AIBU to only invite mum, not dad?

[HoneyPie12]

Hello!

Not sure if I am being super unreasonable- I've gone backwards and forwards in my mind all night. My son is 5 and wants to invite a friend from school for tea - so generally I would expect to pick them both up from school, feed them, they play together and the mum or Dad or whoever picks the friend up when they are ready.
I invited the little boy via WhatsApping his mum and she was super excited. She mentioned she would like to come too as the little one has anxiety - this is totally fine.

I would have hoped not to host the mum but I understand her little boy might be worried without her - I can do smalltalk for a bit!

Then she mentioned she would maybe need to swap with her husband at some point as she also looks after her elderly parent.

AIBU not to want her to swap halfway with the little boys dad? I don't want to sit for an hour with a guy I don't know, in my house while making small talk and the kids playing upstairs- I was already a little out of my comfort zone hosting the mum but I was willing to do it - the dad (who I don't know at all) just feels a bit too far. I wish I hadn't reached out now as I can't take it back and I don't know how to respond!

YANBU - If the child needs a parent there, you don't get to choose the parent

YABU - You invited the child, it's OK not to want to host his dad!

It's the kid's dad, not a Martian!

I would just say thst you are happy to end the play date when she needs to leave. If its his first play date staying for tea might be too much anyway.

Just do the play date until she can pick her kid up?

Can you not say that as the mum has to leave half way through then you can cut the playdate short. Change it so they come for an hour. Even come up with an excuse that you have something to do later.

And that's a completely normal and ok way to feel. I think the first poster nailed it - say "let's leave it and find a more convenient time".

I'm with you OP. More than happy for someone to check the house out, see my in my own environment with the DC, see if they are happy t leave their child there. Definitely not happy for a revolving door of parents in and out on a play date.
You've normally sussed someone out by the time you agree to a play date so a quick coffee then leave should be fine. I invite kids over to play with my kids, not for me to expand my social circle, I already have enough friends. I'm happy to entertain my actual friends when they come with their DC of course, but really can't be arsed with anything other than that.

But surely this is because the child in anxious and doesn’t want to in the house alone?

can an adult not make small talk with a fellow parent to allow the kid a play date?

I think this is totally reasonable. I wouldn’t want to spend 1hr+ with a man I didn’t know either, especially not in my house, regardless of if they’re a Dad. Don’t know why people are trying to make you feel bad about that.

It feels awkward to say sorry I don’t want to host your husband (even though you should be allowed to say that) but you could say something like -

“I’m sorry I’ve got lots on at the moment and was suggesting this as a playdate for the boys where I’d keep and eye but would be able to get on with other bits while they were playing, I really understand wanting to be with sons name as he gets used to play dates but I’ve realised I just won’t be able to host you or your husband properly midweek as I’ve just got too much to do. Why don’t we change plans and do something at a weekend soon? Would be nice to get a coffee with you while the boys play, does that work?”

Or something like that.

It's a bit of a weird one. To be honest I'd find it awkward the mum being there if I didn't know her to talk to. I don't really do play dates as I haven't got the space but now and again we meet up with people at the park. Having them in your house is a bit more awkward I think. Maybe you could just say something has come up and arrange something for another time.

Worst comes to worst, if small talk is awkward. stick the dad in front of Pointless and get on with making dinner in the kitchen

You've got 4 DC and this is the first time you've had a friend play whose main carer is male?

I think YABU, because I get you have anxiety about having a man in your house - I also have anxiety and mine was pretty bad when my DC were small and needed accompanying for play dates, but I had to put them first and deal with it.

This 5 year old has anxiety about being in a strange house with a strange adult without his parent, surely you can empathise with that? You're a grown woman and presumably interact with men in work and other situations, so it's less strange for you than for him, plus he's 5 and you're the adult. Your DC wants this friend to play so I think you should suck it up.

Yes ... I agree.
I wouldn't like it.

If you overthink everything that you do with your child like this you're going to have a very long next 13 years OP.
Dads are parents too. What on earth would you have talked to the Mum about that you can't talk with the Dad about?! Sex? Men? With a woman you don't know?! Of course not. So no difference.
Topics you could have in your mind are
The school activities
The local parks
Sports the kids like
Holidays
Day trips
Kids' favourite books
Kids' favourite toys
And there's plenty more.

I dont think you're being unreasonable at all. It's all the faff of the swapping and having to host 2 people. It turns it from something simple to hard work.

I personally find it rude when people ask things like this as it then puts you in the awkward position. It puts on you too much.

I would go with what pp has suggested, something along the lines of. 'How about we keep it short this time' (pp worded it better)

Hopefully she will take the hint but you've been polite.

If she has caring responsibilities she might not get out much and want to be your friend?

Hello! I think a few people have missed the update, I am just going to suck it up because I really want my son to have his playdate- like others pointed out it's probably only going to be for the first time and then all of the awkward part is done. I don't think the issue was with the man as such although I recognise I've probably got my own issues of why I felt it would be awkward and inappropriate to "host" him on his own. I think if it had been that he was a single dad and wanted to stay I might have been better about it but it was more the mum staying on her own and then having to do it all over again with the dad - it was unexpected and threw me for a loop.

I do work with tons of men of course, chat to dad's in the playground, at parties for our kids, text to arrange pick ups for my eldest etc but none of those things require me to host a man I don't know in my home on my own. And a work capacity is very different.

I just expected to have the little one here to play while I cracked on with the normal stuff - helping my other kids with homework, doing the dinner, doing the dishes etc and probably (and the most glamour) sorting uniforms and laundry. I didn't expect a tea and cake sort of thing but I've pivoted and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I get peoples points about dad's parent too - I just think after 45 minutes of his mum being in the house too and the playdate going well, we didn't need a second parent to do a shift. Maybe if he was the first parent and then would leave after a while if all was OK I would have felt different too!

I'm happy with all of the different opinions and points of view and very greatful for them (even the harsh ones)!

I really don't get this "hosting" thing. It's a cup of tea and a bit of chat. People make play dates sound like a Royal Garden party....

Why not have something like a marble run ready and say "Would you mind setting this up with the boys-I've just got to get the dinner on"

TBH I wouldn’t even have had to think about this. Of course it would have been fine.

Your poll was difficult to read so I don’t think your results will reflect the response. The other family are crazy to ask this of you

Nobody has to have a man they have never met in their home.

So many people commenting on this post are trying too hard to be seen as ‘inclusive’.
Of course a woman should not feel obliged to have a strange male in her own home! It’s almost like some people have never heard of VAWG!!!
OP, I wouldn't be ok with this, and if the mum is saying she wants to come too, which is reasonable seeing as its the LOs first time at your house, then I’d call it off and suggest a session together at soft play or the park instead with both parents so that you can all get to know each other.

At 5yrs old and the first time this other child is visiting I wouldn't have them playing upstairs alone. Bring a selection of toys downstairs and then the visiting parents can interact a bit with the children. If the friend's mum thinks her child needs her in sight due to anxiety, then it defeats the purpose if the kids are upstairs.

Generally where I live a 5 year old would go to a play date with their parent, certainly in the earlier days of going to someone's house, do that wouldn't surprise me at all.
In your scenario why don't you say either, oh that would make it terribly complicated for you both, why don't the children have just a quick play this time to save your husband making an extra journey and we can do a longer one when you have more time, or, just say you sound so busy at the moment, why don't you tell me when you have a bit more time and we'll do it then, maybe we could take the children somewhere. Hopefully she'll both appreciate the offer and pick up on the hint that you feel uncomfortable.

Yes this. Say let's keep life simpler for you for the first one.