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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying ski lessons

101 replies

Malshimummy48 · 01/02/2025 07:12

So my ex has not managed to book any leave to have our DD 13 for Feb half term. ( agreement is he has half term/ split holidays / some weekends ) . I am working all through half term he contacted me to say that his sister has invited DD to join them on their skiing holiday. Her dad won't go but is paying for holiday.

Ex is now asking me to organise & pay for ski lesson at indoor slope an hour from where we live and to sort out pay for all the clothes & gear. I currently pay £200 a month for horse riding. Just had to pay for roof repairs, poorly dog at vet so bills for that so money tight this month. Skiing is not a holiday I will take her on so it's purely for this break he has organised. I try & take dd on holidays whenever I can & have saved for them . Drive a crap car for this reason use that money for holidays. My ex has only ever taken her away once in 8 years so this is only second time he's had to pay for a holiday for her.

I am single mum work full time for NHS in a band 5 role so not exactly rolling in it ! He pays decent maintenance ( agreed through CSA ) but I pay for all petrol out of that for the drive to meet him half way each time she goes there. ( he lives Essex I moved to Midlands & couldn't afford to stay south when we split as he stayed in the house....we weren't married ) He doesn't pay for any extras so maintenance covers everything.
For context he earns £105 k and is married no other kids so 2 salaries coming in.

AiBU to expect him to pay for gear & lessons ? I am thinking asking that we split the cost but he seems adamant that as he paid for the ski holiday I should pay for the gear & pay & take her for lesson at indoor slopes.

OP posts:

Poppins21 · 02/02/2025 11:02

OhamIreally · 02/02/2025 10:51

I would leave it entirely up to him. You are raising your child and carry all the mental load. You clearly care about your child and pay for riding lessons and holidays.

Are you asking your ex to buy horse riding gear or take her to swimming lessons so that she's equipped to go on the holidays you have arranged and booked?

He is palming all the tasks that fall to him on to you and his sister.

All the people here talking about boots and Vinted are missing the point. Just tell him it's his time and you're sure he'll get it sorted. Say it on repeat.

Not sure they are missing the point - I think we get it. But I would imagine OP doesn’t want her daughter to miss out as her ex can’t be arsed? So just trying to find practical solutions.

OhamIreally · 02/02/2025 11:21

@Poppins21 but this is exactly the hook he is dangling and the one most mothers get caught on.

He's already paid for the holiday, he sorts it out. He is used to OP being the one to do it all, and she does it because she loves her DD, not to help him.

The dad has no kids to look after on a day to day basis, has a wife to share the load with, there's no reason he can't sort this out for his daughter.

OP I have a similarly piss-taking ex right down to the seeking variations etc. (he was the one that moved away, asked me to share the driving during Covid then got a variation to pay less maintenance to cover his travel expenses).

I would drop the rope.

Poppins21 · 03/02/2025 06:37

OhamIreally · 02/02/2025 11:21

@Poppins21 but this is exactly the hook he is dangling and the one most mothers get caught on.

He's already paid for the holiday, he sorts it out. He is used to OP being the one to do it all, and she does it because she loves her DD, not to help him.

The dad has no kids to look after on a day to day basis, has a wife to share the load with, there's no reason he can't sort this out for his daughter.

I would drop the rope.

Yes I agree with what you are saying but I wouldn’t drop the rope as my daughter and her opportunities aren’t a bargaining chip for me even if they are for my ex.

But my situation is different but I can’t see me changing this stance if I got a divorce. I do my best for my daughter and I know my husband does too.

Original poster

Malshimummy48 · 03/02/2025 08:35

OhamIreally · 02/02/2025 11:21

@Poppins21 but this is exactly the hook he is dangling and the one most mothers get caught on.

He's already paid for the holiday, he sorts it out. He is used to OP being the one to do it all, and she does it because she loves her DD, not to help him.

The dad has no kids to look after on a day to day basis, has a wife to share the load with, there's no reason he can't sort this out for his daughter.

I would drop the rope.

Honestly the applying for the variation to reduce payments really does take the piss....For him to move away & then apply for reduction in maintenance for his fuel ! 🙄 Hope it was rejected...

My ex 100% should be paying for the indoor lesson as it's his holiday but as you say he knows what I'll do for DD & using this. I have caved & booked paid £100 for lesson as DD so excited to go & have just reframed it as a great activity for a Saturday afternoon plus she won't go riding that day so saved that money.

He certainly isn't going to change. His reply was " I'm not asking you to pay half the holiday am I?" Very decent of him 🤔

OP posts:

Original poster

Malshimummy48 · 03/02/2025 08:45

OhamIreally · 02/02/2025 10:51

I would leave it entirely up to him. You are raising your child and carry all the mental load. You clearly care about your child and pay for riding lessons and holidays.

Are you asking your ex to buy horse riding gear or take her to swimming lessons so that she's equipped to go on the holidays you have arranged and booked?

He is palming all the tasks that fall to him on to you and his sister.

All the people here talking about boots and Vinted are missing the point. Just tell him it's his time and you're sure he'll get it sorted. Say it on repeat.

Totally agree with you. That's exactly what I said it's like me asking him to pay for horse riding lessons for a holiday I've planned. Holidays I organise & all that go with them I pay for. Should be same for him. I've decided to pay for the lesson purely for DD benefit. I've asked him again to cover cost as I've spent & £80 so far on ski clothes & gear off vinted. Unbelievably he has asked if I can get waterproof walking boots too & then the helmet on top.

He has got me over a barrell though as I just want DD to have everything she needs for holiday in time.

OP posts:

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 03/02/2025 08:56

I think the helmet is needed (googles too), so you need to make sure she has one.

But I would insist on knowing she’s got lessons booked on the slopes or you won’t let her go. She can’t just try to keep up with her aunt and cousin, that’s dangerous.

honeylulu · 03/02/2025 09:00

He certainly isn't going to change. His reply was " I'm not asking you to pay half the holiday am I?" Very decent of him 🤔

Bloody hell, have you pointed out that you don't ask him to contribute to the cost of holidays you take her on? Though knowing this type he will claim that your holidays are paid for from his maintenance so he is contributing. Grrr, these types make my blood boil.

As you say, he's got you over a barrel because if you don't get the kit and arrange the practice sessions them she won't be able to go, or won't have what she needs to ski (or ski properly/safely) and he'll blame you for ruining a holiday she's excited about.

I bet you are so glad to be rid of him!

Nina1013 · 03/02/2025 09:03

You don’t need lessons in advance - ski school caters to complete beginners.

It is a fantastic opportunity for her, so I would buy the clothes from Vinted. Helmet will be included with ski hire for a child (double check but I’ve never been anywhere that it wasn’t) so all you need are:
Socks x 2/3
ski trousers and jacket (1 pair of each).
Goggles

Base layers aren’t necessary, you get hot skiing. She can ski in normal t-shirts.

I’d also just say that you can’t afford the lessons but have spoken to various ski schools and all have confirmed that this is not going to impact her ability to join the group lessons and enjoy the holiday.

Even if you did ski lessons here before HT, she wouldn’t be anywhere near the standard of skiing independently so all you’d be doing is adding unnecessary additional cost to the holiday. Ski school is needed regardless, lessons in advance really are not.

Pootlemcsmootle · 03/02/2025 09:06

You don't have to justify it. You don't need to pay anything.

It's his holiday, his choice, so he pays for the gear she needs. Besides he can hire her stuff when they're there and she can get her first lessons on the slope.

In the words of the Grange Hill cast just say no!

Original poster

Malshimummy48 · 03/02/2025 09:09

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 03/02/2025 08:56

I think the helmet is needed (googles too), so you need to make sure she has one.

But I would insist on knowing she’s got lessons booked on the slopes or you won’t let her go. She can’t just try to keep up with her aunt and cousin, that’s dangerous.

Yes I've insisted he pays for lessons on slopes too which he's agreed to. Got his sisters number to call today to check they booked.

Just waiting for the next thing to be him asking me to sort her travel insurance. 🙄

OP posts:

minipie · 03/02/2025 09:10

crumpet · 01/02/2025 10:03

A really important question is whether the holiday includes a week of ski school? Or is your dd expected to be free skiing wherever the family goes from day 1?

if the latter then it is dangerous. If this is her first time then she needs a week of ski school.

This.

I reckon all UK ski lessons will be booked solid at this point

I also worry that all ski lessons in ski resorts at half term will be full. Unless SIL has a private instructor for her kids and she can join the group.

Ask him what the plan is for lessons while she is there. This is a safety concern.

Original poster

Malshimummy48 · 03/02/2025 09:10

Malshimummy48 · 03/02/2025 09:09

Yes I've insisted he pays for lessons on slopes too which he's agreed to. Got his sisters number to call today to check they booked.

Just waiting for the next thing to be him asking me to sort her travel insurance. 🙄

Show quote history

Yes just trying to find a helmet & goggles now.

OP posts:

minipie · 03/02/2025 09:11

Sorry cross posted about the lessons in resort.

it’s not going to be easy to find spaces so do keep on his back.

Nina1013 · 03/02/2025 09:13

Malshimummy48 · 03/02/2025 09:10

Yes just trying to find a helmet & goggles now.

Show quote history

Generally helmets for children are included with the ski hire. Check this before buying.

CortieTat · 03/02/2025 09:17

Have not RTFT but I can ski since I was three and snowboard since I was 30 and I voted YANBU because indoor slope is a waste of money. I send my children to ski school every year because I want to get rid of them and snowboard in peace with DH because I believe skiing is fantastic and a necessary life skill, but I would never ever pay for anything at an indoor slope. Wrong snow and many other reasons.

Original poster

Malshimummy48 · 03/02/2025 09:18

Nina1013 · 03/02/2025 09:13

Generally helmets for children are included with the ski hire. Check this before buying.

Show quote history

Ah okay that's helpful I'll check.

OP posts:

Havanananana · 03/02/2025 14:24

Ski helmets are 100% included in the ski rental package for children.

Original poster

Malshimummy48 · 03/02/2025 16:19

Havanananana · 03/02/2025 14:24

Ski helmets are 100% included in the ski rental package for children.

Great that's really helpful to know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Malshimummy48 · 03/02/2025 19:17

FeelinTwentySixPointTwo · 01/02/2025 10:15

Cheeky fucker. But that said, it'll be a great experience for her, so I'd suck it up to a certain extent.

Ideally she'd have a lesson before she goes, so she knows how to put ski boots on, how to put skis on and how to do the basics of standing up and stopping, but it's not essential. She absolutely does need ski lessons when she's out there though, so check he has factored this onto the cost of the holiday and is paying for them.
If he's paying the £350ish for ski lessons while she's out there, plus her lift pass (probably another £250) then I would probably grit my teeth and pay for a two-hour beginner class at the indoor slope before she goes; not to help him out but just so she's more comfortable. The likes of Chill Factore always have voucher codes doing the rounds so you can usually get 20% off the advertised price.

As for the kit; I'd see if you can borrow salopettes, but the rest (base layers, base leggings, fleece, ski jacket, thick socks, gloves) she will get a lot of wear out of as basic winter clothes so it's not necessarily wasted money. My kids wear their ski jackets as normal autumn/winter coats and I buy them big enough to get at least two years out of them. Don't worry too much about getting specialist ski leggings or ski base layers either. Ordinary running/hiking ones are fine. I use my running leggings as a base layer under salopettes (shorter length ones are better as you don't want anything other than ski socks under ski boots).
Decathlon stuff is good quality and cheap; though many friends swear by getting all their ski stuff on Vinted.
The one thing you won't get much wear out of other than while she's away is a ski mask, so see if you can borrow one - or else again, Decathlon ones are good.

Once she's out there she'll need to hire her skis, boots and helmet. You're probably looking at £150 ish for a basic pack for the week (that's what we paid last time through Intersport). Her dad can pay for that, I would suggest, if you're sorting all the other kit... she couldn't exactly ski without getting skis when she's there, so he'll have to!

Really helpful thanks. I'm paying lesson now on indoor slope just to make DD feel more comfortable once she out there. I realise it won't help loads with teaching her too much but get her in swing of being on skis snow ploughing etc. I've just given up with him & paid 3 hour lesson & bought gear off Vinted. He has said he'll pay for lessons over there. He just annoyed it costing so much but if he'd sorted leave to have her then this would have never even come up !

OP posts:

Temporaryname158 · 03/02/2025 19:20

What a joke. Don’t pay a penny and don’t get in a back and forth. I don’t imagine he provides half the spends for your holiday does he? No I didn’t think so.

its all on him and make that crystal clear

Bournetilly · 03/02/2025 19:24

I had 2 lessons at an indoor ski slope when I was a teenager then went on holiday for a week with people who had been skiing for years. I didn’t have any further lessons whilst there and by the end of the week could keep up.

She doesn’t need lessons whilst there, although it would benefit her. But she can still go, they will just have to slow down/ wait for her towards the start of the week.

I think it’s a great opportunity for her if it’s not something she would usually do.

I don’t think you should have to pay for the lessons/ ski gear though, your ex has booked the holiday so it’s up to him. Going halves is more than fair considering he should have been having her that week anyway.

FoodieToo · 03/02/2025 19:28

We ski every year . The cost of gear does not need to be huge ! My kids use their regular winter coat, base layers etc .
So all you need really are salopettes, gloves , goggles and some ski socks . But my gang often just use their own sports socks.
Your daughter definitely needs the lessons in the resort .
I hope it all works out and she enjoys it!

FoodieToo · 03/02/2025 19:40

Havanananana · 03/02/2025 14:24

Ski helmets are 100% included in the ski rental package for children.

Usually only if under 12 !

LIZS · 03/02/2025 19:45

We hired them a few years ago as an adult's’ package - skis, boots, poles, helmet.

Havanananana · 03/02/2025 20:08

It would be useful to know where the OP's daughter is going.

In Austria helmets are compulsory for children under 17 and as such are always available as part of the rental package.

As for not requiring lessons in the resort, I strongly disagree. One indoor lesson is in no way sufficient for a beginner, and skiing outdoors on a mountain is completely different to the indoor environment and in my opinion is too dangerous. Pistes at half-term are crowded so beginners usually learn in separate "safe" areas, and expecting a child to keep up with others who can already ski is putting additional, unneccessary pressure on her.

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