DH won’t except possible ASD

[LeavingUp]

Almost 4yo DS is, I believe to be as does the SENCO at his nursery, autistic. He only has a handful of words, limited understanding and numerous sensory issues. He has just received an EHCP for when he starts reception in September and has just been put on the MAAT pathway.

He refuses to agree that DS has autism and any time nursery (or anyone else) bring up anything to do with SEN he gets angry.

It is causing a few issues between us, he refuses to speak about anything. We went for a day out at the safari last week and were watching a sea lion show. DS wasn’t happy about having to sit there and watch something. Instead he started to get annoyed and tried to run off. I could see DH getting stressed so I picked DS up to take him out of the room. DH started saying “why is he the only child in here who’s not interested, it’s a joke” This is where problems start because he just gets stressed rather than accepting that things are different for us.

AIBU to be starting to become annoyed with DH. Feeling like I an going to be alone in this

It's the same in our family. My dad and I have a lot of similar traits and some we really clash over, whereas some we bond over.

I think it's mostly a case of being "too similar".

There's a great deal of stigma. I believe it would have been worse years ago of course. But I even understand why some less informed and more ignorant people would think that way. The language is horrible but many blokes think it in a more " socially acceptable ' way than saying it like that.

I believe attitudes are changing.

Twin studies and family studies, have estimated the heritability of autism to be around 80 to 90%.

I'm amazed anyone would think it's not relevant.

Unless he made the comment directly to the 4yo, I don't see it as shaming.

Ask your school if they can refer you to a autism specific parent course. I attended one and it was very good.

I'm not surprised the stigma still exists, I've seen some horrendous comments on here directed towards people with autism.

The stats on this are highly likely to be incorrect though, as autism and other neurodevelopmental conditions weren't diagnosed in the past apart from the most severe cases.

It's very common now for children to be diagnosed leading to parents realising they are also undiagnosed ND. Unfortunately there aren't adult NHS pathways in many areas. I have one diagnosed, one pending diagnosed child, and several of my cousins children are also being assessed. I can see all the traits in various older family members, none of whom have ever been assessed. This affects the stats on how many children also have autistic parents.

i don't understand how this is relevant (ASD). He is an utter arse. what does this have to do with a possible autism?

@LeavingUp I pushed for a private assessment because the NHS refused. It was a lady running the practice. I think that's very important. She had great people skills. At the end of it all she had a zoom call with my son's father and explained everything in detail to make him understand.

The report also was very clear.

There's just no denying it at this stage is there. One might struggle with the reality of the situation ( we still get this) but the denial, blame and complete refusal to accept the possibility is no more.

The specific behaviour relating to denial, blame and refusal to accept the possibility their child is Autistic is what we're focusing on.

This behaviour is familiar to many of us when dealing with the fathers - who often turned out to be Autistic based on the numerous people I have spoke to - and in my own case.

It is not saying arsehole = Autistic. Maybe it's more that one doesn't see the difference because the child is the same. That probably plays a huge part.

Fathers who are not Autistic I imagine can also struggle with the reality for various reasons.

Not necessarily and it's unhelpfully to suggest he is based on nothing
My son has a rare chromosome disorder which is thought to be the be the underlying cause of his complex needs and autism so whilst it's genetic it hasent been inherited from either me or his dad.

Not everyone agrees that he's an "utter arse" - that's just your opinion.

He's an utter moron.

Thec languages is indeed disgusting but autism is a massive spectrum and whe you have a child severely impacted by their autism it can be a lonely and scary place
For some people it's a very severe disability.

Could you get him some books on autism so he understands it better? There’s a books called Uniquely Human which one of my family members (who is probably autistic himself) has found helpful. He didn’t “believe” in autism before reading this, but does now. He read this after a child in our family received a diagnosis.

Give him time. Some parents need more time than others to realise its not just delays.
It will become strikingly obvious in a way DH can't deny when he's around 7 compared to peers, for now maybe he needs a bit more time to accept it.

Hi everyone. Thanks for the comments so far.

I noticed things around 18 months. I spent a while in denial. Drove myself mad if I’m honest then as time went on I think I eventually accepted it.

We also have an 8yo which I think is why I noticed differences even more.

It is incredibly difficult to accept, and if he is in denial then he would have my sympathy as I know how hard it is (I still have days where I have a wobble) but if I’m honest I do think he’s not dealing with it in the correct way. Times like these are when I need him the most

I'm convinced that this attitude is the reason why there are so many undiagnosed adults around.

@LeavingUp I think it's pretty normal. I had to process my own feelings and I realised someone had to take charge because I knew my ex wouldn't. I therefore pushed despite resistance that end.

And now we have endless challenges every day in a mainstream secondary school and detentions nonstop for so much behaviour attributed to Autism and ADHD. And I now continue to be the one fighting it saying no hang on a minute, here are the diagnosis reports, so can you help. And it does help. It still isn't great but there's a bit of help and some leeway. Not enough. But you'll need this diagnosed.

Even with this I still have a dad who struggles to understand that the kid really can't help so much of the behaviour. But we're living in reality now at least.

Attempts at blame, gaslighting and denial are futile and that goes for the institutions who will also do it; schools mainly.

Agreed.

I would use his refusal to engage with the needs of a child who has an EHCP as a reason to restrict access too.

Fair enough

I do, my own dd with asd has her struggles so I know it's hard to accept but I'd also be annoyed by the man acting like this

I'm autistic, as are my DC, but okay.

The father appears to be struggling with a diagnosis, which lots of parents struggle with
Rather ten reducing access,,( which. Isn't going to help the child ,l)
I encourage him to come too meetings,things like early bird etc.

Do you mean slacker?

Why have you asterisked that out?

No, I do not mean slacker