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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent has put themselves down as primary carer on our holiday booking?

135 replies

KSM123 · 02/02/2025 21:01

We have a holiday planned with my in laws with our baby who will be 4 months old at time of travel. My FIL has booked the flights and has today told us that he put himself down as my baby’s primary carer. This instantly made me feel a certain kind of way - maybe hurt and a bit angry - but I wasn’t sure at the time if I was being unreasonable so kept quiet…my understanding is that, with this, baby will need to sit with him on a different row from us for the flight when seatbelts light is on. He will also get her extra 10kg luggage allowance. Technically he will also be responsible for any decisions made for her during the airport and flight should something happen?
I am really not sure why he has put himself down instead of myself or my husband. Am I overthinking it? Maybe it’s not a big deal? I just want to be with my baby through the flight and wish it wasn’t so casually assumed that would be ok with us.
My husband doesn’t seem to care and thinks we will be able to just switch seats so we can be on the row with her but I’m not sure it’s that simple if the flight booking has been made that way.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Muthaofcats · 03/02/2025 07:03

What country are you travelling to and what religious/ethnic group are you/ they? Are you sure there’s no abduction risk ?

Rachmorr57 · 03/02/2025 07:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Amba1998 · 03/02/2025 07:09

Soontobe60 · 03/02/2025 07:02

I have never been on a flight where the cabin crew do a check to see that every passenger is sitting in their allocated seat - it would be carnage!
I have seen a passenger moved because she was in an exit row with a child and the other parent was sitting elsewhere. That meant some juggling round as the child couldnt just swap. But checking tickets? No.
OP, you will be absolutely fine. You can sit in the seat allocated for the baby. Also, your baby luggage allowance means it has its own bag.

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they usually come down and check off the manifest which seats need the extra seatbelt. So I’m not saying it would be enforced but it would be on the paper work and they would automatically go to that seat. Clearly OP is worried about it so my advice is whether it would be enforced or not; to ring the airline and get it sorted in advance so she doesn’t worry in the lead up

Spurber · 03/02/2025 07:16

VickyEadieofThigh · 02/02/2025 22:13

Let's put this mum's mind at ease, eh?!

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What? It's true. If the plane has any issues I'd want to be with my baby

Skigal86 · 03/02/2025 07:16

I’m not sure about jet2, but with Ryanair lap infants have to be in a window seat. Could FIL have chosen to be primary carer so he can have the window seat?

Justalittlehandhold · 03/02/2025 07:17

Muthaofcats · 03/02/2025 07:03

What country are you travelling to and what religious/ethnic group are you/ they? Are you sure there’s no abduction risk ?

What on earth is this all about? What a massive leap!

Zanatdy · 03/02/2025 07:19

No airline is going to demand an infant can only sit on lap of primary carer. I mean I’d let him crack on and i’d watch some films and eat in peace!

Muthaofcats · 03/02/2025 07:27

Justalittlehandhold · 03/02/2025 07:17

What on earth is this all about? What a massive leap!

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Clearly you are unfamiliar with the issue of international child abduction, and the huge risks if a child is abducted to a non Hague convention country. There are certain cultures and ethnic groups where the father and his family hold more rights. Pretty ignorant of you to assume this might not be applicable to the OP.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 03/02/2025 07:27

@KSM123 congratulations on baby and exciting about holiday!

We’ve just come back for holiday with our 7 month old - we were TUI and to be honest I had nothing to do with bookings so can’t confirm if lead passenger was a thing. PP seem to confirm that this is a JET2 thing. Our flight was unfortunately delayed for 5 hrs (whilst we were on the plane because of snow) and there was lots of passing baby between DH and I who were on opposite sides of the isle. There will be one person who gets given the extra baby seatbelt to attach to them - in my experience they just looked to see who had the baby at the time - I’m pretty sure cabin crew don’t have a list of “primary carer seats” and even if they did I’m pretty sure this is flexible as the seats themselves don’t change it’s just the person who has the baby seatbelt. I hope that’s reassuring.

I would get you and DH to say firmly that you will be having baby on your lap for both flights regardless of who is primary carer before you get to the airport to avoid stress there. Relationships with in-laws can be tricky once there’s a new baby as you’re having to navigate a new type of relationship. Like you said often there’s no mal-intent but boundaries do need to be put in place so that’s something that you and DH will need to work together on if they are oversteppers. Enjoy your hols x

Justalittlehandhold · 03/02/2025 07:28

Muthaofcats · 03/02/2025 07:27

Clearly you are unfamiliar with the issue of international child abduction, and the huge risks if a child is abducted to a non Hague convention country. There are certain cultures and ethnic groups where the father and his family hold more rights. Pretty ignorant of you to assume this might not be applicable to the OP.

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Pretty dramatic to think it does!

Ottersmith · 03/02/2025 07:31

When you check in you will have your baby with you so they will put the baby with you. I am assuming you will be packing a pram as well so they will be sorting that out for you. Of course the baby needs to sit with you the whole flight. If your PIL thought otherwise then they must be batshit insane. When my baby flew he needed to go on the boob to cope with the pressure and ears popping etc. can. Your Father in law supply that? Thought not!

nc43214321 · 03/02/2025 07:32

Never even heard that this is a thing, lol I'd be like here's baby see you later 🤣 in all seriousness though, sure airport/plane workers will see you are the mother and doubt they will separate you and if they do try just say your the mother end of.

Zanatdy · 03/02/2025 07:34

Spurber · 03/02/2025 07:16

What? It's true. If the plane has any issues I'd want to be with my baby

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Really was no need for your comment. Why would anyone think it’s an appropriate comment to make.

Porcuporpoise · 03/02/2025 07:42

Muthaofcats · 03/02/2025 07:27

Clearly you are unfamiliar with the issue of international child abduction, and the huge risks if a child is abducted to a non Hague convention country. There are certain cultures and ethnic groups where the father and his family hold more rights. Pretty ignorant of you to assume this might not be applicable to the OP.

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Which part of the OP makes you think it might be? And what has it got to do with where the baby sits on the plane?

AwardGiselePelicotTheNobelPeacePrize · 03/02/2025 07:56

Butterflyfern · 02/02/2025 21:10

I believe it's because there is usually (?) only one spare oxygen mask per row, so they need to know where the lap infants will be in advance so that only one is sat per row.

However, I'm sure on the day, you'll be able to either swap seats with FIL or have your baby with you, it's unlikely they'll be another baby on the same row

I think this is right - you are not allowed to fly solo with infant twins because of this.

FTTTC2025 · 03/02/2025 07:57

I would speak to the airline for clarification. We have recently been on a flight where nobody was allowed to swap seats, they even made an announcement about it and said it was due to ‘weight distribution’. It seemed a very weird reason as they wouldn’t have known anyone’s weight at the time of booking but absolutely nobody was allowed to change or swap seats. I have never seen this before so I would definitely check just in case.

FatGirlLosing · 03/02/2025 07:59

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 03/02/2025 06:35

Yanbu for being pissed off at the chain of events, but why take a 4mo abroad?

Only on Mumsnet…

OnceUponASausage · 03/02/2025 08:01

HMW1906 · 02/02/2025 23:13

Baby is usually automatically assigned to the lead booker so presumably your FIL in this situation. We travelled with the in-laws when our youngest was 12weeks. MIL was lead booker so he was assigned to her boarding card. When we got to the check in desk I just told them that baby would be sat with me and they took him off of her boarding card and printed his own out. It was fine and not even an issue. If you’re are all on one booking the extra 10kg can go on anyone’s case it doesn’t have to be on FILs.

No they aren’t. I’ve booked loads of flights recently with a baby. You have to specify who the lead carer is.

At seat booking it checks again because there are only certain seats you can choose for a lap child. It literally says ‘name of adult + baby’ and normally there’s no fee for that seat booking too.

Guessing you didn’t actually make the booking and are just going off what MIL told you.

MultilingualMummy · 03/02/2025 08:02

I long for the day women get backbones. This should have been shut down immediately and immediately corrected.

pinkroses79 · 03/02/2025 08:05

You could just tell your FIL that you are the primary carer and want it changed just in case of any issues, or you could call the airline and see what this means and get it changed. It will be easily resolvable, if it even matters.

SherbetSweeties · 03/02/2025 08:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I was teasing i doubt the op is gonna do that.

SovietSpy · 03/02/2025 08:24

Amba1998 · 03/02/2025 07:02

for all those who are saying people mustn’t fly much, I fly with my kids 4 times a year and the OP is correct but it’s a jet2 thing. OP just ring the airline.

We’ve just booked with jet2 and I remember filling this section out.

OP is the flight with jet2 because it is a field on the booking form so you may wish to ask In laws to change it. I’m sure it makes little practical difference when on board but still, very odd not to put mum or dad as the babies carer.

Bigsigh24 · 03/02/2025 08:26

MidnightPatrol · 02/02/2025 21:04

Just because they’ve booked the flight with the infant as a +1 under one persons name, doesn’t mean the baby has to sit with them.

I’m entirely confident I’ve never read anything about one person being responsible for my child when flying with them either.

Where are you getting this information from?

TBH when flying with an infant the only info they have is the total number of infants on the plane, so they have enough seat belts.

Recently booked flights similar to this and you are asked who the baby will be sitting with, of course I put my DIL her mother and not be who has booked it! does seem odd thing to do though x

custardpyjamas · 03/02/2025 08:36

Probably just a tick box thing (if even that), 'are you the carer', yes, no more questions, no, a whole load of extra detail required. And as said above basically it's assumed the lead passenger is responsible (in a way) for all the people they book on.

maverickfox · 03/02/2025 08:46

soupyspoon · 03/02/2025 06:57

You think google is reliable for this sort of information?!

Its AI

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Where do you think AI gets its information from?

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