Found out at 12 week scan we lost our baby

[Verytiredmumofone]

I'm looking for some support and advice from any other mums (or dads) that have been through something similar.

We had our 12 week scan Friday and were utterly shocked and devastated to find out that our baby had stopped growing at just 6-7 weeks. My body continued to grow the placenta and still thought it was pregnant, hence the strong pregnancy symptoms (nausea, no bleeding, sore boobs little bump etc.) Now I have to go back to hospital Tuesday for surgery to remove it all under general anesthetic. It's the second miscarriage we have had after having our daughter 2 years ago.

How on earth do you get over something like this and when will I stop feeling so upset and hopeless?
I always assumed that if something was wrong, I would have bled.

Has anyone experienced this?

Xx

Just know that everyone is feeling for you and wishing you all the best. It's so very sad.
Even grumpy old men look downhearted at the mention of miscarriages, everyone is rooting for you xxx

I’m so sorry OP. I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks just before my scan, I know it was before the 12 week scan but I really thought I’d made it.. I still grieve over it but I did have a successful pregnancy afterwards and have a little boy now. Wishing you all the very best and be kind to yourself during this time. Xx

Hi OP,

I’ve had miscarriages and also a missed miscarriage, also found at my 12 week scan and needed the surgery. I was actually ok, but I think I was used to having miscarriages by that point and I had a doctor tell me that if I was getting pregnant the likelihood was that I would eventually get my baby, which kept me going. I was also told at my D&C that I was likely to get pregnant in my first three cycles (and they were asking if I wanted contraception). I didn’t really believe them. The surgery was absolutely fine and I didn’t have to endure the physical process of miscarriage, which to me was worse than the surgery. I got pregnant the next month and now have a toddler :) , and im now expecting twins too. I would’ve never thought I would have any kids based on how things were looking, but things change and I now don’t look back on that time and feel terrible, I’m just grateful to be where I am now and to be able to truly understand how lucky I’ve been.

Please try to keep going. Miscarriage is common, but most women do go on to have healthy babies eventually. Don't give up.

@Verytiredmumofone my sympathies. I have several losses including one at 17 weeks, a couple at 7 and some earlier. I can say with hand on heart that the MMC at 12 weeks, discovered at the 12 week scan was the most difficult. I felt that my body had cheated me and that was the hardest to come to terms with.

However, it was decades ago now and I got my daughter eventually. It still resonates.

Go well.

I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️

I forgot to say, the D & C was fine. I can’t remember now if I was on a maternity ward as it was a bit of a blur, you might need to prepare yourself for that.

I’m so sorry, OP, I know how devastating it is. My dd had an ‘ordinary’ miscarriage, followed by a ‘missed’ , both before she had her first baby, but went on to have 2 more babies, with no more losses.
🤞and 🙏 for you for next time.

So sorry your going through this my first pregnancy resulted in a miss miscarriage in 2020. It was awful. My body just didn’t want to let go and in the end I had to have surgery give yourself Grace and give yourself time. It’s so hard to heal from.
There is a group called the worst girl gang who have a podcast and a great Instagram page that really helped me when I was going through this loss

be kind to yourself and if you need anything, there’s so many people to reach out to who have been through this

This has happened to me twice. It is hard, you grieve, but you try again. My way of dealing with it was to try again as soon as possible. Luckily we were 3rd time lucky, but it doesn't stop the pain from tge previous pregnancy. The only saving grace for me was that we hadn't told anyone....waiting for the 12 week scan so we didn't have to do much explaining.

I am so so sorry you’re going through this. 🙁
I had exactly the same happen to me in 2010. It would have been my first child with my now DH and I was having strong symptoms ( they were actually stronger than either my 2 healthy boys), couldn’t drink tea, couldn’t stand strong smells, felt nauseous, had tender breasts which were growing fast and a little bump. Went to our 12 week scan and was devastated to hear the baby had stopped growing at around 7 weeks.
It is a really painful thing to go through and it took me a long time to get over it.

My thoughts are with you at this tough time. If ever you want to send me a personal message, I would be very happy to chat with you and offer you support because I know just how you are feeling. X

Yes, this happened to me. I'd never heard of such a thing, I also assumed a miscarriage would be obvious. It's happened to at least two of my friends too, sadly.

It took me quite a while to get pregnant again afterwards. I wouldn't say I healed emotionally until then tbh.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh, OP, you poor love. I'm so very sorry. 💐

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It happened to us too. I’d had one previous miscarriage and then I had a bit of spotting at 9 weeks with my second one, we went for an early scan and everything was fine. Then we went for our dating scan at 12 weeks and our baby had died, this was 17 years ago and I still remember how horrible it was. It was 21st December and we were excited about getting some scan photos, instead I was booked in on Christmas Eve for a D&C and ended up having to stay in overnight and have IV antibiotics as I had a high temperature and they didn’t know why.

The physical recovery was quite quick and no where near as painful as the previous miscarriage. Mentally it took a long time to come to terms with, please be gentle on yourself and remember it’s not your fault and it’s normal to feel so sad and upset. It does get easier over time, trite as it sounds.

We went on to have a further 4 miscarriages all before 12 weeks. I remember when I found out I was pregnant for the 7th time just sitting and crying on the toilet for an hour thinking it was all just going to end badly again in the next few weeks. I would obsessively check for any blood, and didn’t really start to relax until my 20 week scan.

Our DD turns 13 this year, she really is our miracle baby, especially as when she was one 1 I started an early menopause at 40.

After she was born i would often dream that she wasn’t real and I’d imagined i was a Mum. Then would wake up and she was real.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is an awful thing and devastating. You are not alone and whilst that doesnt lessen your pain it does mean there is so much information and support out there. Please take it easy, rest and grieve. Let yourself be held those around you.

It does get easier. The sadness is deep but it will lessen with time, whilst your love for them will remain. I do believe in god and truly believe that the little ones that are taken too soon are out there, keeping an eye on us and our family.

Also please know, that if you ever choose to try again, one loss doesnt mean youll have another.

The shock and sudden change from mama-to-be to no longer pregnant did mess with my head and i realised I needed a physical reminder of my little anger so i did have a few things made off etsy. Including a little stone heart that I carry in my handbag.

To answer what you asked -not exactly the same as I had multiple losses and was under the EPU. Weekly scans, all normal. Went in for a loss-related test and it was 19 hours after my weekly scan appt. Next people hadnt turned up and we had time in our appt as everything was sorted quickly (i had the test every pregnancy so didnt need the long chats about what it is and how it works). She asked if i wanted a peek at baby again quickly as he had been SO wriggly the day before (she had scanned me then too). Some point within the last 19 hours he had stopped moving and there was no heart beat. I wont bore you with the details but I had a removal under general a few days later and that too was a surprise.

It's heartbreaking, but very common sadly. As someone who has lost a baby at 6 weeks and at almost 20 weeks, I understand just how hard it is to ever believe you'll be able to function normally, never mind be happy, again. You will, but it will take time and the road to recovery can be very bumpy indeed. It's a cliche, but at this stage it's one day at a time (even one hour at a time).

I’m really sorry for your loss

You will feel better OP, I can’t say with certainty that you will ‘get over it’ as it’s been 18 months since I lost our ‘last throw of the dice’ baby and I still get strong pangs of loss but I know there won’t be any more for us and I you will hopefully go on to have other healthy babies which will help you move on.

They are very, very common but that doesn’t make them easy for anyone. The Worst Girl Gang in the world book and podcast really helped me during the worst of it.

Yes, this happened to me. DH was working away and I had to drive myself home from the hospital, on my own, crying all the way.

Whatever happens afterwards, you will get over it in time, but this is absolutely the lowest point and the only thing in your immediate future is the next procedure. It is a devastating loss and have to let yourself grieve and get over it naturally, both the sadness and to recover your hormonal balance.

I'm so sorry for your loss, as you see you are not the first lady this has happened to,there are many of us out here who understand.

I am so very, very sorry 😞
I lost a baby at 11 weeks. I understand how empty, devastated and heartbroken (and all the other mixture of emotions) you must feel. All those visions and hopes for the future having come crashing down in an instant.
I lost mine 7 years ago. I don’t think you ever really get over it, you just get better at living with it.
One thing you have to do is take care of yourself. Be selfish. I don’t just mean health wise but only do what makes you feel safe and comfortable where possible.
I was in a daze for weeks. Of course there were pregnant people everywhere, baby clothes in all the shops and even a family pregnancy announcement. In reality, they are always there but you will be hyper aware and it will kick you in the guts.
I found sanctuary in talking to people because as you are probably finding out on this thread, you don’t have to go far to find someone who knows how you are feeling. The Tommy’s helpline helped me too.
Try to take some comfort in that all your baby ever knew for its entire life was your love.
Take your time and be kind to yourself xxxx

I’m so sorry for your loss and can only repeat what others have said. It is devastating and will take a long time to get over. Mine was in 2007, a long time ago now but it remains the biggest trauma of my life. Allow yourself to grieve and give your body some time to recover before you try again. We planted a magnolia tree in our garden on the due date - I wanted something positive to come out of my sadness. Every spring it’s larger and more beautiful and makes me smile. I had a successful pregnancy the following year and know that if I hadn’t had that loss, my son wouldn’t be here. I hope you will have the same success but in the short term, be kind to yourself.

Hi @Verytiredmumofone

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have experienced a missed miscarriage twice in 2011 and 2012. Both times measured 10 weeks and both times I still felt lousy at my scan!

MMC 1 was a real shock, and sadly we had 7 year old DS with us which was hard. I chose to have a D&C with this miscarriage.

Second one was only 4 months later, and I just had this sense that it wasn't going to a full term pregnancy, so we told no one - apart from a friend who had had a mc themselves and would look after 3 yo DS2 for us whilst we went for the scan. This MMC I chose to have the pessary, and in hindsight I wish I hadn't.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the losses, whilst we had two lovely boys, I felt a bit cheated which was a horrible feeling. DH and I spoke about trying again in 2013, but DH in particular felt he couldn't watch it happen to me again, and as by this point DS1 was nearly 10, we gave up on the idea.

I still have the odd tinge of sadness.

Take care of yourself xx

So sorry for your loss. As others have said, you will get over it eventually and the pain you are feeling now will ease.

One evening I was out with a group of friends at a school mums drinks evening. Someone mentioned the number of miscarriages she had had trying for her youngest and everyone else started sharing their stories. Out of at least 12 or so mums, every one of us had suffered a miscarriage at some point. Until that evening I had never quite realised how common they are.

Not much consolation right now I know, but know that you are not alone 💐

Dear OP, I am very sorry. This is a big shock and very upsetting. The same thing happened to me 20 years and I still remember the raw sadness. I had the D&C and felt slightly brighter afterwards.
As others have said, give yourself space & time to grieve. You have every chance of a healthy baby in due course. X

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had the same experience at my 12 week scan with my first pregnancy and had to have a D&C under general anaesthetic.

It was a long time ago (and I had two now adult children in the intervening years), but other than the raw grief and feeling that my body had somehow let me down the thing I remember clearly were three women I thought I knew very well telling me afterwards that it had happened to them in previous pregnancies.

I think it's just not really talked about, which makes you feel even more alone if it happens to you, but you're not alone OP. ❤