DH won’t except possible ASD

[LeavingUp]

Almost 4yo DS is, I believe to be as does the SENCO at his nursery, autistic. He only has a handful of words, limited understanding and numerous sensory issues. He has just received an EHCP for when he starts reception in September and has just been put on the MAAT pathway.

He refuses to agree that DS has autism and any time nursery (or anyone else) bring up anything to do with SEN he gets angry.

It is causing a few issues between us, he refuses to speak about anything. We went for a day out at the safari last week and were watching a sea lion show. DS wasn’t happy about having to sit there and watch something. Instead he started to get annoyed and tried to run off. I could see DH getting stressed so I picked DS up to take him out of the room. DH started saying “why is he the only child in here who’s not interested, it’s a joke” This is where problems start because he just gets stressed rather than accepting that things are different for us.

AIBU to be starting to become annoyed with DH. Feeling like I an going to be alone in this

Well he sounds utterly thick if nothing else

He has just received an EHCP
this is not achieved lightly especially when so young. Presumably extensive professional views over the years and yet he thinks he knows better than them all?

this issue aside… what’s he like?

The example you give is very very normal behaviour for a 4 year old
sounds like your husband struggles with parenting full stop.

This is where problems start because he just gets stressed rather than accepting that things are different for us.

but the example you give could be a completely NT young child op

I'd be prepared for the relationship ending. If he can't accept his child's disability he isn't going to be able to parent him effectively and could cause some emotional damage to the child and a lot of stress within the family and with professionals. Do you have a date for a formal assessment? Maybe he will start to accept it when/if it's confirmed.

Is your husband ASD himself?

“Its a joke” is such a childish, hostile thing for him to say. What an ass. Its all sbout him, isn’t it? If your DS isn’t conforming to spec does he think he can return him and get a better child?

I think he probably knows deep down but it can take some parents time to process and accept it.

I was particularly upset one day when a speech therapy report came through in the post about my child and had a bit of a rant to the nursery teacher about how it was all wrong (to be fair there were certain things that the speech therapist had said he couldn't do when I knew he could, but the report very much painted him as an autistic child and that was the thing that I found upsetting.) Skip to a few years later and I'm actually chasing up referrals for him because he's just been on a waiting list for diagnosis and it's literally taking years. I'm now the one jumping up and down trying to get him help in a complete turnaround. So your husband might just need some time.x

Parenting a child with additional needs is notoriously difficult to navigate. Sadly it can be make or break for a relationship.
After our youngest was diagnosed my husband ended up running the ASD parent support group which we ran jointly for ten years.
Also let to a change of career direction for both of us. He moved into the charity sector and I got a job in Special Ed from Mainstream teaching.
Dads in particular can find the whole SEN , diagnosis route hard and struggle to shift expectations. Talking to other Dads can help. Attending a parent/ family support group can be beneficial.
Following diagnosis you may be offered a Post Diagnostic meeting or parent programme e.g.Early Bird/ Early Bird Plus. I would strongly recommend this. Good luck.

Your partner can’t seem to handle a very normal run of the mill NT child behaviour

Probably DH is autistic as well.

Is it possible your DH is frightened, anxious, etc…. about what is going on, possibly not got enough information onboard yet to fully understand what is happening with his child? Something like this must be a huge life changing challenge for you all, and people deal with things in different ways. If possible, it’s going to be better if you can face it as a team, even if it takes time for him to process.

I think people deal with life-changing diagnoses in a huge number of different ways, and while I understand why his behaviour is frustrating (and not ideal), I do think it's within the realms of normal.

I also wonder whether some of DS's behaviour hits close to him - is he potentially autistic as well? It's very common for autistic parents to only receive a diagnosis when their children get one.

To get an EHCP before the child has even started school is unusual in my experience- at least for ASD/suspected ASD. What’s your husband like as a father in general? How was he with parenting before your son’s issues became more obvious?

Husband needs to accept his child for who he is because the alternative will hurt everyone. I also think you need to consider your future as a family if he won’t.

He needs to go to therapy

My Ex H was in denial for a number of years.

It's a very common response.

Baser on absolutely nothing 🙄

Quite I waa myself when my son waa being diagnosed ,he has very complex needs and its very difficult to take in and accept at first.

Given there is an EHCP so early on, there is clearly a need. Your DH sounds awful! How dare he not accept a medical diagnosis and subsequent support? Who does that?!

Or in Denial ?
It certainly took me sometime to accept my sons very complex disabilities.

Is DH autistic too do you think? My niece has autism and her father my BIL has a huge number of neurodiversity traits and is hugely impatient with her additional needs, ruthlessly demanding that she buckle down and conform to neurotypical expectations (which is how he was brought up) and considers all the signs that are obvious indicators of autism to be "perfectly normal" on the grounds that he did the same at her age.

Denial, and grief, and anger are all common emotions when you begin to realise that your child is different. And it's a rare parent who doesn't at least occasionally wish it were otherwise, or that their child could do what other children do (or gets frustrated because a planned "treat" turns out to be anything but).

If you are early on in this journey you may need to give him a little time. But yes, eventually, he will need to accept the child he's got and focus on what is.

I'm not being dramatic when I say I'd be leaving him until he gets his fucking shit together

It's one thing struggling to accept your baby is autistic and another to be shaming them for things they can't control

Yanbu x

Actually, a surprisingly large number of parents go into denial when they're given life-changing diagnoses for their child. It's very normal.

He's just learnt that his sons' life is never going to be the way he imagined - he will likely always need some kind of support and care. That's not an easy thing to accept or come to terms with. It certainly doesn't make him awful.

Where has he shamed anyone?

My (now ex) husband was similar. He wouldn't accept that our child wasn't just being naughty. Several years and four neurodevelopmental diagnoses later he still blames me and instead.

All I can suggest is trying to get him involved with appointments, assessments,.parenting groups, training etc.

I highly suspect my ex is also autistic and this affects his tolerance but also he doesn't see a lot of the traits because he has them too.