AIBU to only invite mum, not dad?

[HoneyPie12]

Hello!

Not sure if I am being super unreasonable- I've gone backwards and forwards in my mind all night. My son is 5 and wants to invite a friend from school for tea - so generally I would expect to pick them both up from school, feed them, they play together and the mum or Dad or whoever picks the friend up when they are ready.
I invited the little boy via WhatsApping his mum and she was super excited. She mentioned she would like to come too as the little one has anxiety - this is totally fine.

I would have hoped not to host the mum but I understand her little boy might be worried without her - I can do smalltalk for a bit!

Then she mentioned she would maybe need to swap with her husband at some point as she also looks after her elderly parent.

AIBU not to want her to swap halfway with the little boys dad? I don't want to sit for an hour with a guy I don't know, in my house while making small talk and the kids playing upstairs- I was already a little out of my comfort zone hosting the mum but I was willing to do it - the dad (who I don't know at all) just feels a bit too far. I wish I hadn't reached out now as I can't take it back and I don't know how to respond!

YANBU - If the child needs a parent there, you don't get to choose the parent

YABU - You invited the child, it's OK not to want to host his dad!

Far too much hassle.

It's gone from you taking little Johnny home from school, letting him play with your DS and then feeding him, to you taking Johnny AND his mum home, entertaining the mother, then at some point she goes and you are expected to entertain someone else. Fuck that - on a "normal" after school play the kids can play and you can get on with whatever until making tea and sending them home. The fact that it is a mum/dad is irrelevant, I'd have exactly the same feelings if it was mum and granny, or two mums.

Just say it doesn't work for you, or you've suddenly remembered a dentist appointment that day and why don't you meet at the park / soft play?

In all honesty I just wouldn't be bothered and I'd arrange for a different play date. I have fallen in to the trap of tying myself up in knots to facilitate play dates at the start, but now I only invite children who are easy to manage, aren't cheeky, don't constantly ask for food, aren't quarrelsome and whose parents are easy going. Life is so much easier that way.

I agree @Soontobe60 . It doesn't take a rocket scientist to think of the sorts of experiences women go through that mean we're uncomfortable being in the house alone with a male we've never met before.
All this cool girl, "I'm ok with it so why are you so uptight OP?" replies really leave a sour taste with me.

I have a 5 yo DS who certainly wouldn't be happy going on a playdate without me or DH at the moment (and he is DC3 so definitely not PFB!)

My thoughts are a) I would have absolutely no problem with hosting the DH BUT the arrangement is too complicated and tbh if you are thinking of 6.30, the playdate is too long. My 5 yo can't manage more than 60-90 minutes of playing with a friend before they start to play around rather than with each other. So just keep it shorter, until the mum has to leave.

b) A 5 yo doesn't "have anxiety" (assuming they haven't experienced extreme trauma). This is normal behaviour for this age, don't pathologise it!

The mum is slightly bonkers, I think. She is putting her arrangements on to you. A regular person would have said, 'How lovely. Little Jim is a bit anxious so would it be OK to come with him for an hour and a cuppa and then take him home as I have another appointment'. That is the normal response. Waaaay too involved to tell you about elderly parents and swapping with dad and etc....

But also - 6.30 end for a playdate is too late for a 5 year old - and your sanity. I say 5.45pm pick up, please. That way they can have an early tea at 5ish, another short play and ready to go with some back-and-forths on the doorstep by 6 at the latest (if you have a chatty parent or reluctant-to-leave child).

6.30 pushes it into 7 and bed/bath time. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Do a shorter playdate with parent 1. Swapping to parent 2 partway through is a faff and more likely to unsettle the child and feed their "anxiety".

It's normal for children to be a bit nervous before something different, but complicating it with unnecessary parent swapping feeds it rather than reassuring that it's a normal emotion that we face then move past to find the reward.

My thoughts exactly

Oh yanbu at all OP, men should be out earning money shouldn't they, not spending time with their kids and taking them on playdates. It's just natural for the woman to look after the kids isn't it?

Yes I am being sarcastic. You are extremely unreasonable.

The issue isn't "is the dad a good parent" it's why do I have an issue with him being an unknown male in my home when I'm alone. I presume it's a me thing because of my own experiences- but I didn't get the memo that men earn the money and women look after the kids. Think my poor husband is very hard done by the amount he does! 😉

I didn't say he had anxiety- she did. It's her child so I didn't question or belittle how she chose to express how he feels. I think a 5 year old can be anxious though - just a normal human emotion not limited to adults in my experience.

I assure you I’ve had the kind of experience you refer to. It has made me all too aware that the threat to girls and women’s safety are overwhelmingly from spouses and parents.

Explain it how you like, attitudes like yours make it harder for dads to be primary carers and harder for mums to be primary wage-earners.

Same. No way would I have anyone in my house for that amount of time.
I dont 'do' small talk.
I dont 'do' being uncomfortable in my own home.
I get you.

No woman has to have anyone - man or woman- in her house if it makes her uncomfortable.
End of.
And she doesn't have to explain it to you either.

Why not offer to shorten play date drop boy not home to his dad

I think that 3hrs is a bit long to host a playdate, if the parent is there the whole time anyway - are you expected to feed them as well? I wouldn't like the starting-over feeling with a new parent halfway through a playdate either, whether it was mum or dad switching in.

I think you should message back something like:
"I don't want it to get too stressful or complicated for you, it might be better to keep it short this time and see how he gets on. If you have to leave at 5 for your mum, then they'll still have 1.5 hours of playing before you have to go, which sounds lovely."

I would say let's leave it for now when it's not so complicated, as the whole situation sounds like a PITA. Or, like others have suggested, maybe just shorten the playdate.

But no, I wouldn't be bothered about the father of a 5 year old also in my home.

I don't understand why it's complicated. Child and mum turn up at 4. Cup of tea. Drink and snack for kids. Kids play. At 5 dad turns up. Mum leaves. Another cup of tea. Kids play. At 6 dad and kid leave.

no

the vast majority of men aren't monsters...

Thank you, that was probably the most valuable of all the comments 😄 🤣

She's being hard work, and taking liberties. I wouldn't want this either. Guess you need to decide if you out up with it this time or if you bail out.

If she thinks this is normal she's bonkers- stay away!

She doesn't want to sit with the Dad? I think that's reasonable .

She also has the right to choose not to have to entertain a man she’s never met in her house.