Waiting for the right guy equals no baby

[Chiliconcarneplease]

I'm going full force with this - I hate how many people on here say about waiting for the right guy before having a baby (you had a baby in your situation???) Etc but between 30 to 40% of women are expected to end up childless (involuntarily) because they were searching for the right guy.

We have to accept women having babies in less than ideal situations, or we're fucked as a race.

OP, will a woman not have a baby with you?

Just to add, there is no such thing as a perfect man, but plenty out there that'll tick enough boxes. Main thing is to get someone with plenty of cash as that makes up for so many irritations lol.

If I hadn’t met the right man I think I would have
opted to be a single mum. From a young age it’s all I wanted. Of course I pictured the house, husband and kids but if that didn’t happen I think I would have found a way to make it happen.

I don’t advocate having kids with the wrong men but I don’t judge women for having children with a mediocre man at all.

I think a lot of posters haven't experienced desperately wanting to be a mother, watching friends have babies, knowing that you have a third date with someone you're barely interested in, and even if they are more interesting on date three, it's going to be two or three years before they will commit to being a father to your child. And you're 38.

Wow just wow!! I work with kids and every day I see the fallout of kids feeling unloved, unwanted when their parents relationships break down. Children need stability in their lives.

I'm very against the idea that adult's desires and needs come before wellbeing of children. If someone can't have a child with a right man who is suitable to be a father then they should have no children at all. Or save up enough money to have a child with sperm donor and build their own support network which seems better idea then having a child in wrong relationship.

I think the side effect of that tactic would probably influence men to be more responsible better partners as they would have to step up if they wanted marriage and family and society would be more careful about rasing men well. We expect too little of men and some feel like it allowes them to get away with being crap husbands and fathers.

At a population level you have something of a point. At an individual level, Mumsnet is chock-full of women who have ruined their lives by having babies with the wrong men. Emotionally, practically, financially, career-wise, ruined.

Sometimes this transpired later, but in a lot of cases it seems they wanted the kids and that desire over rode any common sense about the consequences.

I think the rights of a baby come above the wants of a woman.

I think women do give men far too much time. On Mumsnet time lines you should spend years with a man before expecting a proposal or more likely being told you should propose yourself. I think about a year in is where it's time to assess whether this is a goer or not. You can't just afford to spend 5 years each on say two dud relationships where there is no sign of them wanting to advance to the ring on your finger stage. That's ten valuable years gone. I tell my sons if somebody is not the one, don't waste years of her time.

I didn’t meet any body, and I’ve checked out. I actually don’t think it’s the end of the world not to have kids. I used to think I would be devastated, and now I’m here I actually have a lovely life. Certainly a lot better than if I had ended up with some of my previous partners.

I know some woman my age who
have had babies last minute with men who have turned out to be irresponsible at best, and downright damaging at worst. Not all of them, but enough that I’m confident that it’s not the route for me. I don’t want to be a single mum, and if I’m honest I wouldn’t feel comfortable using NHS resources in that way- the pull of motherhood just isn’t strong enough for me to justify it.
Why is the survival of the human race put on the shoulders of women even more than it already is?? We’re not broodmares.

Many women experienced that feeling. Not everyone puts their desires over anything else.

Well, I don't think what we are doing at the moment is working for anyone, is it? Somehow swathes of young men feel disgruntled that they are left off the shelf, swathes of young women feel like men lack the maturity to build a stable relationship and family that they desperately want, and meanwhile we have the highest levels of family breakdown in Europe and the rest of the developed world. I don't know how you un-do that but it's not ideal

We don’t. The way to affect change is by hitting society where it hurts

Lower your standards, ladies! Because its literally impossible for men to sort themselves out.

It depends on whether you want a baby. For me it's better to have a baby with a shitty or absent dad than none at all. I'm considering going solo.

It's not just the deadbeat Dads who are the problem. There's plenty British women who are failing their children too. But is this OK because they want a baby and are maybe not thinking about the commitment needed for actual parenting?

But if you are committed as a woman to being a parent for the rest of your life (rather than 'having a baby') then go for it! Just look after yourself.

100% this. I've felt it so many times. Plus the feeling that I could only realistically have a baby with this man if I accidentally get married, because I can't see him wanting to have on or suggesting it. It's a horrible situation when you are in your late 30s and haven't found a suitable man.

YABU on two counts. Firstly, you should never have a child with someone, unless you would be proud for your son to turn out just like him. Secondly, there is no urge to increase the birth rate.

Quite - and I think that's what the OP meant? So rather than waiting for Mr 100%, that Colin from Accounts may be worth a second look?

Disagree.
It's an important part of life to know where you have come from.
Rejection etc has a massive impact on mental health!

I'd rather be childless and single than have a child with a dead beat!

What needs to change is some men's attitudes and women not settling for shit men!

Why on earth would we want to increase birthrate OP? Far too many humans on the planet already. Falling birthrate is a very good thing long term IMO, albeit it will be painful adjusting for a few generations as everything is currently built on the idea of endless growth.

Have you considered what you would do if, like me, your periods just stopped one day at 39?

I was devastated, I cried multiple times a day for weeks. But I got over it- I’d never had a baby, so how would I know if my life would be better or not. How do you?
I’m not saying this to scare you, but if you feel that you absolutely have to have a baby, do it now, because you don’t know what tomorrow brings. And don’t make assumptions about other people’s strength of feelings on the subject.

THIS !!!!!

This is sadly so true. At 38 you just don't have time to wait patiently. And yes, I know Madonna probably had triplets at 48 (or whatever) but that's not real life in Hounslow.

Bonkers.

i can see your point op. I’ve seen mums aged 30 on mumsnet being described as “old” and people saying the ideal time to have kids in your 20s.
none of the men in my circle wanted kids in their 20s. Absolutely none! I really don’t know where women meet these men. Any of my male friends didn’t want kids in their 20s either. I know lots of women don’t want kids in their 20s either but honestly I think women are keener to have them sooner than men for obvious reasons: