Paying ski lessons

[Malshimummy48]

So my ex has not managed to book any leave to have our DD 13 for Feb half term. ( agreement is he has half term/ split holidays / some weekends ) . I am working all through half term he contacted me to say that his sister has invited DD to join them on their skiing holiday. Her dad won't go but is paying for holiday.

Ex is now asking me to organise & pay for ski lesson at indoor slope an hour from where we live and to sort out pay for all the clothes & gear. I currently pay £200 a month for horse riding. Just had to pay for roof repairs, poorly dog at vet so bills for that so money tight this month. Skiing is not a holiday I will take her on so it's purely for this break he has organised. I try & take dd on holidays whenever I can & have saved for them . Drive a crap car for this reason use that money for holidays. My ex has only ever taken her away once in 8 years so this is only second time he's had to pay for a holiday for her.

I am single mum work full time for NHS in a band 5 role so not exactly rolling in it ! He pays decent maintenance ( agreed through CSA ) but I pay for all petrol out of that for the drive to meet him half way each time she goes there. ( he lives Essex I moved to Midlands & couldn't afford to stay south when we split as he stayed in the house....we weren't married ) He doesn't pay for any extras so maintenance covers everything.
For context he earns £105 k and is married no other kids so 2 salaries coming in.

AiBU to expect him to pay for gear & lessons ? I am thinking asking that we split the cost but he seems adamant that as he paid for the ski holiday I should pay for the gear & pay & take her for lesson at indoor slopes.

No, he’s funding the holiday so he should pay for it all.

He’s sprung this on you - he pays.

Just say no.

I would just tell him no. If he wants her to go on this holiday then be organises and pays for everything to do with it.

I'm not sure here as I might think about the bigger picture.
Ski-ing holidays are expensive and fab.
The lesson isn't really necessary (she can do that there and one hour isn't going to make much difference) but the clothes are. But you can get them cheap, I'm sure vinted would have them.
So - you know your ex better than we do - if you say no, might he renege on the whole thing and your dd has lost a wonderful opportunity for the sake of £100.

It's not £100 though is it?

If her DD is going to learn to ski, she'll need to go regularly if she's to be any good. Maybe not every year, but most years. How much extra will the OP be expected to chip in?

If it's important to her dad for her to be able to ski, he can pay for it.

If it's important to her but not to her parents, she can pay for it when she's an adult.

Absolutely not. His holiday so he pays. And she could go into total beginner lessons when she gets there so there’s absolutely no need for the indoor slope. Just make sure they are actually planning on booking her skiing lessons in resort, otherwise it’ll be really dangerous.

Oh I can see that is a difficult expense to meet but I can also see from his point of view. That you share DD and costs for her, he is paying CS.

It sucks he is dictating not discussing but I suspect trying to work out lots of things when you are separated is difficult.

So starting with DD - does she want to go? And if she does how do you want to help her go?

For a one-off ski trip you/ she can probably borrow all the kit. Ask around.

It is useful to have got basics under your belt before you go - can you do arrangements and get her there if he pays.

You suggested splitting costs maybe do that - or are their Grandparents who might pay or give her a lesson as early birthday present?

He’s using the holiday to cover his obligations to have her at half term so I think he’s unreasonable to ask you to pay for lessons and kit but it’s reasonable given the time frame that you organise it as she lives with you.
See what she can borrow or use Vinted.
dont go overboard you either love or hate skiing so she may never want to go again!

a couple of lessons will make the start of the holiday easier for her as just being familiar with getting the fit right for boots (without a mad rush in the hire shop with a huge queue behind you) handling skis, and getting herself up from the ground is a good start

Is your daughter looking forward to the holiday?

Why cant he pay for those things? He being a CF.

I’d offer a split- you will get clothing, but if he wants her to have lessons before she goes he pays. (Check she’s getting lessons there!) you expect all equipment hire on holiday to be part of the holiday cost and he covers it.

check if helmet is included in clothing or equipment (are they hiring helmets or taking their own)

clothing wise, mountain warehouse have good deals on at the moment and you can get ski pants and jacket for kids for around £60-70 all in. You will need base layers, mid layers, gloves, ski socks, a warm hat, goggles and possibly helmet.

base layers if you have any sports tops already (running /gym tops ) those are fine, ideally long sleeve. Leggings as well but gym ones not cotton. (These at least can be used for sports through the year). Mid layers are like a fleece top, so you already have one? Not everyone uses mid layers but best to have them for the first days.

also worth putting a shout out amongst friends, we have our grown ski stuff from a school ski trip dc1 went on I’d happily hand over to someone’s child going for a week on the understanding I got it back if dc2 goes on the same trip with school.

What an awesome opportunity for your daughter. He obviously should be paying for everything but it is a great chance.

putting his level of control aside if you can vinted is def your friend. I kitted out my 2 for £60 total this year and you could just say they didn’t have availability for any lessons on days she could do at this late notice.

if you want to try to take a bit of control back you could discuss him paying half for clothing and saying you spent £300 ish of clothes and he needs to pay £150. (Go to Dacathalon, buy all the gear, photo the receipts and send to him, return clothes) buy on vinted 🤪 your daughter might need to be on board on this tho which isn’t great.

I can see why you're no longer with him. Absolute cheeky fuckery.

It's surely too late notice to get into ski lessons now anyway? I would tell him he needs to book lessons out there, but buy the kit. Look at Tk Max, they often have cheap skiwear. Choose decent base layers and fleeces she can use for other sports, and a ski jacket that will still fit her next winter and will work as a normal winter coat too.

YANBU. Its been a long time since I went skiing but cant you get lessons at the mountain by an instructor? He should be sourcing all the kit, maybe his sister has some knocking around?

I would have concerns about this trip, your DD might find this hard if your ex's family are all confident / proficient skiiers and are all off on the difficult runs while she is still on the learners slope without any adult supervision.

Surely your response is
“I would love to, but
i hadn’t planned it,
so I haven’t budgeted and
I can’t afford it”

end of discussion

A really important question is whether the holiday includes a week of ski school? Or is your dd expected to be free skiing wherever the family goes from day 1?

if the latter then it is dangerous. If this is her first time then she needs a week of ski school.

Cheeky fucker. But that said, it'll be a great experience for her, so I'd suck it up to a certain extent.

Ideally she'd have a lesson before she goes, so she knows how to put ski boots on, how to put skis on and how to do the basics of standing up and stopping, but it's not essential. She absolutely does need ski lessons when she's out there though, so check he has factored this onto the cost of the holiday and is paying for them.
If he's paying the £350ish for ski lessons while she's out there, plus her lift pass (probably another £250) then I would probably grit my teeth and pay for a two-hour beginner class at the indoor slope before she goes; not to help him out but just so she's more comfortable. The likes of Chill Factore always have voucher codes doing the rounds so you can usually get 20% off the advertised price.

As for the kit; I'd see if you can borrow salopettes, but the rest (base layers, base leggings, fleece, ski jacket, thick socks, gloves) she will get a lot of wear out of as basic winter clothes so it's not necessarily wasted money. My kids wear their ski jackets as normal autumn/winter coats and I buy them big enough to get at least two years out of them. Don't worry too much about getting specialist ski leggings or ski base layers either. Ordinary running/hiking ones are fine. I use my running leggings as a base layer under salopettes (shorter length ones are better as you don't want anything other than ski socks under ski boots).
Decathlon stuff is good quality and cheap; though many friends swear by getting all their ski stuff on Vinted.
The one thing you won't get much wear out of other than while she's away is a ski mask, so see if you can borrow one - or else again, Decathlon ones are good.

Once she's out there she'll need to hire her skis, boots and helmet. You're probably looking at £150 ish for a basic pack for the week (that's what we paid last time through Intersport). Her dad can pay for that, I would suggest, if you're sorting all the other kit... she couldn't exactly ski without getting skis when she's there, so he'll have to!

I agree with many on here that said it's ok as long as he's paying for ski school there etc she doesn't need lessons here necessarily. One would be great, they get used to how to put the boots on and some other basic stuff but actually not totally necessary.

Otherwise you tell him you hadn't budgeted for the gear so he pays. I guess he's trying to shirk taking her out and getting the gear.

Yea the important thing here is, is his sister expecting dd to be able to ski, or has he booked ski lessons on the slopes? Even if she has some lessons before she goes, she will need on the slope lessons. It’s completely unfair on dd and your ex SIL to have a child who can’t ski expected to keep up (and therefore taught) by SIL.

You need to check she's definitely booked into beginner lessons on the holiday.

It would surprise me if any spaces left in group lessons at this late notice. But it would be very dangerous for her to go with no experience and just try tagging along with her aunt & cousins.

No need for indoor lesson here, they're rubbish anyway. Clothes can come from Vinted but yes her dad should pay. I suspect it's the hassle he is trying to avoid not the cost so maybe just ask him for the cash and then you sort it out to make sure she gets something she likes.

Also I would speak to the sister directly about her plans. Skiing is amazing but can be dangerous and you need to be sure she'll be cared for.

Sister may put your mind at rest that she's ordered the hire skis & helmet etc and booked her into level 1 lessons.

OR it might reveal your ex is taking the piss out of her as well and actually this whole thing is a terrible idea.

Sister may put your mind at rest that she's ordered the hire skis & helmet etc and booked her into level 1 lessons

This is a good point. I would speak to SIL direct.
If she's a relatively experienced skier (which I've inferred she is from your OP, as surely she wouldn't be inviting her niece along if it was her first time and she wasn't confident herself) then she will absolutely know that your DD needs lessons, will need to hire kit, and will need some stuff (eg a mask) sorting in advance.
You may be lucky and find the cousins already have extras they're planning on lending her.

Am I reading this right? Your daughter doesn't get very much time with her dad as it is, but he is planning a half term holiday for her without him being there? Unless she's absolutely always dreamed of a skiing trip and this is her only chance, I think that's mean of him and would tell him so.

Who is booking and paying for ski school when she's out there?
She can't go out there with a family who already ski and spend the days with them, unless one of the adults is very competent, very sensible, and willing to give up their holiday to teach her the fundamentals on the baby slopes.
Is DD's dad expecting that a few lessons on an indoor slope in the UK will be enough for her to ski with her aunt's family ? That's not very realistic.