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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Found out at 12 week scan we lost our baby

103 replies

Verytiredmumofone · 02/02/2025 15:24

I'm looking for some support and advice from any other mums (or dads) that have been through something similar.

We had our 12 week scan Friday and were utterly shocked and devastated to find out that our baby had stopped growing at just 6-7 weeks. My body continued to grow the placenta and still thought it was pregnant, hence the strong pregnancy symptoms (nausea, no bleeding, sore boobs little bump etc.) Now I have to go back to hospital Tuesday for surgery to remove it all under general anesthetic. It's the second miscarriage we have had after having our daughter 2 years ago.

How on earth do you get over something like this and when will I stop feeling so upset and hopeless?
I always assumed that if something was wrong, I would have bled.

Has anyone experienced this?

OP posts:

MyDeftDuck · 02/02/2025 16:56

I was so sorry to read his OP and I couldn't just scroll by and not send you comforting thoughts and hope, in the fullness of time, you don't feel so lost and helpless.

IsThisHowYouChillax · 02/02/2025 17:00

I am soooo sorry for your loss. I had something very similar happen in September 2023. I never thought it would happen to me, was my first pregnancy and it was a shock.

I don’t know how I moved on, I guess I never really did but eventually you learn to live with that feeling of what if. I now have a happy healthy 4 month old and just looking to the future for me through it all at the time.

my other half was everything. Could not have done a day without him being there. Sending all the best and so much love to you.

TopshopCropTop · 02/02/2025 17:01

Hi OP

Unfortunately I have been in your position many times. All of your emotions are completely valid. Please give yourself the time and space you need to process.

There are some amazing miscarriage support charities out there so please do reach out to them.

You will move forward and you will be happy again but you will never forget. Sending you so much love.

Backhometothenorth · 02/02/2025 17:02

So sorry for your sad loss - it's such a terribly cruel and bleak experience I know. I experienced two such losses between the births of my two daughters. It changes you and takes a lot of time to start to come to terms with the sadness and shock, but there is hope. Look after yourself and do speak to loved ones about how you feel as it is something that has not been talked about openly for far too long

Hols2024 · 02/02/2025 17:02

I had a missed miscarriage at 11 wks as went for a scan at 10 weeks privately. Luckily it resolved without surgery although that was horrendous in a different way!

I found the grief really hard to process so make sure you have supportive people. My husband totally didn’t get it as he didn’t have all the symptoms etc. I had to talk to him and he read the pamphlets they gave me at the follow up scan to confirm no surgery needed.

I very luckily got pregnant again 2 months later and found out the first day of lockdown in 2020! Sobbed through all my scans on my own but luckily by the time she was born we were allowed bubbles so my eldest could be babysat and my husband could be with me for the birth.

I wish you good luck with your rainbow and make sure you take care of yourself!

commonsense61 · 02/02/2025 17:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Iamnotalemming · 02/02/2025 17:07

I lost a baby at 11 weeks and another at 12 weeks. The first time it passed naturally and the second I had the surgery. The surgery I have to say was far less traumatic.

In between the two I had my darling DC who I love beyond words. You are not alone and this is not the end of your journey as a Mum. Sending you strength and courage.

I bought a necklace for the first one that I wore for a long time. For the second we planted a tree. I found both comforting.

PicaK · 02/02/2025 17:13

It feels unbelievably hard and raw and like a load you cannot cope with. The weight never goes - you just get used to carrying it. That sounds bleak but it's the explanation someone gave me at the time and I've found it to be very true.
Put the date in your diary and never feel ashamed to remember or to grieve if you want to 💐

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 02/02/2025 17:14

You must be devastated. Sorry to hear this x

ShodAndShadySenators · 02/02/2025 17:15

I'm sorry for your loss, it is very hard. I also had a missed miscarriage detected at the 12 week scan, but unlike you I was aware that something was different and I just didn't feel pregnant any more. So perhaps it was less of a shock for me as I didn't feel it could be going well.

Like a PP I had another pregnancy shortly after that, so I console myself that if I hadn't miscarried then I wouldn't have the child I do now. It's so, so common - not a club you'd want to belong to but you're in good company.

A GA has the benefit that you won't be aware of what's happening. I had medical management so was very much aware of the process. At least you'll be spared that, it wasn't easy. Take care of yourself

Maybemumma · 02/02/2025 17:18

So sorry you’re going through this. I also had a missed miscarriage after years of IVF. It was utterly horrific and something completely beyond any reasoning.

I now have a beautiful baby girl but the trauma has never really gone away but you do learn to live round it.

My only advice is to talk about it to those you trust. I felt pressured into saying nothing to make sure no one felt uncomfortable but talking helped me process it all. And be gentle with yourself, it’s tough. X

Busybeemumm · 02/02/2025 17:19

OP I'm so sorry I had exactly this at 12 week scan. I went in looking forward to the scan and came out in utter disbelief. My LO was also 2 years old. Be kind to yourself xx

Myonlysunshine123 · 02/02/2025 17:20

This happened to me, he/she had stopped growing at 8 weeks, but I hadn't "felt " pregnant for a few weeks. I had tablets to pass, but I don't know the medical term . Absolutely heart breaking and I so feel for you. I had a daughter after with no problems, in fact I think it was 1 month after we got pregnant. Support each other and tell who you need to xxxx

NetZeroZealot · 02/02/2025 17:22

OP, I am sorry to hear this.

The same thing happened to me about 27 years ago. I still remember the feelings of shock, immense sadness and disbelief.

But it gets better over time and you will both come through it.

That was my first pregnancy and I am now a proud mother of 2 charming adult sons (26 and 23).

GreenCrocodile · 02/02/2025 17:23

Sorry for your loss op, had this happen too, decided to wait for ti to happen naturally at home tho as was scared of the op ans the potential for ashermans complications, as that happened to a friend of mine, so I'm glad I considered all the options

Crikeyalmighty · 02/02/2025 17:28

I had this happen 27 years ago - I went to the scan on my own too as I told my H to hold off till 20 weeks- I was straight from scan up to a ward to prepare for D&c and had to call H in bits and get him to phone work too as I was due back in

It's awful OP - my heart goes out to you -I was a mess for at least 2 weeks - I was pregnant 3 months later and kept insisting on being seen every week to check things-luckily all was fine

SnakebitesandSambucas · 02/02/2025 17:28

I have had over 11 losses over the years. I got to be honest I will never get over all my babies lost. And that's ok to feel like that. It's ok to feel the hurt, anger, guilt and rage. The ugly feelings towards others. The feeling of being damaged and unworthy in yourself. The sheer emptiness in your stomach. The only time I felt " healed" was when I had my 2 loving children. In between the losses. I am now 23 weeks with a miracle suprise and still I feel the guilt and panic over loving this baby. But never forgetting my other ones. It's ok to not be ok. And if you want Google, " pregnancy after loss Mumsnet" it will come up with an amazing thread. But also don't suffer in silence get some counselling. I always opted for a D&C at my later ones as I needed to have it controlled as much as possible. Hugs x

Oceancreature · 02/02/2025 17:33

I'm so very sorry OP. I have gone through a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and also had a surgical removal under GA. The surgical removal bit was straightforward. But mentally it was the most emotionally painful experience of my life. Time was a great healer, I never 'got over' what happened but I found some acceptance and peace with it eventually. I found taking things one day at a time, getting through the surgery, resting, and having some quiet time alone to have a good cry all helped. I hope you can find some things that can bring you comfort.

Wonderi · 02/02/2025 17:41

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

I have no words of advice as there’s not much anyone can say to make you feel better.

Make sure you look after yourself and it’s ok to grieve, even if you never met.

If you need time off work, then get a doctors note and sign off sick.

I assume you hadn’t told work yet but if you had then maybe tell your boss to let everyone know, so you don’t get any questions about the pregnancy.

Hwi · 02/02/2025 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Drfosters · 02/02/2025 17:45

Almost the exact same thing happened to me. I kinda knew something was wrong. It was devastating all the same. I had to wait a few days for the D&c and then cried for about a week solid. I also had to pretend at work all was ok as I couldn’t exactly tell them what had happened

I had been TTC for about 2 years so just felt like my world had ended.

I was pregnant again a month later to a child who is now almost fully grown up. (I know I was supposed to wait a month but I didn’t want to)

Only thing I can say is allow yourself time to grieve, look at the positive your body can get pregnant and then try again when you are ready

SnowFrogJelly · 02/02/2025 17:47

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 02/02/2025 17:48

Hi @Verytiredmumofone I had four MCs after having an easy first PG and baby. Each one was horrid and devastating and frustrating as no one seemed to be able to fix me.

Finally a Dr put me on a thyroid medicine and I kept the youngest son.

I'm so sorry for your losses and I hope you have some good luck soon. 💐

FcukTheDay · 02/02/2025 17:50

I had four miscarriages before I had my first child. Two missed miscarriages. I now have 4 children. I am so sorry for the pain you're feeling right now and the only thing that will make it go away is time. There is always hope for future pregnancies. Keep talking, don't bottle things up and look after yourself.

Anon1119 · 02/02/2025 17:57

Just to say I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It's a really awful experience and will be a tough few weeks. I also had a missed miscarriage and found out at my 12 week scan. I didn't have surgery but had the tablets to take home to bring on the miscarriage. It's an awful time and you just need to allow yourself to grieve x

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