How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

All comments by shuggles are designed to upset the reader. The worst one is

Shuggles · Today 20:50

^ Having a performative virtue signal wank on an online forum. Lovely.^
I'm not a virtue signaller. Just someone with a strong dislike for those who are ignorant of other people's medical problems.
And to prove I'm not a virtue signaller, I will freely admit that my wish is that when people mock medical problems, those same problems will be inflicted upon them later in life.

I wish those same problems will be inflicted upon them - a nasty, vindictive sentiment based upon absolutely nothing. Nobody has been mocking medical problems here.

The situation is catch 22 though because anybody that responds to this poster just feeds their trollism.

I met a time waster online. When we met in person he told me that he already had a girlfriend, and that they liked to have fun with her (female) friend. He went on to say that she had booked and paid for a holiday for the two of them, plus her friend.

He then said he was really keen to get to know me, but didn’t think it was fair to dump his “bitches” before they’d had the holiday!!!

I once met a guy online. Few days later met up for a brew and a stroll around a local park. He asked if he could come back to mine. When I said no he told me he needed the company because his wife was in hospital having a brain tumor removed. He needed sex to "take his mind off it." Full on run for the hills with that one.

First one made me laugh so much .
second one made me feel sick
Third jeeze he is psycotic

I met a man via OLD and the first couple of dates went well. Then he asked me out to a concert and to go to dinner at his place first. It turned out that his ex was still living there - she lived upstairs and he lived downstairs. They had a row in front of me because I'd apparently parked In her space. And when we got to the concert, we bumped into his WIFE. They'd been married and split up before he met the ex he still lived with, but they were still friends and hadn't bothered to get divorced.

Not a date as such, more like being hemmed in by a garrulous, beer swilling horrible smelly older man on a National Express to London when I was 20. He did the whole spiel about special ops and I know 20 ways I could kill you if I wanted to. Luckily he was overcome by his own special brew and passed out snoring for the remainder of the journey.

Such charmers, I mean where do they learn these things and why do they think that such tactics could possibly work?

Also recall snide comments by local roofer and his mate (not attractive, 50s and balding) about me and my mate in swimming pool. Regaling this to another friend she said 'Well, he's not the answer to any maiden's prayer is he?'

I have always remembered that line, for exactly these kinds of encounters.

@JudgeJ I know who Basil Brush is 😬

Sweet Jesus 😂

I've also seen the sequel, maybe that would have done the trick?

For anyone who hasn't seen it read the synopsis

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Centipede_2_(Full_Sequence)

That’s reminded me. I went on a date with a man who seemed really nice. Then we talked about relationships and he told me he’s married but his wife has early onset dementia and lives in residential care but she’s given him permission to move on and that he can’t meet on Sundays because that’s the day he visits her.

Er moving on as a widower is one thing but when she’s still alive - big no for me

And he only types with one hand. The other's otherwise occupied

@fourelementary that is some wild pedantry.

jiggy-jiggy - followed by the sound of a thousand vulvas clamping shut.

🤢

I'm actually dying at this! 😂😂

I remember back in my dating days, when you just met people and agreed to meet them again, the number of men who offered to pay me for sex was extraordinary. I have to assume they were absolutely desperate, because I was a very plain and shy girl.

Oh bore off

I'm here for the stories 🍿

Horrible. The stuff of nightmares

Yes that's what I pictured too

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps totally appreciate your point of view now 🤣🤣 - so many gruesome stories!

I bet he told his friends you were just after his money 😂

A Venus fly trap! 😂😂😂

A guy once boasted to me about how he was in love with a woman ten years his junior who had a boyfriend. Who he'd known for a week.

He told me she shared a painful secret about being abused by her brother. (Probably as he groomed her, this is relevant later)

She was from another country, and he invited himself to her home in this country and started 'living' in her home uninvited, without paying towards the rent. She and her flatmates kicked him about obviously.

He then followed her to another city thousands of miles away and tried to pressure her into sex.

When she refused his advances, he shouted at her in the middle of the street-
'why don't you just fuck members of your own family then? that's what you're used to'.
Referring cruelly to her abuse confession she told him in confidence.

Then he was horrified and incandescent with fury when she ran off in tears and never spoke to him again.

He told me this story as a romantic tale of a sadly lost meaningful relationship. Clearly thinking it made him sound...cool??!

He was actually boasting, showing off by saying this?

When we'd been dating for a week. 🤢🤢🤢

This isn't creepy, just sad. Met a guy at a ballgame (this was pre internet) and we hit it off. He asked for my number and called a few days later asking me to dinner which I accepted.

Took me to a nice restaurant and things started off well, but then he started talking about his wonderful ex-wife. Then out came the pictures of his children. I tried to 'redirect' but the topic lasted until our dinner was through. By the time dinner was over it was pretty obvious he was still madly in love with his exW and that he missed living with his children desperately. I felt more like a therapist than a date. He walked me to my car and asked about seeing me again. I told him that I honestly didn't think he was ready to date and that perhaps he should consider counseling. He just looked at me sadly and said "You're probably right", kissed my cheek, and walked away. I felt so bad for him.

I will say that was part of the reason for my decision not to date men with kids.

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps sometimes MN is mined by lazy journalists who either directly lift threads or start their own. Sometimes that's obvious because it'll be a 'tell me your stories' whilst not offering a starter story of their own. You then get cynical replies rightly going 'you first OP'.
I reckon you know this because you did 'go first'.
I think Spooky is being unnecessarily cynical, because you've shared a few anecdotes and I certainly believe you're genuine. Besides, so what, because it's an entertaining thread. Thanks for starting it!