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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to only invite mum, not dad?

102 replies

HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:32

Hello!

Not sure if I am being super unreasonable- I've gone backwards and forwards in my mind all night. My son is 5 and wants to invite a friend from school for tea - so generally I would expect to pick them both up from school, feed them, they play together and the mum or Dad or whoever picks the friend up when they are ready.
I invited the little boy via WhatsApping his mum and she was super excited. She mentioned she would like to come too as the little one has anxiety - this is totally fine.

I would have hoped not to host the mum but I understand her little boy might be worried without her - I can do smalltalk for a bit!

Then she mentioned she would maybe need to swap with her husband at some point as she also looks after her elderly parent.

AIBU not to want her to swap halfway with the little boys dad? I don't want to sit for an hour with a guy I don't know, in my house while making small talk and the kids playing upstairs- I was already a little out of my comfort zone hosting the mum but I was willing to do it - the dad (who I don't know at all) just feels a bit too far. I wish I hadn't reached out now as I can't take it back and I don't know how to respond!

YANBU - If the child needs a parent there, you don't get to choose the parent

YABU - You invited the child, it's OK not to want to host his dad!

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 02/02/2025 23:34

I wouldn't like it and I would say 'let's leave it for now and arrange something for another time'.

BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 23:34

I think your description of the poll is in the opposite order to your description of the situation.

Anyway, I think ywbu to say no to the dad. You'll just do the same kids and school small talk with him that you would with a mum.

Original poster
HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:36

bigboykitty · 02/02/2025 23:34

I wouldn't like it and I would say 'let's leave it for now and arrange something for another time'.

I feel bad - i just would feel so uncomfortable! My husband would be at work too so it's just a strange environment for me to have a guy sat on my sofa for an hour that I don't know, didn't really want there and have nothing to say too!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 02/02/2025 23:36

Did you reply that you were happy to have him until she could pick him up? 5 is young to leave though. When it comes to chatting, I find Dads/GDads as easy to talk to as the women carers.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 02/02/2025 23:37

How has your son got to 5 and you've not had this before? I've done plenty of playdates with dads, at softplay, the park, my house, their house. My DP has gone on lots too.
If you invite a 5yo then you expect a parent, either a mum or dad, unless you are inviting the mum as your friend.

HPandthelastwish · 02/02/2025 23:38

If it bothered me I'd send back something like "ah, that sounds really hectic for you, don't want to add any other life admin to your list, let's meet up at soft play later in the week does X work for you?"

That way if dad goes instead of mum you aren't in your house if that's the issue

PollyPeeves · 02/02/2025 23:39

Can you suggest that the point that she needs to leave would be the best time to end the get together? For the first time anyway and you can build up to him feeling confident enough to stay for tea another time?

BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 23:39

HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:36

I feel bad - i just would feel so uncomfortable! My husband would be at work too so it's just a strange environment for me to have a guy sat on my sofa for an hour that I don't know, didn't really want there and have nothing to say too!

Show quote history

But all those things apply to a woman too. He's just a parent doing some parenting. Men do do that.

NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 23:40

RabbitsEatPancakes · 02/02/2025 23:37

How has your son got to 5 and you've not had this before? I've done plenty of playdates with dads, at softplay, the park, my house, their house. My DP has gone on lots too.
If you invite a 5yo then you expect a parent, either a mum or dad, unless you are inviting the mum as your friend.

This. I’ve actually become good friends with two of DS’s friends dads. DS and his friends are 12/13 now, and I still see them socially.

And no, I don’t think you can say the child can come only if you get to choose the sex of the accompanying parent.

Original poster
HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:40

Ah I've put the poll the wrong way haha! Yes the invite was to pick him up from school and keep him at mine. She asked if she could come too as he takes a while to warm up to people. I said of course but would have definitely preferred just a pick up at 6.30! However the addition of the dad halfway (without the mum) just seems a step too far - much much different to the little play date I envisioned! Does that make sense?

OP posts:
NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 23:41

HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:40

Ah I've put the poll the wrong way haha! Yes the invite was to pick him up from school and keep him at mine. She asked if she could come too as he takes a while to warm up to people. I said of course but would have definitely preferred just a pick up at 6.30! However the addition of the dad halfway (without the mum) just seems a step too far - much much different to the little play date I envisioned! Does that make sense?

If your child wants this child to come over, this is the deal, though.

BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 23:41

HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:40

Ah I've put the poll the wrong way haha! Yes the invite was to pick him up from school and keep him at mine. She asked if she could come too as he takes a while to warm up to people. I said of course but would have definitely preferred just a pick up at 6.30! However the addition of the dad halfway (without the mum) just seems a step too far - much much different to the little play date I envisioned! Does that make sense?

If anything splitting the parents makes it easier - if the conversation is lagging you can use the same small talk twice.

Original poster
HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:41

BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 23:39

But all those things apply to a woman too. He's just a parent doing some parenting. Men do do that.

Show quote history

I'm not saying he isn't parenting - just that I feel uncomfortable having a male stranger in my house for that long - would be fine for 10 minutes to drop him off, 10 minutes to pick him up etc but 1hr + with no other person around makes me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:43

PollyPeeves · 02/02/2025 23:39

Can you suggest that the point that she needs to leave would be the best time to end the get together? For the first time anyway and you can build up to him feeling confident enough to stay for tea another time?

Yes maybe thats the best idea - and next time he might not need as much supervision from his parent so might ease her burden a bit too! Thank you x

OP posts:
BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 23:43

HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:41

I'm not saying he isn't parenting - just that I feel uncomfortable having a male stranger in my house for that long - would be fine for 10 minutes to drop him off, 10 minutes to pick him up etc but 1hr + with no other person around makes me feel uncomfortable.

Show quote history

You're not comfortable with a strange male being in your house, but you expected them to send their five year old to your house where you may well have a male partner?

Bluntly OP, you need to shake this - men need to be involved in parenting, don't put up barriers because in the long run it only hurts women.

FantasiaTurquoise · 02/02/2025 23:45

Unless he is nd she sounds a little bit overprotective. It's the kind of thing you do with your first child and by the time you have number two you're quite happy to shove them into a stranger's house without a second thought! I'd have no problem with the dad at all, but can understand you not wanting to spend the whole two hours making small talk to two different parents. Why don't you suggest that if he's a bit anxious you keep this first playdate short to just an hour or so and not have him stay for dinner, then next time you hope he'll feel comfortable coming back with you on his own? If he seems fine once he gets to yours you could always 'spontaneously' suggest she goes to sort out her parent and dad picks him up after tea?

Original poster
HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:45

NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 23:40

This. I’ve actually become good friends with two of DS’s friends dads. DS and his friends are 12/13 now, and I still see them socially.

And no, I don’t think you can say the child can come only if you get to choose the sex of the accompanying parent.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh I'm not sure, I guess it's always just been parties rather than houses after school? I also work full time so didn't think this was weird- I'm just off the day I suggested it for another appointment so thought it might be nice for my son to have a friend for tea. I speak to lots of dad's and grandparents etc at parties for the children, but that's not me, in my house alone with just one man that I don't know. I'm less comfortable with that I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:48

BarbaraHoward · 02/02/2025 23:43

You're not comfortable with a strange male being in your house, but you expected them to send their five year old to your house where you may well have a male partner?

Bluntly OP, you need to shake this - men need to be involved in parenting, don't put up barriers because in the long run it only hurts women.

Show quote history

My husband wouldn't be here either - I did think about that too when I considered why I feel like this. But it's just that I didn't expect any parent to come, and I kind of know the mum a bit from chatting at parties etc and even then that was stretching it for me. The dad being parked on my sofa for an hour or 2 just makes me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't have started this if I knew that was the deal 😂

OP posts:
Moonshine5 · 02/02/2025 23:49

Instead of twisting yourself in lies why don't you just tell the mum the truth.
Personally I don't get it but it's your prerogative.

Original poster
HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:51

Moonshine5 · 02/02/2025 23:49

Instead of twisting yourself in lies why don't you just tell the mum the truth.
Personally I don't get it but it's your prerogative.

I haven't lied or even replied back, she kind of added it to 1 message and then sent 2 others straight after so I replied to the last message and then re-read. I am not asking if I should reply etc, just if I'm being unreasonable not to want to host them, especially not split for 1 hour each.

OP posts:
NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 23:51

HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:45

Oh I'm not sure, I guess it's always just been parties rather than houses after school? I also work full time so didn't think this was weird- I'm just off the day I suggested it for another appointment so thought it might be nice for my son to have a friend for tea. I speak to lots of dad's and grandparents etc at parties for the children, but that's not me, in my house alone with just one man that I don't know. I'm less comfortable with that I guess.

Show quote history

I work FT, too, but would have children over to play at weekends, or the odd day I worked flexibly. I’m not sure why the sex of the accompanying parent is such a stumbling block for you. Are you saying you’re afraid of being alone in your house with a man, or that you don’t know what to talk to a man about?

bigboykitty · 02/02/2025 23:53

HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:36

I feel bad - i just would feel so uncomfortable! My husband would be at work too so it's just a strange environment for me to have a guy sat on my sofa for an hour that I don't know, didn't really want there and have nothing to say too!

Show quote history

Don't feel bad. It's inappropriate of the mum to put you in this position. Just say what I said earlier and that day no l9nger works for you either as something came up. I probably wouldn't rearrange, but if you're very keen to do so, fix a date in your diaries with the mum when you're both free to go to the Park or something.

NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 23:53

HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:51

I haven't lied or even replied back, she kind of added it to 1 message and then sent 2 others straight after so I replied to the last message and then re-read. I am not asking if I should reply etc, just if I'm being unreasonable not to want to host them, especially not split for 1 hour each.

Show quote history

Has it occurred to you that they don’t necessarily trust you, and want to check you and your house out the first time their five year old goes there?

Original poster
HoneyPie12 · 02/02/2025 23:54

NowThatYouSayIt · 02/02/2025 23:51

I work FT, too, but would have children over to play at weekends, or the odd day I worked flexibly. I’m not sure why the sex of the accompanying parent is such a stumbling block for you. Are you saying you’re afraid of being alone in your house with a man, or that you don’t know what to talk to a man about?

Show quote history

I don't invite children to play at my house at weekends, I don't just have the one child I have 4 so we tend to do quite a bit together ad a family - but I do take him to parties, he plays with his cousins and my best friends little boy etc too.

I'm not afraid of having a man in my house although I see what you are getting at. I just don't want to "host" a guy I don't know. I don't particularly want to host the mum either but I understand she feels protective of him and wants to be there with him. It's his first play date after school too so I guess I'm not the only weirdo 😂

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 02/02/2025 23:56

Just say that you'll just keep it to the time she needs to leave this time. Personally I'd feel weirder about making the kids tea and still having to entertain the parent there. An hour with a light snack offered for the child, and a cuppa for mum seems less hassle.