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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell her the truth?

89 replies

Noliestold · 01/02/2025 05:21

I had a casual fling with a man for 2 years. We had a great time but for certain reasons, it was never serious.

Now he’s met the love of his life. Our paths cross a lot and she’s wonderful. I’m (genuinely) thrilled for him. I also have a lovely partner too and the four of us have been at the same gatherings a few times.

She’s just sent me a message saying that she had a feeling we’d had history, but he’d denied it, and to please tell her the truth. I had no idea he hadn’t told her previously. My partner knows everything about my dating history so I assumed it was the same for everyone.

I have no idea what to do. None. I really really like this lady. More than I like him, honestly. My instinct is towards female solidarity but I imagine that’ll cause mayhem between them.

Any advice would be so appreciated. My current idea is to leave the country and change my name.

OP posts:
username299 · 01/02/2025 05:23

I think fleeing the country and going incognito is an overreaction.

labamba007 · 01/02/2025 05:24

Personally I would tell her to speak to her partner. It is utterly bizarre behaviour to message someone asking if they have a history with your current partner.

Rachmorr57 · 01/02/2025 05:24

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Agix · 01/02/2025 05:25

Tell her that you had a fling. It isn't that deep...

StaxAttacks · 01/02/2025 05:25

Two thoughts

  1. Sorry X, my sex life is out of bounds, I hope you don’t mind if I just say “beeswax”.
  2. a message to both of them saying: sorry guys but please do not drag me into this.
Original poster
Noliestold · 01/02/2025 05:27

username299 · 01/02/2025 05:23

I think fleeing the country and going incognito is an overreaction.

damn. I was just about to fill out the deed poll forms.

OP posts:
GildedRage · 01/02/2025 05:31

Definitely message both. I’d play it way down, many years ago we…had friends in common, had coffee at the same shop, attended park run on thursdays…
something normal and trivial.

discoversmatch · 01/02/2025 05:54

Can you just say that you went out a few times but it didn't work out!

Pippa12 · 01/02/2025 06:02

I’d go with message them both- light and friendly but please don’t drag me into this style. Absolutely nuts to message you. Do you think she was drunk? I wonder why he’s denying it tho- big red flags!

bifurCAT · 01/02/2025 06:06

Sexual history is a big thing for guys, but it seems unanimously that women on MN think they shouldn't have to divulge who they've slept with.

I think you should give him the same courtesy. His past is his past, and she has no right to know any of your history.

username299 · 01/02/2025 06:07

bifurCAT · 01/02/2025 06:06

Sexual history is a big thing for guys, but it seems unanimously that women on MN think they shouldn't have to divulge who they've slept with.

I think you should give him the same courtesy. His past is his past, and she has no right to know any of your history.

Why is sexual history a big thing for (some) men?

meh2025 · 01/02/2025 06:12

Maybe message him first and tell him you are going to tell her because you cannot be a liar, and give him a chance to tell her himself - but only if your husband is on board with this because starting secretive messages to your ex is a mistake.

dramaaaalamaaaa · 01/02/2025 06:15

Actually had a similar one, though she’s never outright asked. A mutual friend told me to never bring up our past and honestly if he didn’t tell her, it’s ancient history with no feelings and there’s no risk of recurrence with me, so I don’t feel bad. I’d rather keep her than him, she’s a true delight. My DH knows so it’s a bit one sided, but it’s between them what they share.

edited to add maybe she’s picking up on weird vibes between you, otherwise I’m not sure how she’d know? Outside of a mutual friend informing her.

DH has a friend I really like and they have a past, but he never hid it and again, no weirdness or vibes so I trust this. The hiding would be a red flag if I were her. Not fun to be in the middle of though. If you like her, text him and tell him to own up and put the past where it belongs, bc you want her as a friend.

Onlyvisiting · 01/02/2025 06:20

GildedRage · 01/02/2025 05:31

Definitely message both. I’d play it way down, many years ago we…had friends in common, had coffee at the same shop, attended park run on thursdays…
something normal and trivial.

So- lie??
Why in earth would you do that? Make it clear it was a casual relationship and you are/were not emotionally involved then sure, or decline to comment as inappropriate and refer her back to her OH for answers, or my preferred option of let him know that you aren't willing to lie so he should tell her himself as you will be answering any questions honestly. But don't lie about it. It wasn't an affair, it's not a shameful secret- or it wasn't until he made it one!

Trickabrick · 01/02/2025 06:20

If it happened over the course of 2 years, I’d tell her without second thought. Surely if you lie then you risk someone else dropping you in it further down the lie, and she’ll then wonder why you didn’t tell the truth?

meh2025 · 01/02/2025 06:23

meh2025 · 01/02/2025 06:12

Maybe message him first and tell him you are going to tell her because you cannot be a liar, and give him a chance to tell her himself - but only if your husband is on board with this because starting secretive messages to your ex is a mistake.

And you have absoluely no reason at all to make yourself a liar for his sake. If something comes about because of his lie, that's on him, not you. Best if you could just completely ignore her and not respond at all, but if that might cause issues I would discuss with your husband, message the ex and tell him what she has asked, ask the ex to tell her and say that if she asks you face to face you won't be able to lie about it.

I wonder why on earth he lied. Big mistake.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 01/02/2025 06:39

Tell her and go for a rewrite of what you've already said.

I was shocked when you messaged. I'll preface this by saying I really like and respect you and i absolutely do not want to cause you any hurt or create any discord between you,
We do have some history (we were on and off for 2 years) although it was never serious. Certainly there is nothing romantic between us now as I'm very happy.with X and as far as i can l see you are the love of his life.

I really hope you can talk this through with him and this doesn’t affect our relationship, you are a wonderful person and while I'm really not sure why he lied, if i had to speculate it was perhaps a fear of losing you?

I'd tell your partner so hes aware and sent idiot ex a courtesy text. "Y messaged me and asked about our past. I have replied honestly and factually."

WHAT was he thinking? Why lie??? 🙈🙈🙈

HelmholtzWatson · 01/02/2025 06:49

So you're "(genuinely) thrilled for him" and " really really like this lady", but nonetheless are considering doing something that you know will hurt both of them?

People lie about trivial things including sexual encounters all the time. Just deny it and forget about it.

SallyWD · 01/02/2025 06:54

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Same. It's not great that he lied bit maybe she's a very jealous person.

ZekeZeke · 01/02/2025 06:55

Your sexual history is none of her business but him lying about it is making it a bigger deal. There are obviously issues in their relationship. Not your problem.
Send him a copy of the message and tell him to deal with it as you don't want to be involved.

Whenim63 · 01/02/2025 07:08

Awkward situation for you op. I’d go with @LivingLaVidaBabyShower response.

Weyohweyoh · 01/02/2025 07:10

Tell her sorry you’re not getting involved in their relationship issues. Then ignore any further questions. If she persists, tell her partner to grow up and tell her the truth.

mnreader · 01/02/2025 07:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

meh2025 · 01/02/2025 07:13

HelmholtzWatson · 01/02/2025 06:49

So you're "(genuinely) thrilled for him" and " really really like this lady", but nonetheless are considering doing something that you know will hurt both of them?

People lie about trivial things including sexual encounters all the time. Just deny it and forget about it.

If the OP is ok with lying, that's her choice. But if she chooses to tell the truth, it's his lie that will have caused the hurt.

meh2025 · 01/02/2025 07:15

ZekeZeke · 01/02/2025 06:55

Your sexual history is none of her business but him lying about it is making it a bigger deal. There are obviously issues in their relationship. Not your problem.
Send him a copy of the message and tell him to deal with it as you don't want to be involved.

Edited

This. And I would add do not respond, at all to her message.