To ask the hardest thing you have ever been through

[Youngishh]

Currently going through a divorce and it’s got me thinking about things that people go through in life. Although I am struggling with it, the hardest things I have ever been through was an abortion. I have still never got over it tbh.

I am very lucky never to have gone through anything appalling. Of course I have lost people I loved, but I often think about the fact that my mother had to give birth to a dead child, and even worse, not one but both of my grandmothers birthed two children each who died in infancy. Life was so much more brutal only a few decades ago. I don't think I could've coped with what they coped with, I'd rather be infertile and childless as I am. So many hugs for everyone on this thread.

The traumatic death of my 1 year old. I still question why my life turned out this way.

My dad fell and broke 4 vertebrae at the beginning of 2019. He made a partial recovery in that he could walk and was able to come home but was never quite the same and he was put on the end of life pathway ten days into the first Covid lockdown.

I don't have it in me to go into the gory details but he lived until late May 2021 and although I absolutely adored him, it was an awful time...not helped by my mums inability to deal with the situation.

I took a sabbatical to care for him when I was asked to return to the office but the experience of caring in lockdown impacted my mental health so badly I ended up unable to work for two years and diagnosed with PTSD, GAD and panic disorder.

I'm doing okay now but there were times I thought I'd never get past it and even now there is always a lingering sense that something could pull the plug on my normality at any moment.

Gosh I am so sorry xx

About two years ago my dd was so depressed I couldn’t get her out of bed. She just wanted to die. I used to beg her to stay alive just for me. I kept saying just another day please. Eventually I began to think I was in the wrong for begging her to stay, who was I to keep her alive if she didn’t want to be here. The only place I ever said it was on here. I hate myself every day for thinking it.

Things are different now but I live in constant fear of it going back to how it was.

Six months' homelessness, living in my car. Didn't tell a soul, kept pretending I was in my old job and home. I was very ashamed of it.

Having had something traumatic happen to me, when I finally ventured out of my house again I did have people literally cross the street to avoid me (and I also had people weeping in my face when they saw me). I found that very hard, it felt as if what had happened to me was so awful I had to be avoided

I find people sharing their experiences a comfort to be honest, although obviously I wouldn't wish any of the deeply sad stories in this thread to happen to anyone.

Losing my adult daughter in 2023. She was on life support by the time we were able to be with her, and did not regain consciousness. That 28 days sitting by her side haunt me every day. So many regrets and what ifs. I'll never be the same person I was before this.

So sad for the pain in this thread.

Really? Posters post freely and because they want to share & acknowledge an event
Im sorry that make you uncomfortable, but you don’t get to censure what we talk about
Having read the thread,it’s raw,honest and powerful. It is undermining to deny women a voice about events and pain

Sending so much love to all of you who have lived through loss and those struggling with horrendous health issues.

Gosh just everyone who is hurting for whatever reason. I am truly sorry 💔💔

The death of one of my parents. Ultimately it led to my divorce as it pulled me up and forced me to take notice of what was happening. The divorce was awful as my ex was an abusive cunt, but it was liberating so whilst difficult, it was a positive thing in that respect.

I am sorry you are struggling and hope you find some balance and peace.

Other people's problems don't negate your own!

Love and thoughts to all those who need it 💔

I got married super young, aged 20, but only for a year. My husband at the time strangled me and I thought i was going to die. I’ve never told anyone this, except from the police. I hope your divorce goes well and you feel as good as I did when I got the absolute!!

@Youngishh

Thank you so much for this thread. I hope you are ok too x

I understand, I wish I could’ve held your hand through that. Seeing someone in the throes of horrific depression makes a agonising. My mother suffered terribly, I hated her pain.

I hope and pray she never suffers again.

Seeing your child in such pain, you would do anything.

X

Yes, same. People don't know what to say or how to act around you so they don't engage, possibly afraid they'll say the wrong thing but I'd rather they say the wrong thing then nothing at all.

ive been through a lot. Friends that attempted and the few that succeeded in ending their lives. Being surrounded by addiction, violence growing up. 6 miscarriages and abuse from them partner that it was my fault. Abuse from parents. The complex trauma that comes from not being believed when you have a disabled child and have to fight for everything inc diagnosis. Cheating spouse who lied from day one and that broke me, took away my last fertile years with his lies so just one child when I’d have liked more; it’s a complicate one.

but the worst, because it still ripples now was a culmination of things leading to the realisation my mother resented my existence and clearly treated me very different to my siblings and I guess the start of it all was her lying about who my father was and eventually telling me around 9 like it was nothing. Then the abuse from my step father ramped up, maybe ot just started. Who knows. she just made me move house and school over and over not caring much for my well-being. She tried to move me again right before I was about to take my exam meaning I’d not be able to take them as different exam board. I refused and lied about my age to rent a room.

low and then No contact ever since. It’s damaged me.

Still dealing with it I guess. I trust easily but don’t trust.

My brothers death. Won't go into the terrible detail of it but it has fundamentally changed me. Still adapting to it 2.5 years on.
My Mums dementia though is like a thousand paper cuts. I lost my dad quite suddenly when I was younger. This is worse for me.

Losing my father to vascular dementia - not so much his death but the manner of it. Over the space of a year watching my clever , funny lovely dad disappearing before my eyes , and the fear in his when in increasingly rare moments of lucidity he realised what was happening to him. Definitely one of the cruellest deaths

So very sorry! Cannot imagine 💔💔

I was not going to post, but here I am
Working through Covid19 pandemic. Being scared for myself. Scared for patients and the overfuckingwhelming stress of having to do it all again, every single day

I also went through a nasty divorce, but the most awful thing that happened to me was losing my daughter age 26 due to a botched minor medical procedure. She was such a lovely, kind, pretty hardworking girl and I miss her every day

It also lets us know that we are not alone in our trauma.

Sending love to everyone who has shared on here.

A head injury, post concussion syndrome for a year, losing my ability to read and write,,having so many physical symptoms of post concussion syndrome that I literally couldn't think and lost my ability to see in my mind's eye permanently... then, after going to hell and back with that, I then had a huge breakdown after not sleeping for a week.

I was then polydrugged for help with the post concussion syndrome symptoms, before an off label antipsychotic prescribed for the severe anxiety and insomnia injured me permanently with a medication induced neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that is a bit like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined 😢

Then, living with the most bizarre and horrifying movement disorder symptoms where I literally lost control of my body movements. One minute, I'd be lip smacking, the next I was making kissing noises with my mouth, or my toes and fingers would wiggle, my abdominal muscles contracted so I bent forward at the waist, my eyes rolled upwards and would lock in that position, my hands would turn inwards at the wrists, my tongue would writhe around in mh mouth on its own... the list went on. All because of a drug meant to help me cause chaos in my brain and buggered up my dopamine function.

Oh, and living with this crap for years so it waxed and waned, getting worse with the strangest and most innocuous substances like antifungal cream, or soy sauce, or flea treatment, or artificial sweeteners, or calcium vitamin pills... and any medication i thought I might need to take, I'd be overly worried and cautious in case it set off symptoms.

I could say so much more about so many other horrendous symptoms of a similar movement disorder called akathisia which coincides with the one I have, but I'm sure it's not that interesting 🤔

Some days I absolutely hate my body and what it has put me through and will continue to do forever. There's no cure unfortunately, and no doubt my hormones during menopause might have an effect too. I have had many moments over the past decade when I've truly wanted to not be here. There by the grace of God go all of us 😢😞