagina was 'amazeballs".... bye!