AIBU to only invite mum, not dad?

[HoneyPie12]

Hello!

Not sure if I am being super unreasonable- I've gone backwards and forwards in my mind all night. My son is 5 and wants to invite a friend from school for tea - so generally I would expect to pick them both up from school, feed them, they play together and the mum or Dad or whoever picks the friend up when they are ready.
I invited the little boy via WhatsApping his mum and she was super excited. She mentioned she would like to come too as the little one has anxiety - this is totally fine.

I would have hoped not to host the mum but I understand her little boy might be worried without her - I can do smalltalk for a bit!

Then she mentioned she would maybe need to swap with her husband at some point as she also looks after her elderly parent.

AIBU not to want her to swap halfway with the little boys dad? I don't want to sit for an hour with a guy I don't know, in my house while making small talk and the kids playing upstairs- I was already a little out of my comfort zone hosting the mum but I was willing to do it - the dad (who I don't know at all) just feels a bit too far. I wish I hadn't reached out now as I can't take it back and I don't know how to respond!

YANBU - If the child needs a parent there, you don't get to choose the parent

YABU - You invited the child, it's OK not to want to host his dad!

Yes. That's why I said "of course" to the mum coming, and staying with him when she asked. If they were both coming together that would also be fine by me. I just don't want to host the dad by myself for an unspecified amount of time after already hosting the mum.

I think I'd suggest that if the child wants to leave when she does, she should take him.

But if he's confident and happy enough to stay, you'll drop him home after or the dad can pick him up.

Really and truly it sounds as though he's not ready for play dates just yet.

But that's what I'd suggest anyway, and to be honest his dad might be totally relieved too! 🤣🤣

It’s getting very complicated for a play date! You are perfectly reasonable not to want a stranger in your home for an hour or more, I’d feel the same. I would cut it back to just an hour or so , just afternoon tea.

I’m trying to think what happened when I had an accompanying parent of either sex over when DS was in Reception —I think I just accepted whoever came along. It was generally a one-off, anyway, as next time the child was ok with coming solo, so I figured I could put up with pretty much anyone once.

I have never had a parent stay with a child for a playdate, it was always drop and run but I understand the child has anxiety.

so do I. I would certainly not entertain another adult I don’t know for an afternoon making small talk when the kids play. Couldn’t think of anything worse.

Also mum could just be so excited at DS having a playdate with a little friend that she's only clicked afterwards that she might not have enough time to stay for tea. I bet she'll be happy for them both to bail when she needs to go. Probably just didn't want to say that incase you thought she's being weird 😅

I think rather than cause issues I'm just going to do that - I've taken everyone's comments on board and I guess if the little boy only had his dad I would have to put up and shut up 😂so this is no different when I think about it. We didn't really do playdates at home in reception, it was usually the park and that seemed to be fine. Bloody January forcing me to be back indoors with my child who cries when his ears are cold or the park would have been my suggestion now too! 🙃

I also think, just reduce the playdate time to fit with mum being there.
YANBU... your house, you get to say who comes.

I would explain truthfully, if asked, too.
Good luck.

Back in my day my mum would have expected me to come home myself too haha! I did live in a little village so it was different but it was never the parents sat chatting!

I think you're being unreasonable op.
5 is still young and a parent with for a first visit is not unusual.
If they're just there to reassure young child they won't expect you to dance attendance on them, it'll just be low key, so I'd probably prep dinner and wash up while they have a cuppa and light chat.

I hear you! I can honestly say though no parent has ever asked to come with their child for any of my 4 kids and I did loads of playdates.

No. Suggest you could do something outside as the kids will be disturbed by the comings and goings at home

YANBU Op. I'd cut it short & the DC leaves when the mum does or rearrange it for another time.

My DH and I sometimes have to do that due to other commitments; I mean the playdate of for the kids not the adults. I could t care less who shows up (from the parents) as long as the kids are having fun.

It would be a no from me.

I would be honest and say that I wasn't expecting a parent to stay on, if he isn't ready to be left, do it another time.

We are 18 years into accompanied playdates (teen with SEN) and invitations always included an unspecified parent. At the end of the day it's your house, your choice, but it's different to what I'm used to.

Thos

Why can't you talk to dad like you would mum? I don't understand why you're okay with one parent but not the other.

YANBU at all OP.
The other mum is being a bit presumptuous that you would want to entertain both her and then separately, her DH who you have never met.

I would message back something like …
Thanks for your message. On refection, I’m actually rather tight for time later on that day, but would love if you and little Fred both come back to mine for tea and cake and a little play just for an hour straight after school, if that suits you.

I always find these posts a bit strange and feel sorry for the single dads and stay at home dad's.

It's another MN double standard. Everyone wants dad's involved doing school runs so mum isn't doing all the childcare but dad couldn't possibly go on a playdate 🙄

If that worried can you meet in the park? Seems a shame for both children to cancel because of this.

Yes exactly.

My DD has epipens for an allergy, so if the hosting parents aren't comfortable with that one of us has to stay, and we always stay for parties as the hosting parents have enough to worry about. In fairness it's usually me and DH looks after the younger one, but I'd be pretty pissed off if DD's opportunities for socialising were constrained because someone was happy to talk to me but not my DH.

Totally normally for parent to come too where we are. I think you are being a bit weird to be honest. Dads are allowed to parent.

There is no way I would allow my 5 year old to be unaccompanied to someone who we didn't knows house really, really well. So I wouldn't invite a 5 year old over without their parent either.
That said, I also would not invite a stranger into my house, even if they were a parent.
I'd invite them to soft play, park, zoo etc until we knew eachother much better.

I wouldn’t expect a parent for an after school play date but then I can’t remember doing them as young as 5.

OP, if it makes you uncomfortable, just say you don’t want to cause them inconvenience and maybe it’s better to wait until the kids are a little less anxious.

Do men in general make you feel uncomfortable? Men in work etc?

I think you need to explore why this makes you feel so uncomfortable. Surely it’s unusual? Is it because you do t think you can chat to a man? Does it make you feel threatened? Do you think it’s inappropriate because your husband isn’t there?

in the work place you are oils have to have meetings with men and talk to them - while I appreciate that isn’t in your home it’s similar.