How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

I remember reading this lol

@Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast
Your compassionate woman quote had me ROFL 🤣
absolute class .

I've partnered up a very long time but in the quaint days of Guardian Soulmates (bless it)

1. Date 4 of a date with a hot guy I really fancied. He asked me if I wanted to casually meet some of his friends....
   Went to a bar to meet his friends ...wall to wall lesbian couples! They were all lovely and we had a a good night but I never quite figured it out.

2. Met a guy at the train station before our date, who started laughing and pointing at me because I was wearing high heels. That was the end of that.

3)*pre guardian soulmates
Swapped numbers with a guy I met in a takeaway.
Met him off the bus and he asked could we stop by his house. Inside his parents were inside smoking weed and asked if I wanted any.
We later went to a social club for a drink. The guy left me sat at a table for what seemed like ages, then the lighting changed. I looked up. He was on stage setting up the bingo numbers! He worked there! 🤣

Why, is this a forum for doctors? Do bore off (and take your stringy lips with you).

The guy who messaged me to say that it was a shame I didn't live closer cos he'd be on me like a bear.

Ripping your throat out with his lethal claws? How erotic.

He (?) is getting exactly what he wants from this thread. IGNORE!!!

EnjoythemoneyJane · Yesterday 21:50

Spooky2000 · Yesterday 19:53
The country style singer and Nicole Kidman. I put £20 on. Any other bets!?

I’m gonna say Marcus Mumford and Carey Mulligan

Aaaaannnnnd...Spooky wins! Keith Urban is what you meant to say, though

I have an excellent one. Not me, but my daughter’s friend. Been chatting to a guy for a while who said he was a chef and invited her round for dinner. She went, had a nice meal but then got stomach cramps and had to excuse herself to the loo where she had an upset tummy. She went to flush the loo and it wouldn’t flush. Very embarrassed she had to go and tell him and he reassured her it was a dodgy flush and not to worry he would sort it out. He left the room and was gone for some time, she went to check on him and HE WAS EATING HER POO!!!!! She screamed and ran out and was still shaking ages later. Friends encouraged her to call the police, she did and they basically said “oh yeah, Bert, he’s been doing it for years”. He put laxatives in the food and then knobbled the loo to not flush.

I would have assumed he could be done for assault by ‘spiking’ her food but police said he was otherwise harmless, just his fetish!

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢

What the actual fuck! Harmless indeed!

I went on a date with a colleague who drove me to a nature reserve and we were sitting in his car in the pitch black, he then tried to play I spy and started tickling me to which I told him to get off and drive me home. He did. Tried to kiss me before I got out the car when he dropped me back to which I turned away and ended up quickly giving him pat on the shoulder as I didn’t know what else to do. Then got out the car.

He then text me a week later asking if I had a good time….

This response had me rolling with laughter (and I never did get an answer to my question.

Seemed like a nice enough guy, on the second date one thing lead to another and I shagged him (at my house as he lived with his mum 🤦‍♀️). Now, I’ve been around the block but what was very confusing about this was that he was wearing a cock ring. To this day, I have no idea at what stage he’d slipped that on, he’d been around me all evening, no recent toilet trips 🤷‍♀️. Had he been wearing it all evening just on the off chance? There was no discussion about having sex before it happened so as far as he was concerned we might have just been going for drinks. It seemed like a strange move for a first (and last) shag anyway.

The sex was very mediocre and for multiple reasons, including the cock ring, I’d got the ick, so I let him down gently. Which started a barrage of texts, and then hand written letters many pages long put through my door when I stopped replying to the texts, and also a large and expensive bunch of flowers from a local boutique florist delivered to me house. The letters were along the lines of how he’d never felt that way about anyone before, he’d never had sex as amazing as that etc etc etc. it was all a bit…much. In the end I had to threaten to call the police if he contacted me again, at which point he turned quite nasty but then left me alone. I only recently binned the letters even though this was about 10 years ago because I was sure I’d need them as evidence at some point!

Previous poster: I wouldn't kick Seven-of-Nine out of my bed.

Neither would I, but I doubt I would survive the encounter. 😀

@Martz

I can't stop laughing at this "Punched a pack of muffins" 😂

During uni, I went on a date with a banker (from tinder) and he could only meet for 15 minutes during his lunch break. He said he was so overwhelmed by work that coffee wasn’t doing it for him anymore and he’d have to start taking coke…no second date….

I was friendly with this guy years ago and we got on for a few months before he started trying it on with me all the time. He was in his late 30s and I was early 20s. He ended up messaging me saying that if I was ‘one of these women’ who just wants a baby without the dad being involved then he would be happy to do this for me. I don’t have any clue where he got the impression that I’d be wanting something like this and it honestly sickened me that someone could be that desperate 🤢

Another one is a boyfriend I had as a teenager who I thankfully never had sex with. I was a virgin at the time, I was around 16-17 and he was 18-19. We were discussing having sex and he said ‘you don’t think you’ll be loud do you cos I live with my grandparents so can you try and make sure you don’t make any noise’. 😂

Without wishing to get too graphic, but with the benefit of a friend who has seen more vulvae (vulvii? vulvas?) than most have had hot dinners due to her job as an intimate waxer..

Depending on ones anatomy, it very much is possible for some of us to clamp things shut. If you can't imagine it... you don't have that sort of.. or size of.. anatomy.

When I was on my OE, I met up with my penfriend of many years. She had been invited to a country and western party, and I could tag along.

So in my borrowed gingham dress, painted on freckles etc (a la Judy Garland on wizard of Oz) we rocked on up, to be blind dated with a couple of wannabe Romeos in cowboy hats, leather vests, g-strings, furry chaps and boots with spurs. No shirts, no jeans..and the worst, slurred, chat up lines I have ever heard. Apparently Aussie girls are at it like rabbits from 12 years onwards and they were keen to widen their knowledge in the interests of international relations...barf!
They wouldn't stop pestering us for sex and showed us exactly what they had in their "toolbox" by adjusting the g-strings.

We climbed out the bathroom window..

Oh god, I had the ex special ops hush hush guy. We ended up dating for a bit, and when I met his sister she said he was in the TA for a few months.

A genital version of the house at the end of poltergeist.

Would you please just stop? There aren't' many medical conditions that would prevent you from wiping white stringy crap from your lips - regardless of what caused it. Literally, none. Its just poor hygiene.

You wishing cancer on people is absolutely vile and nasty. Go away.

Indeed.
If you have a medical issue that gives you a dirty mouth, then you know that you have it, and you make sure you keep your mouth moist, wipe the stringy stuff away, and yes, use that chapstick.

Bloody hell thats terrifying

Oh it’s you again. The guy who’s pissed off with the world because he’s lost his his sex drive in his 30s. Stop being so confrontational and enjoy a conversation.

Why are you on a dating stories thread if you have no interest in it?

I believe this poster is a “he”. He also thinks it’s “juvenile” to want sex beyond your 20s.

Think he’s best ignored.