How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

These are all brilliant

Reading these, not only has my vulva clamped shut like a Venus flytrap, my pubic hair has sewn itself togaether and fashioned itself into a wee padlock never to be undone.

Christ, men are awful. NAMALT and NotMyNigel etc etc, but so, so many men.

If anything happened to DP, I'm getting rechargeable batteries for a vibrator, an Uber account for lifts, a robot lawnmower for the garden, and hoping for the best without the males of the species.

What the fuck is wrong with “Shuggles”? Well weird responses & probably on the wrong thread?

Was heading to a club with a chap who I’d been flirting with. As we were going down some steps, he informed me that he’d once had a pissing competition on them with our mutual friend (furthest distance won).

They are a man. As some posters have said, they're a man coming onto a thread on a woman's message forum, telling them all how 'wrong' they are, and chastising them for it. Some men do love to do that.

Hello. Sorry to be a bother but this comment is very upsetting to read.

First date told me he had chlamydia but it’s fine he’s sorted it out now. When he asked to go out again I said sorry, the chlamydia thing was inappropriate and I’m not interested. Of course got the ‘it was just a joke, you obviously can’t take a joke’ spiel. It definitely was not a joke!

Met with a guy for a casual beer. His entire conversation piece was how his dad used to be in a fairly famous band. I tried to extricate myself graciously. He said: "Well. I would take you back to mine and f**k your brains out. But your lack of appreciation for my dad's music makes me limp." I left quickly and he followed me down the road. I went to a nearby pub, met a really nice bloke and spent four years with him happily. Now married to an absolute joy of a human. Met on Tinder. Together 8yrs. Married for 5. Plenty more disaster stories. You have to match with a lot of frogs in OLD. But you don't have to kiss them!

We need a sub Topic where the mods can divert some of these posts, maybe call RowInAnEmptyRoom, and leave the rest to enjoy some of the gruesome stories!

I met a guy on tinder. Had a few dates, things seemed to be going well but then he randomly texted saying he was no longer interested. No worries, wished him well and deleted his number. Then about 8 weeks later, he text me saying he had been dating another man and had a fantasy of me joining them and was I interested in his boyfriend fucking me whilst he watched. Urm, that would be a hard pass. I blocked him. About a year later my friend matched with him and he had a newborn at that point.

I was chatting to a guy online when he rang me out of the blue. Despite being taken aback and borderline horrified I answered. We had the dullest little chat and it transpired that he was off to Torture Garden later and would I like to come. He kindly offered to send me a picture of him in his outfit, complete with fake tattoo sleeve. I came off the apps for several years then met my husband first time when I went back on them... I took it an a sign that the universe thought I'd kissed enough frogs!

lewky_ Luke Holloway on Instagram. Very funny 😄

You wot luv?

I had loads of chemo last year. Spent ages in the chemo reception and on the wards etc etc

Nobody sat around with their mouth looking like that even if chemo did cause it.

It was dry spit and phlegm on his lips.

It was fucking rank.

Any better?

Don’t worry, he’s toddled off to bed (hopefully with a glass of water and a chapstick for his medically dry stringy mouth).

He’s had a hell of an evening at the derailing/mansplaining coalface, but he’s given it a good crack, god bless him, still managing to tell off all the women whilst bent double under the weight of his own sanctimony.

Sleep tight, sweet prince.

😂

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. TMI! 😖

Ah, I knew that was coming.

Who are you to say that? Are you alright?

(Coming from someone who has several rounds of chemotherapy. Top tip: good oral hygiene, Vaseline and fluids help.)

Gooooopy gooooop

@stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps
you are so funny and your OP creased me up 🤣

STOP THE GOOPY!!!!!!! 😱

Source: trust me bro

😂😂😂😂😂

Mortgage, DS, engaged and together 10 years to my Tinder date!

He's a rarity judging by this thread!

What a great starter movie 🤣