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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent has put themselves down as primary carer on our holiday booking?

135 replies

KSM123 · 02/02/2025 21:01

We have a holiday planned with my in laws with our baby who will be 4 months old at time of travel. My FIL has booked the flights and has today told us that he put himself down as my baby’s primary carer. This instantly made me feel a certain kind of way - maybe hurt and a bit angry - but I wasn’t sure at the time if I was being unreasonable so kept quiet…my understanding is that, with this, baby will need to sit with him on a different row from us for the flight when seatbelts light is on. He will also get her extra 10kg luggage allowance. Technically he will also be responsible for any decisions made for her during the airport and flight should something happen?
I am really not sure why he has put himself down instead of myself or my husband. Am I overthinking it? Maybe it’s not a big deal? I just want to be with my baby through the flight and wish it wasn’t so casually assumed that would be ok with us.
My husband doesn’t seem to care and thinks we will be able to just switch seats so we can be on the row with her but I’m not sure it’s that simple if the flight booking has been made that way.
AIBU?

OP posts:
DaftyLass · 02/02/2025 21:03

Hard no
Why on earth did you not speak up at the time?
I'd get that changed pronto
Does he have form for riding roughshod?

Bristolinfeb · 02/02/2025 21:03

Did you ask why he did it?

No way would the baby be sitting anywhere but with me.

I would be giving him all the nappies to pack in his suitcase.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 02/02/2025 21:04

A 4 month old baby won't get a seat, so he will have to sit on an adults knee, I don't see why it wouldn't be yours.

It's a very odd thing for your FIL to do.

MidnightPatrol · 02/02/2025 21:04

Just because they’ve booked the flight with the infant as a +1 under one persons name, doesn’t mean the baby has to sit with them.

I’m entirely confident I’ve never read anything about one person being responsible for my child when flying with them either.

Where are you getting this information from?

TBH when flying with an infant the only info they have is the total number of infants on the plane, so they have enough seat belts.

123ZYX · 02/02/2025 21:05

I'd start by asking why, so you understand what he reason is - should help to avoid arguments,

Then saying it will need baby to be with you on the plane and so will need to be listed as primary cater - offer to pay if there's a cost.

No need for it to be an argument, but make sure you're firm about there being no other options.

Do you breastfeed, if so this is a key argument, because feeding can help with the effect of air pressure on the baby's ears

TwentyTwentyFive · 02/02/2025 21:06

Why would he have to sit with your child, who would be on your knee not a seat?

Did he actually understand what it meant and do you think he did it for a reaction or did he think it was just like being the lead passenger?

RicStar · 02/02/2025 21:06

I don't think this will matter OP, you (or your DH) will be able to sit with your baby! Please don't worry about it - this <dedicated adult where there are more than one being responsible for a baby on a flight> is just not a thing in reality.

wizzywig · 02/02/2025 21:07

I'd enjoy the break . But that's just me

DaveWatts · 02/02/2025 21:08

I do think that some seats on the plane are unsuitable for a baby on your knee although if you can all swap seats between yourselves I suppose it wouldn't matter. I would insist on this being changed though, what a weird thing for him to do.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/02/2025 21:09

MidnightPatrol · 02/02/2025 21:04

Just because they’ve booked the flight with the infant as a +1 under one persons name, doesn’t mean the baby has to sit with them.

I’m entirely confident I’ve never read anything about one person being responsible for my child when flying with them either.

Where are you getting this information from?

TBH when flying with an infant the only info they have is the total number of infants on the plane, so they have enough seat belts.

This. There's a lead passenger but I've never heard of a primary carer.

Oftenaddled · 02/02/2025 21:10

Surely he needed to do that to book the ticket? I doubt he wants to hold her all the way - though if he's offering, fair play to him.

Butterflyfern · 02/02/2025 21:10

I believe it's because there is usually (?) only one spare oxygen mask per row, so they need to know where the lap infants will be in advance so that only one is sat per row.

However, I'm sure on the day, you'll be able to either swap seats with FIL or have your baby with you, it's unlikely they'll be another baby on the same row

LoveBluey · 02/02/2025 21:13

I've not heard of being asked this on a flight and am fairly sure parents would swap their baby between mum and dads laps whether they were listed as primary carer or not.

Having said that it would irk me.

jannier · 02/02/2025 21:22

This is what Google says....

Grandparent has put themselves down as primary carer on our holiday booking?
Grandparent has put themselves down as primary carer on our holiday booking?
BlossomOfOrange · 02/02/2025 21:30

Absolutely not. Tell them they’ve made a mistake which must be addressed urgently, as per @jannier ’s find on google. This is not a judgement call, he’s not your baby’s primary carer.

Original poster
KSM123 · 02/02/2025 21:30

Hi all, thank you for your responses! Why I didn’t say something, I’m not sure - I’m not a confrontational person and I really wasn’t sure if I was just being dramatic.
My in-laws are very lovely but in a way quite controlling and like to be overly involved in everything eg they have gone ahead and booked a rented her a car seat for this holiday without consulting us with first. Despite us telling them we have things covered, they like to insist on their ways.
I don't believe there is mal intent , I think I’m just irked by it and the assumption that would be ok - why not just list her with Mum or Dad?
MIL mentioned primary carer, maybe she has got mixed up and I’ve got the wrong end of the stick ? I’m new to this so it’s reassuring to hear that it’s not as strict rules as I was thinking it was with regards to who baby can sit with ☺️ I suppose it just depends if FIL will swap seats with us so baby can sit with husband or myself in one she’s allowed to?
will definitely appreciate the help however I would’ve liked to be able to pass her over on our own terms and know that I can comfort her if needed, and feed during take off and landing
Thank you for all the comments!

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 02/02/2025 21:33

I think some grandparents forget that while their child is still their child they are actually an adult with a child of their own now.

MidnightPatrol · 02/02/2025 21:50

@KSM123 i think you (and they) have got the wrong end of the stick.

I have travelled a lot with a lap infant and never seen anything of this description.

I actually think when you book the infant is just allocated to the ‘lead passenger’, which is probably why it’s happened.

The only risk factor here is that you are only allowed one infant per row. This is unlikely anyway given it sounds like it’s your family filling that row. But - even in that example, you could just use FILs seat.

So… if you want you to be next to your DH+ infant… then move it, but this will easily resolvable (for free) by contacting the airline.

@jannier is that from ChatGPT? If so, I don’t think it’s really reliable.

Flopsy145 · 02/02/2025 21:52

They will not force baby to be on primary persons lap, I holidayed with my family and my step mum made the booking and DD was an infant under my step mums name but no one checked at all as it was all one family in the booking.

whynotwhatknot · 02/02/2025 21:53

he wants the extra luggage allowance?

Plaided · 02/02/2025 21:53

I think this a miscommunication as he was the lead passenger. I have never had to put down I’m a lead career and we travel with young children a lot (six times a year!). Please don’t worry, your child will be able to sit on whoever’s lap you want them to.

Plaided · 02/02/2025 21:55

Butterflyfern · 02/02/2025 21:10

I believe it's because there is usually (?) only one spare oxygen mask per row, so they need to know where the lap infants will be in advance so that only one is sat per row.

However, I'm sure on the day, you'll be able to either swap seats with FIL or have your baby with you, it's unlikely they'll be another baby on the same row

Yes, it’s usually on one side. It’s not a problem and they will move you to a suitable spot when you get in the flight if it’s not the right seat.

TickingAlongNicely · 02/02/2025 21:56

Will your FIL actually want the discomfort of a baby on his lap for several hours?

Spurber · 02/02/2025 21:57

Absolutely not. If there's a crash you want to be with your baby.

bridgetreilly · 02/02/2025 21:59

I really don’t think the paperwork matters, but you must be clear that the baby will need all of the allocated baggage allowance. FIL doesn’t get to use that.