DH won’t except possible ASD

[LeavingUp]

Almost 4yo DS is, I believe to be as does the SENCO at his nursery, autistic. He only has a handful of words, limited understanding and numerous sensory issues. He has just received an EHCP for when he starts reception in September and has just been put on the MAAT pathway.

He refuses to agree that DS has autism and any time nursery (or anyone else) bring up anything to do with SEN he gets angry.

It is causing a few issues between us, he refuses to speak about anything. We went for a day out at the safari last week and were watching a sea lion show. DS wasn’t happy about having to sit there and watch something. Instead he started to get annoyed and tried to run off. I could see DH getting stressed so I picked DS up to take him out of the room. DH started saying “why is he the only child in here who’s not interested, it’s a joke” This is where problems start because he just gets stressed rather than accepting that things are different for us.

AIBU to be starting to become annoyed with DH. Feeling like I an going to be alone in this

@Errors 🤦🏼‍♀️ I see it now.

I'm on quite a few SEN forums and sadly it is extremely common for dads (ND or otherwise) to deny the diagnosis, disbelieve professional reports, refuse to do or even read any of the paperwork and then bugger off.

I'm not sure why, but I guess some kind of interaction between misogyny, male privilege, wounded masculinity, embarrassment and laziness.

I mean every day on here you hear of dads dodging their fair share of household/family tasks and dealing with SEN at the EHCP level is a huge task.

It's like a wound to the ego. A reflection of their impaired masculinity in their mind perhaps. I don't quite understand it tbh. There's a point where it benefits everyone to face reality.

The psychiatrist assessing my son said very kindly and diplomatically that the reluctance of father's to even consider it is incredibly commonplace.

But, as you say, that is rare. 80% of autism is from genetically inherited conditions.

@Phineyj I don't want to criticise my ex too much as he is a good father who cares for our son and works hard to support the family. But there is this huge inability to understand how much work goes into all this behind the scenes and that if the mums weren't doing it there would be even worse consequences. The school stuff, the EHCP battle,it's endless.

DH started saying “why is he the only child in here who’s not interested, it’s a joke”

You can always tell him to go ask for the manager, that your child being SEN is absolutely ridiculous and not something he will put up with 🙄 somebody should be fired for this...

or he can put on his big boy pants and accept that the child is as is, and he either starts to become the parent that the child and you need and be supportive or piss off, because you can't deal with a manbaby as well as a child

Or none if those things
Just a parent struggling to accept their child will be disabled
I certainly did the first couple of years were awful and I felt very alone.

Oh for god sake 🙄

Actually it says its inherited from gene changes the parent may have passed on the gene change but not be autistic themselves
My Sons rare chromosome disorder is a deletion of genes whilst it's not inherited
In him it is many children ,but how it impacts a person varies massively
And potentially the parent could have few if any issues and the child could have significant issues.

Yes you can have non inherited genetic based autism. But the vast majority is directly inherited.

See this UCLA info for example https://medschool.ucla.edu/news-article/is-autism-genetic#:~:text=A%20majority%20(around%2080%25),to%20vaccines%20or%20postnatal%20toxins.

A majority (around 80%) of autism cases can be linked to inherited genetic mutations. The remaining cases likely stem from non-inherited mutations.

Being charitable - it is a hard thing to accept and the moments when you are out and your child is so different to the majority are terribly upsetting.

However he needs to get with it quickly because he is making it about him and is also failing to help his ds and crucially you. If you have to cope with both your husband's childish moaning and your own feelings and your ds issues and needs then that will be a heavy burden. I would start seeking support from other parents in a similar situation too.

Some parents, usually, but not always, fathers, find it hard to accept that their child is not perfect in every way - even when the diagnosis will help the child progress and succeed.

I read somewhere that fathers are usually around year behind mothers in their willingness to consider and accept the need for assessment and/or the possibility of a diagnosis. I had to go as far as getting an autism screening done via a charity before DH would seriously consider I might be right that DC1 was autistic.

Now we have a diagnosis and he is fully on board, but it has taken time. We have both had different journeys to get to this point and there has been a lot of upset around acknowledging that we can’t always do the same things and/or in the same way as other families. That can be hard and I do think some fathers can take it particularly hard about sons.

It is also fairly obvious to me that there is inherited neurodiversity on both sides of DC’s family tree. He refuses to accept this is a possibility in relation to his side. Just saying.

@x2boys I felt that too but it didn't stop me speaking to the school, seeking therapies, filling in EHCP paperwork. That's what I meant.

That still doesn't mean the parent passing on the genetic mutation is autistic themselves though
As i said an earlier post genetic mutation, s can affect people differently even when passed on to a child
The parent may have few if any issues and the child may have significant issues.

Emily Perl Kingsley has a poem that might help both of you, 2 of my DC have been diagnosed ASD.

Welcome To Holland
By Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

If your child already has an EHCP in place, he has a high level of needs regardless of a diagnosis and the reluctance of DH to accept this as a fact is deeply concerning longer term. I'd ask him in no uncertain words to pull himself together now as you and your children will need him to support you, not to walk on eggshells around him.

How does he deal with disagreements, conflicts, differences of opinions?

Has he been involved in the meetings and assessments that led to the diagnosis? Has he been offered a course for parents of children with autism?

I think this is where fathers' issues with acceptance often stem. It's usually the mother who's available for the appointments and gets to talk with the professionals. The fathers often getting their information second hand.

I think it's really important that fathers are involved all along the line, and if they can't be, that they're given the opportunity to attend parent courses to get that information and be able to ask questions.

This child has not been diagnosed but has EHCP in place which means concerns are long term, from home as well as education/care setting, and that both parents were invited to share their views. Unless DH works away most of the time or takes no interest in his children,there were opportunities to be more involved. My concern is that unless DH wants to find out more, there is little OP can do.

I know it’s frustrating but it’s quite a normal response. My son was diagnosed at 3 years old. It was very clear from around 14/15 months though . He is an adult now in his late 20’s and autism wasn’t really heard of, the internet was very new and hard to find information so it was a huge shock when he got the diagnosis. I wouldn’t say we didn’t accept it because I’d raised concerns with the HV very early but it was still very difficult to accept. Give him some time.

I think you are entirely missing the point!

No one is saying the Dad is definitively autistic. But it would be ridiculous to ignore the significantly increased likelihood that this could be the case. The Dad is clearly struggling and where there is one statistically likely reason this could be the case it is a sensible one to suggest to op to consider. It's about working out why a parent might be struggling and offering support in the way they need - that might be information, support groups, or even just time to themselves to process what's happening.

Of course being ND can be a positive thing as a parent too. My hyperfocus has been exceptionally useful in finding out info and pushing for services.

www.bbbautism.com/beginners_beirut.htm

Always found this version of the "Holland" poem more useful personally.

If dads would like to be more involved with the paperwork, meetings with school, research, trying to get their job done around those things...I don't think anyone is actually stopping them are they?

If you want to be involved: be involved.