DH won’t except possible ASD

[LeavingUp]

Almost 4yo DS is, I believe to be as does the SENCO at his nursery, autistic. He only has a handful of words, limited understanding and numerous sensory issues. He has just received an EHCP for when he starts reception in September and has just been put on the MAAT pathway.

He refuses to agree that DS has autism and any time nursery (or anyone else) bring up anything to do with SEN he gets angry.

It is causing a few issues between us, he refuses to speak about anything. We went for a day out at the safari last week and were watching a sea lion show. DS wasn’t happy about having to sit there and watch something. Instead he started to get annoyed and tried to run off. I could see DH getting stressed so I picked DS up to take him out of the room. DH started saying “why is he the only child in here who’s not interested, it’s a joke” This is where problems start because he just gets stressed rather than accepting that things are different for us.

AIBU to be starting to become annoyed with DH. Feeling like I an going to be alone in this

The husband is an arsehole. Why do people equate that always as someone being possibly on the spectrum. These two things have nothing to do with each other. Apart from that's nobody 'is ASD'. Just as nobody 'is diabetes'. Occasionally, someone however 'is utterly ignorant' HTH..
Please go and educate yourself?

There is a very high chance either her husband or the OP are autistic if the son is. Husband may well also be a dick.

But OP can’t go into denial, can she? Someone has to step up and do the hard yards. Why is the child’s father allowed this luxury? What an odd way to see things. You wouldn’t deny another diagnosis, pretend DC didn’t have a broken leg or tonsillitis. What is the difference?

We obviously don't know that but I think we can agree that @aei22
is utterly clueless. What a stupid post! What is the MN trend to use autism as an insult for every husband who behaves like a total dick?

Stats are something like 9/10 couples split after their dc is diagnosed with a disability.
If dh doesn’t usually see him in group settings it’s easy to be in denial. Lots of parents are.
Would he go to a parent support group?
Why does he think he has an EHCP.

DH started saying “why is he the only child in here who’s not interested, it’s a joke”

It's stressful but expressing it in blaming ds isn't helpful to anyone

I can see if he has the same traits and was never diagnosed he probably would see his DC as just the same as himself.

I'm autistic myself so maybe my view is odd.

But really, it's very normal for parents to go into denial - and yes, that sometimes means both of them. It's not a "luxury" - it's a very normal reaction that's well documented.

I also think that there's a massive difference between a non-visible but life-changing diagnosis like autism and a broken leg or tonsillitis

On the given information I'd say he's actually a twat.

I didn't see that as blaming DS, more just expressing frustration at the situation?

Of course she can. Or maybe she has or maybe she will next year, or in 10 years time. And finding it difficult to accept a diagnosis of a life long disability in your child is very different than accepting a diagnosis of a broken leg or tonsillitis. In fact that's such a daft comparison it makes me think you're not best placed to offer advice.

This is surprisingly common, especially with relatively "mild" autism. Parents don't see behaviour as an issue because it's just how they behaved as a child.

Autism is highly genetic so it is very likely that one or other of his parents are autistic.

I think hes frustrated and expressing it in the form of shaming him for not being able to participate

A completely normal situation of a NT child that age

and yet the father had a tizzy

doesn’t bode well

Its not always the case and the DH presents as an arsehole. Even if he had ASD, how would that be relevant? So much stupidity on MN at times.

Incredibly common experience. I had to go it alone and push for a private assessment and even access money from a relative ( and myself) to pay because ex would not support any assessment

Even now it's something difficult to talk about. And I then realised not long ago that he is also ND and so many things started to make sense.

There is a genetic component to autism but most parents of autistic children are not autistic themselves, though they may have parents or siblings that are.

Has your husband sat down and actually read any of the professionals reports that informed the EHCP? Have you ever asked him outright what his actual problem is?

It's not stupid at all. It's highly genetic. I had no clue my ex was ND. Now I see it and it's clear to me. It makes alot of sense as another parent also might not see any difference and protest it because they're the same. ( Usually the men who do this).

I find it interesting that some of the traits my ex husband and child have in common (e.g. black and white thinking, meltdowns, moods swings) he finds intolerable and sees as bad behaviour. Others (e.g. obsessive interests, struggling with social skills) he doesn't notice or doesn't seem as unusual.

I once heard a father of a child about that age being investigated for ASD say “they think my son is a s**cker”

(Rhymes with clacker)

I was absolutely disgusted

My husband struggled to adjust too and was in denial. He did agree to do the cygnet course and it really helped him.

Has DS been referred for formal diagnosis? I would suggest that DH comes along to the appointment and fully immerses himself in the process. Post diagnosis there are meetings held for parents of newly diagnosed.

It is concerning that you are hyper aware of DHs stress and trying to minimise that rather than focusing on your child's needs and choosing activities that he can cope with and may find pleasurable. Expectations need to be adjusted and measures put in place to make sure the outing is suitable and as stress free as possible. Who chose the activity?

Initial denial and anger is indeed normal at the start - I can remember taking DS back to school after a hospital appointment where a doctor had bluntly said that DS was autistic - he was just one of the quiet ones - mums were the most important resource and I shouldn't let him use it as an excuse when he was older. I was in shock and reeling. I bumped into a school mum I barely knew and ranted that DS 'wasn't fucking autistic'. He was. And I had to adjust to the new reality and a different way of parenting.

This was made harder by DH. You mention sensory issues. These are made worse by anxiety and stress but DH would become angry and loud and escalate stress and anxiety. You must feel like piggy in the middle - the only way you can calm DS is to recognise his needs and address them directly.

Ultimately DH is an adult and needs to learn to control his behaviour in the best interests of your child. It's the least he can do.

DH needs to get on board quickly and stop making your and your DSs experience worse than it needs to be. You will need all your energy to deal with the struggles ahead, hopefully with a partner to share the work not one that adds to it.

I don't know of a single parent that hasn't been frustrated or embarrassed by their child's behaviour at some point or other.