Waiting for the right guy equals no baby

[Chiliconcarneplease]

I'm going full force with this - I hate how many people on here say about waiting for the right guy before having a baby (you had a baby in your situation???) Etc but between 30 to 40% of women are expected to end up childless (involuntarily) because they were searching for the right guy.

We have to accept women having babies in less than ideal situations, or we're fucked as a race.

My husband is someone I wouldn't have considered as a potential partner when I was younger. My priorities changed over time and because I wanted a family, I chose to have one with someone who is an excellent partner and father, if not the "Mr Perfect" the younger me was holding out for. I had more common interests with previous partners, or a more passionate connection, but I think rather than focusing on finding the "right" person, if you want a family it's a better idea to focus on the qualities you need in a partner/father and look for those.

I'm not sure that a dog is the best idea...

But the best indicator of how good a father is going to be is how good they are as a partner, unless they've already got kids. Perhaps how their own father is, but that ignores the potential to reverse or stop generational trauma.

If he's a knob to you, he's probably not going to be much use during the baby years, and he may well be a knob to his own children down the line too.

But to be honest, it's just a case of knowing what you're walking into and doing it with your eyes open. If your want for a baby means you can overlook habits, knowing that they are unlikely to change, that's your call. It's fair to presume that selfish men will be selfish partners, husbands and fathers.

It was important to me to have a man who didn't consider the bare minimum enough. I was lucky enough to find one and he is an equal parent in every way. He has his faults, as do I, but we love each other and our children and it's been a fun journey so far - the eldest is three and we're yet to have any major arguments or fights, or the often predicted relationship struggles, because we're on the same page. I'd struggle to give up that type of partnership, but I'd also struggle to raise a child entirely alone. It's a personal call that the woman has to make.

Totally disagree.

Also you don't 'have a baby' . You take on responsibility for another human to full adulthood.

They need to come first. They're not there to complete you or validate you.

You are there for them. You should be aiming to give them the best possible life - of course things happen and change but why on earth would you damage them from the outset?

My very strong advice as an old mumsnetter is that hormones can make you blind to people’s faults. Be really careful that you have a man you can live with. No one is perfect and we all need to have give and take, but so often I see women marrying what at the outset seem very unsuitable men. And so it proves to be. Be choosy ladies and you will be better for it.

What, the human race?
I don't think so. Have you seen the recent global population figures?

Increasing the human population has not been of any benefit for the other of the world’s life forms.

and I think a lot of posters in that situation are overlooking how unfair it is to a child to choose a shite father for them. It's complicated and challenging raising kids at the best of times. It's really unfair to make things even more difficult for your kids.

I think some women are thinking of cute little babies when they need to realise that being a Mother is much, much more complex than that.

It's impossible to get it all right and it's never going to be be all perfect but you have to at least try.

@Thelnebriati

I'd rather stay single thank you but then I don't want children so it's easier for me I suppose.

I’m not entirely sure birth rate needs increasing, it seems to be doing just fine…

More deaths than births in the UK last year and across the whole of Europe. We've already tipped into decline.

If I was young and fertile and wanted to be a mother I would look for a man with good health and good genetics. I would have a fling with him get pregnant dump him and make sure he never found out about the pregnancy.
Obviously I would only do that if I was financially secure enough to bring up a child on my own.

Good! Planet might stand a chance.

Do you seriously not understand that the population is increasing because of increasing longevity?
The birth rate is declining

I do sympathise but isn't that just life? We don't all get what we desperately want and ultimately if that depends on someone else, we're not owed it.

If you don't get your dream job it's not incumbent on the employer to give it to you. A man might desperately want a girlfriend but no woman owes that to him.

Oh no. What a fucking shame that is.

who cares? What of the future do you think you own

there are WAY too many humans on the planet and with the exception of the giant panda (who I am suspicious is a sort of joke animal) no species, ever, has gone extinct because they stopped making babies. Even pandas haven’t managed it

The planet is remarkably adept at survival.

This. It is a matter of desires trumping rights, to me.
The human race will be just fine.

This!

I can see what you’re saying.

Countless women write on here that leaving their husbands and partners was (altho sometimes extremely difficult) the best decision they made and are so grateful they’re the parent that gets to watch their child/ren grow up. I doubt they’d have chosen to get rid or not have had them if they could have seen what the future had in store. What you’re saying is if a woman wants a baby she should have one while she can and take the gamble that the bloke will be a good partner and father rather than wait so long she will never be a mother. I have several friends who waited and it’s now too late for them - they have suffered with their mental health as a result.

I guess an alternative would be to cut out the middle man (and potential for future complications and nastiness) and go to a sperm bank so no father is involved.

The children don’t have to grow up in poverty. Children of single mothers usually are positive about the love and care they received despite difficult circumstances. These were women who were usually thrust into that situation through no fault of their own. If the mother actively chose to have a longed for baby and had the right finances and support, why shouldn’t she choose to go it alone?

Is that you Matt Walsh?

The Right Wingers : Women! Stoop being picky! It's YOUR fault we have a population decline. I mean, we know it's an issue with housing and men not wanting to settle down as well, but come on, it's mainly down to you wanting your stupid independence and careers and having more choice that's the problem.

Also Right Wingers Women! Start being more choosy with who you pick as a father! You're just not picking the correct men so no wonder you get treated terribly! It's not the responsibility to pay for you and your DISGUSTING single-motherhood is that misfortune befalls you.

Women did used to be less picky, and the result was sometimes a whole life of misery and sometimes abuse at the hands of their partners.

There basically aren't enough good or suitable men to go around it seems, so instead of having children, women are choosing to be childless instead, like me.

Don't be daft. It's gone down in most developed European countries.

It's not "daft". Statistics about the global population show a significant and consistent increase. See the graph upthread.
Europe? Not what we're talking about because in the OP's first post she refers to the "race" being doomed. It's not.

Blessed be the fruit loops for they know not what they say.

I dont think the OP necessarily suggests getting a kid with a drug addict homeless abuser. But a lot of women are waiting for someone who would never happen - or might not even exist. Also, as a child of a crappy but loving dad - thanks God my mum had me. He wasn't the best dad and was a shitty husband, but I still love him and happy he is my dad. (My dad never abused anyone or done anything awful - he was a cheat and a fantasist, and did not earn much. But he did spend time with me and I have lovely memories from my childhood).

I wonder how many of us come across really nice men when we were younger but they are invisible, quiet and not necessarily the type to sweep us off our feet and we overlook them for something more exciting. When the time comes for someone steady these types aren't around anymore and there are only the deadbeats and the dangerous types. Years ago I dumped my BF of 4 years for something more exciting, my wilderness years as I call them. After a string of exciting but selfish types I had a moment of clarity when I was ill with flu in my grotty bedsit and phoned up my old BF, he was around within 2 hours with medicines and soup, that was 35 years ago.

As to thinking you can settle down and have a family with a deadbeat, I wouldn't. it's only going to lead to unhappiness. I would rather remain single than be a single mother or one with a hopeless partner As to repopulating the planet, I don't think that's a problem. Back in the 90's the UK had a population of 56M and now it's closer to 68M and predicted to be 72M in the next 10 years. This planet doesn't have a global warming problem, it has an over population problem.