Grandparent has put themselves down as primary carer on our holiday booking?

[KSM123]

We have a holiday planned with my in laws with our baby who will be 4 months old at time of travel. My FIL has booked the flights and has today told us that he put himself down as my baby’s primary carer. This instantly made me feel a certain kind of way - maybe hurt and a bit angry - but I wasn’t sure at the time if I was being unreasonable so kept quiet…my understanding is that, with this, baby will need to sit with him on a different row from us for the flight when seatbelts light is on. He will also get her extra 10kg luggage allowance. Technically he will also be responsible for any decisions made for her during the airport and flight should something happen?
I am really not sure why he has put himself down instead of myself or my husband. Am I overthinking it? Maybe it’s not a big deal? I just want to be with my baby through the flight and wish it wasn’t so casually assumed that would be ok with us.
My husband doesn’t seem to care and thinks we will be able to just switch seats so we can be on the row with her but I’m not sure it’s that simple if the flight booking has been made that way.
AIBU?

This may be a misunderstanding.

It should be easily clarified or fixed. Ask you DP to ask the PILs to forward you the full booking info. If FIL is indeed listed as primary carer, check the airline’s FAQs or T&Cs to see what that means in practice. If necessary, contact the airline for advice.

If there are implications, ask if it can be changed. In fact (unless it’s a mix up and FIL meant lead booker) if he’s definitely listed as PC, I’d ask to change it anyway, unless there’s a hefty charge and it’s unlikely to cause a problem. Better to have peace of mind and clarify to the airline who the actual PC is. Could it potentially cause problems if either party had to cancel or change to another flight?

As for talking to FIL about it, it depends on (i) what he’s actually booked and (ii) the implications of that. If it needs changing, you’ll probably have to speak to him to change it, as he holds the booking. But it needn’t feel confrontational. Just matter-of-fact for good reason.

In general, I suggest your DP is clear with his DPs about speaking to him, or you both, before they go ahead with booking things for your child, as you like to consider options and decide. Not at all unreasonable. They probably think they’re saving you the stress. Lots of overbearing people think they’re being thoughtful.

> He will also get her extra 10kg luggage allowance
I think we know why he's done it...

If he wasn’t expecting to answer that question maybe he didn’t know which of you or DH he should choose so put himself down as the lead passenger?

I flew weekly with my baby from a few weeks and this is not something to worry about - you just book in your infant and they sit on who ever's knee they are on - the airhosts won't check and as the parent, you will remain 100% in charge of their care.

Don't give it another minute's thought.

FFS come on, really 🙄

I’d call the airline for clarification. If he is indeed listed as primary carer for your baby, I wouldn’t travel unless it’s changed. If it’s lead passenger and MIL got confused then I wouldn’t do anything.

The 5 hour early thing would annoy be FAR more than the lead passenger thing and this is where i'd be argumentative, confrontational and a refusnik. As in, 'we are getting there at X time and we'll meet you at the gate, we are not spending 5 hours at the airport'.

It wouldn't even be a debate.

And you say “seeing as you have baby’s luggage allowance, I’ll drop all the nappies and baby stuff over to you to pack, thank you”

Why not?

Babies under two don't get a baggage allowance......

are you sure this wasnt done accidentally ? when we booked to go with my son partner and grandson I booked the whole package and when the paper work came through i was the same granddaughter on my knee extra luggage ..I certainly didn't do it on purpose and between us we just organised seats cases etc between ourselves once arrived

I would say something OP. I’m concerned that you’ve said your PiL can be controlling and this is evidence of it. Clarify that he has actually listed himself as primary carer and then ask why he did that, when in fact, you, as the baby’s mum, are the primary carer, especially if you’re breast feeding. Have a look at the primary carer definition as used by the airlines - posted a bit upthread - and you’ll see that it’s clear that this is parental responsibility and includes decisions made for the child while you’re in the care of the airline. And if he gets the extra luggage allowance, then he gets all the baby’s stuff to carry !! Seriously I wouldn’t have it - he’s massively overstepped and he needs to know it.

Yes, was thinking the same thing. Something my own father would do.

Babies on laps have zero baggage allowance anyway....

You don't list a 'primary carer' - I've never seen it worded like that. You just put it under an adults name (presumably as they don't have a seat).

We've moved seats as a family, encouraged by the cabin crew, and no paperwork has had to change or whatnot. It also doesn't matter whose name the baby's name is under when you go through passport control. We've travelled loads with our multiple kids (living abroad) and we'd never even know who's name the baby was under.

(Oh, and random tip that's seen me through: feed the baby just as the wheels leave the tarmac, and not a moment before (or else they could get full/fed up by the time you're in the air). It'll hopefully help with equalising the pressure.)

The adult they are sitting on gets an extra 10kg (sometimes more! When we travelled Lufthansa the baby got 23kg) for the baby, as long as they have booked hold luggage. This is as well as pram/car seat/travel cot.

So yes, they do.

It's Airline dependant, mine was zero....

Just pointing out that your statement that babies don’t get a luggage allowance is not correct. Often they do.

Some give an increased hold allowance to the adult that baby is sitting on. Some give the baby their own hand luggage allocation. It’s not a no across the board.

You didn’t, but I did on every occasion with different operators.

It’s relevant because OP is entitled to any extra allowance, which is currently allocated to FIL because he’s put himself down as being the person responsible for the lap baby.

Calm down!

Maybe it’s airline dependent then as it automatically assigned him to the lead booker. I booked the holiday, on my MILs behalf as she’s a bit of a technophobe, I booked with her as lead booker, my child was automatically assigned to my MIL as lead booker as I previously said. I could’ve changed the booking so I was the lead booker so he was assigned to me but as she was paying I chose to leave her as lead and didn’t really see it as an issue, they just printed him a separate boarding pass at the airport so he went through security etc with me. He couldn’t go through with MIL anyway as my FIL is disabled so they had to board separately before everyone else and she wouldn’t be able to manage both even if I did allow her to.

Babies can go in most seats on a plane except the emergency exit rows or if there is another infant on the same row of 3. We pre-booked seats that weren’t an exit rows and as we had a 2.5year old also we knew no other infant would be on our row of 3 as we were filling all the seats. MIL/FIL were in front of us also in a non-emergency exit row. Also flew without the In-laws the following year and with the same airline and you do have to pay to select a infant seat with that airline so you are incorrect that there is ‘normally’ no fee.

If you’re not sure how ALL airlines work then please
don’t cause the OP unnecessary anxiety by telling her that posters are lying about their experiences.

Yes it is Airline dependent, it's not standard across the board....the Airline I worked for did not have baggage allowance for babies on laps.

Yes they do, they’ve always been allowed 10kg checked luggage with tui and jet2 have recently added it to.

OP I’ve travelled with an infant multiple times and it has never been asked who the baby should be sat on, me and my husband swap the kids round multiple times and over different seats.

Ask him to show you seats he's booked - and then change them.

When I first was told that he would be the primary carer for that flight, I was thrown off and didn’t know what this actually entailed, hence not having a “backbone” at the time (thank you, unnecessary comment)

The rented car seat was turned down as we told them we already had it sorted and didn’t not need them to rent one for us - plenty research done in that area.

I am not a regular flight booker so I just wanted to find out what was meant by baby being assigned to FIL in the booking and see if I was being out of order by feeling hurt by the assumption that I would be ok with this. As much as I love my PIL and will be glad to hand our baby over throughout the flight, I want her to be with husband and I.

I spoke with Ryanair this morning who have confirmed that the booker selects who the infant will sit with at time of booking (which does make me wonder again why he selected himself…) but I will be asking him to call and change this (which can apparently be done easily and free of charge)

To add, I am not concerned about abduction risk by my husbands family, I’m aware of the risk of crashes and I don’t think baby being 4mo is a reason to NOT go on holiday abroad - we are very excited to make these special memories with her of her first holiday, even if she won’t remember it! 🥰

RE luggage - we are flying Jet2 on the way out who add an extra 10kg onto hold luggage free of charge for the adult with infant on lap. Ryanair confirmed this morning that they do not offer this but allow up to 5kg carry on for baby and 2 baby equipment.

RE seating - Jet2 it seems they are pretty relaxed about where baby sits within the row but Ryanair confirmed today that the adult with infant must be seated at the window seat of the row and it is supposed to be the person who the infancy is allocated to, but I did get a sense this isn’t always strict.

All in all, it seems like it will be an easy resolution but it doesn’t change the fact I feel like boundaries have been overstepped and the whole concept of it and the disregard for the fact I’m her mother leaves me feeling bitter!!

Thank you again for the comments and discussion, there has been some really helpful info shared.

I think you’ll be fine. When we’ve flown with the baby, no one has checked that the baby is sat on the assigned persons lap - they’ll just give you the baby seatbelt. This happened when we went away with my in laws and it was completely fine, at check in the baby will probably get checked in with the lead booker.