How to make your vulva clamp shut: a tinder story

[stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps]

Hi ladies!

I'm after your funny / horror / tinder or date stories or something that made your vulva clamp shut from men. Fucking men. I want to stay away from men and dating apps and in seeking to be completely put off for life!

I'll go first.. I got an absolute shiner off of tinder say to me 'I really want you to be my girlfriend, so you can see to my trouser cannon every day.

Fucking TROUSER CANNON.

Another: got to an organised drinks first date, and the guy had those white stringy bits all around his crusty lips. I kept licking my lips in the hope he'd do the same and kept thinking fuck me if he kisses me im going to have to see the hygienist.

Another took screenshots off of my social media, and told me that im wearing 'too much makeup' and he likes his 'girls' (yes girls) to dress modestly and be more natural. The photo he picked was me at a concert, covered in glitter.
Note: this bloke has botox. But told me off for wearing glitter.

Lastly: met a bloke in the supermarket of all places. Asked me out for a drink and I agreed. Exchanged numbers. (I was 18 at this point). He said that he was Russell brands cousin and he had RB and katy Perry coming round that evening for drinks and would I like to join? I was SO EXCITED. Funnily enough, I'd just seen her on tour the week before and knew for a fine fact she wasn't in the country. But anyhoo I thought I'd play along. Anyway, he said he would pick me up at X time on the back of his motorbike. (I wouldn't have gone.) when he told me he was on his way, apparently in the 10 minute journey his Nan died, and he also got pulled over for speeding and immediately lost his license and asked if he could come to mine.

I am so happy to be out of relationships. Men can fuck off. Posting for traffic.

Yep. See also the thread about women’s experiences of being single in their 40’s and 50’s - same man making it all about him

I’m gonna say Marcus Mumford and Carey Mulligan

I have many OLD nightmare stories.

Many.

But just think of one that is quick to share. I am 5ft 8. Match and meet with a guy whose profile put him at about 5ft 10.

When we meet this “5ft 10” man is shorter than me. Noticeably so.

But that was not the problem. It was when he looked me up and down, pulled a face and said “you’re tall….that’s kinda offputting.”

Literally my height was in my profile dude. There was a very easy way of avoiding this situation!

Thinking about how your vulva might clamp shut is what made me read this thread.
I think it would be very handy to have a vulva that clamped shut, as long as it didn't make a loud clanging noise when it did so.

I've had many clamping moments in my youth. One time, years before Internet dating, I agreed to meet a man for the first time and had to travel quite a long way to meet him. We had arranged to meet in a nearby town, I went by bus and he was arriving by train. We'd had many conversations over the phone. He sounded like he had a good sense of humour and liked all kinds of cultural things, so I was looking forward to meeting him. I had never seen a picture of him, so while I was waiting for his train to arrive I anticipated somebody getting off the train handsomely like Mr Darcy or something, striding towards me and smiling, perfect teeth, all that.
It started to rain while I was waiting and so I sheltered just inside the doorway of the waiting room. Eventually my beau got off the train. He was the shortest fattest man I had ever seen in my life. He wasn't suitably dressed for the weather and was rather bedragged looking, having got soaked walking along the platform. His long thin hair was limply hanging over his face, dripping. He stood and looked up at me as though I was a 9 foot tall giantess as I peered down at him and wondered if it was a bit late to run away. Anyway, we set off into town and went for a walk about. After about 10 minutes he said he was too tired to walk any further and maybe it was time for lunch. We passed a number of promising cafés and eventually settled on Tesco café. In those days Tesco café was extremely basic. You wouldn't go there for a treat.
He scoffed a big fry up, having previously told me his favourite food was salad.

He lied about his age, his height, how fit he was, what he was interested in, what he did for a job, how he used to be married to a millionairess, what kind of food he ate, in fact I can't think of a single thing he said that was true. But I still felt sorry for him when I had to tell him, seeing him back onto his departing train, I wasn't interested in seeing him again. He looked so dejected.

Maybe that's how they get you? The vulva doesn't clamp shut quick enough!

OLD match, meet the guy once for a walk in Regent's Park. He seems ok but I don't really fall for him. However, he tells me he plays in a rock band, celtic rock, which I really like, gives me a CD, great. I naturally say "next time you play an event, let me know, I ll come".

Date ends on good terms but no move. A couple of days later, he texts me to say he "plays an event" on Saturday evening, other side of London. I picture a cool rock gig, lots of fans, hot Irish dudes, cider, party, etc. Of course, I say yes, he sends me the location and place, a youth centre, all good. On the day, I prep to the nines, trek across town for 1 1/2h, walk the last mile under a hailstorm, get late but determined to make it, I arrive to the place, couple of people outside having a smoke, but I m psyched, I push the double entrance doors that open straight to the main room ...

I notice it is surprisingly bright and the music low for a rock concert, I see balloons saying "Happy 50th Wedding Anniversary" bobbing against the ceiling and, as I look down, 60 people neatly seated around tables, half of them senior, the other half families with young children, all having cake, looking back at me. At the end other end of the room, on the stage ... the musician, who was actually DJing for an anniversary in his own family, And he had told them I was coming.

He interrupts his "set", comes to greet me in front of everyone. Internally, I am dealing with very deep and intense feelings of surprise, mortification and rage, but I keep it together, because manners. I accept a drink, and then he leaves me again, because he has to resume his DJ duties. That was the date,

I finished my drink, got introduced, presented my greetings and bid my farewell as politely and speedily as I could to his family, parents, and I legged it. He followed me on the parking and tried to argue that he had mentioned an event but not a concert.

Sorry for being long

I completely misread this. I thought YOU turned up wearing the tight brown leather jacket and baseball cap on backwards 😅😅

Yep. I don’t get how not finding something attractive is “ridiculing”. Especially when we have no idea if he actually had a medical condition or just needed to moisturise more.

Way to go you for derailing what was a great humourous thread. I bet you are fun at parties. Can you please stop now because it's getting boring.

Especially for you @shuggles

Seeing as you CBA to actually find anything to back up your claims that a gunky mouth (with stringy bits hanging) is a sign of something serious, like (errr, cancer...) I decided to do it for you....

From Google (multiple sites say the same/similar.)

White stringy stuff in the mouth can be a result of oral thrush, a fungal infection caused by candida fungus. Poor oral hygiene, stress, dry mouth, and hormonal changes are common causes of oral thrush and the associated white stringy mucus.

So there is nothing 'wrong' with anyone who has this, other than poor oral hygiene. And possibly stress. (We all get that though, and we don't all have a manky mouth with crap all around it - and hanging off it!)

There is almost 100% chance (in the case with the man that a previous poster met,) that he just had a minging mouth, and poor oral hygiene.

At least try to check your facts before you post. You won't look so terribly silly then eh?

.

The first ever OLD I had we started chatting on Monday and arranged a date for Saturday

Hr seemed a nice enough guy except he was definitely more 5’9 than the 6ft he claimed plus the huge chunky cowboy hat belt buckle he revealed as he took his jacket off.

We had a couple of drinks and got into talking about our previous relationships and he told me he’d broken his 2 year engagement off because his fiancee became really moody when she hit her menopause. I asked how long ago they split and he said - last Friday!!!!!! So literally a day or two after his engagement ended he was back on the apps!

It's perfectly OK to be disgusted by whatever disgusts you.

Jesus, some random guys chapped lips have clearly hit a nerve for you.
Comparing needed some lip balm to chemo patients dry mouth/lips is hell of a reach, you are clearly not in the right frame of mind for this thread, so off you fuck!

No one needs to grow up, you could be a bit less patronising though.

😂

A bit like Delboy and the dental receptionist " when did you split up?" "Oh, this morning!"

Oh god one of my first few dates were so so bad
One guy seemed ok
Went. For a drink

Few drinks later little flirty
He asked if we could go have a threesome wit his landlord !!!!! He said he shared his bed with her most nights

When I walked out of the pub he rang to ask if I could RIM him

I don't know what this even is

Awful creep

Another one insisted I get my toe nails done for his foot fetish

I sometimes think of him and my mouth fills up quickly with 🤮

Before I met DH I had a go at OLD and met a bloke a bit older - I was 26, he was 38, who told me he was a 'businessman' and travelled round his company's bases in the UK. He was coming to the north-east and wanted to meet and take me out to dinner. He was 'best friends' with Claudua Schiffer and her husband Guy Ritchie (😂) and had dinner with them every week- Guy was desperate to have him in his next movie!!! Wondered how much I looked like Claudia.(I had no photo on my profile just said I was 5ft 7, blonde and blue eyed)
I wished him good luck with his role in the Guy Ritchie movie and sent him a photo of the Queen Mother fishing in a river in Scotland in her waterproofs and said it was me and I thought I probably wasn't what he was looking for. He never replied.

You are encouraged to drink loads when undergoing chemo, it makes finding veins easier. I never noticed anyone else with white stringy things on their lips on the chemo wards whilst I was having mine.

A friend of mine tells a tale of having a few dates with a guy. They were getting on really, really well - until the one night when he asked her if she fancied going back to his for a bit of jiggy-jiggy. Unsurprisingly, she made her excuses, left and never saw him again.

I've done online dating and never had a bad date. I talk to them quite a bit first, screen like the CIA, and only meet them if I truly fancy them in their photos and there are no red flags.

The downside of this approach is far fewer dates and lots of time screening.

🤣🤣 howling at this

I was set up on a date.

When I arrived at the restaurant I thought I'd hit the jackpot. Tall, handsome, fascinating conversation. A complete gentleman that I was already partially imagining my future children with.

While we were waiting outside for a taxi I dropped my bag and he bent to pick it up for me... and let out a little fart.

I wouldn't have cared that much, bit embarrassing but we all do it. Could have easily laughed it off.

But his final words to me still make me shudder to this very day.

'Ooops, I did a pumpies' complete with a 'cute' head tilt.

Bleugh.

Remembered another one, he's very English but turned up wearing cowboy boots, denim jeans, denim jacket and a really big Texan cowboy hat.
Unfortunately was not taken line dancing like I expected

When I was about 17 I went on a date with someone I met at a youth group. We arranged to go to the cinema on the Saturday evening to see a film which was coming out a couple of days before - fixed this up about a week in advance. On the day we met it transpired that he had seen the film the day before as he had nothing to do, but was happy to see it again - I was really taken aback. He then proceeded to quote along with every single advert and trailer. In the end I said that I hoped he wasn't going to do that for the film and he agreed not to but looked surprised I wasn't impressed.

I saw him on a bus last year - recognised him after 25+ years! He was watching a video on his phone with the sound on full blast, which figures.

I have never been sure if Liar Liar is an awful film, or I saw it in such uncomfortable circumstances that it put me off.

Many years ago I had a first date with a guy who brought with him about 5 of his paintings, which I realised he was trying to sell me. Every 10 mins he'd interrupt the conversation to take one out and ask me what I thought of it.

At the end of the date he asked me if I had a car, I didn't have one at the time. But I told him when I was younger I did drive for a while. He asked me what make of car did I drive, when I told him it was a Fiat he burst out laughing and I never heard from him again. 🤣.

I remember being so shaken that night, I couldn't sleep.

Oh I have a few horror stories!

1. Guy who took me to a coffee shop and kept picking his spots.

2. I'm from a family of dentists and people who work in that area (if they're not dentists/hygienists then they're dental librarians etc) anyway I told this to my date and he took out his false teeth and asked me how best to care for them. Yeah, I'm the outcast in my family, my degree is in English and even so ewww.

3. Guy who thought he was going to be the next Ricky Gervais and kept doing bad skits. I don't even like the real Ricky Gervais!

4. Guy who told me he'd planned the best day ever. I was a bit sceptical but he said he was going to wine and dine me, take me out and treat me. Where did we end up? He took me swimming. To be fair he did buy me a nice non-showy swimming costume in the right size. I politely declined and we had an awkward drink in the little leisure centre café. There was no second date.

5. Cop who I'd known for a while and who'd spent ages chasing after me. I finally relented and he spent the evening treating me like shit, ignoring me and chatting up the waitress.

That said though I did meet my DH online and we've been together for 15 years now so it can work out!