To tell her the truth?

[Noliestold]

I had a casual fling with a man for 2 years. We had a great time but for certain reasons, it was never serious.

Now he’s met the love of his life. Our paths cross a lot and she’s wonderful. I’m (genuinely) thrilled for him. I also have a lovely partner too and the four of us have been at the same gatherings a few times.

She’s just sent me a message saying that she had a feeling we’d had history, but he’d denied it, and to please tell her the truth. I had no idea he hadn’t told her previously. My partner knows everything about my dating history so I assumed it was the same for everyone.

I have no idea what to do. None. I really really like this lady. More than I like him, honestly. My instinct is towards female solidarity but I imagine that’ll cause mayhem between them.

Any advice would be so appreciated. My current idea is to leave the country and change my name.

Why on earth would you write all that. It's no big deal. He's weirdly making it a big deal.

This

She doesnt have the right to ask you that. You need to redirect her to her partner.

I wouldn't get involved, she could be a bit batshit about her blokes being friendly with ex's and there might be a reason he hasn't told her.

Not your circus

We briefly dated is more than enough if you want to reply. I suspect she will be off with you or stop speaking if she’s demanding to know info.

I wonder what's made her think that? How are you acting towards each other?

Thinking about it more I would not respond to her. At all. I did originally say tell the ex and tell her the truth.

But no, who the hell knows what craziness that might stir up?

Send her message to the ex and say deal with this, after you have told your husband about it, because secret messages to your ex may cause dramas too.

Then just bow out entirely. Don't respond to either of them on the subject at all.

You refusing to lie is causing nothing, your ex has caused these issues by lying. So weird. Maybe he just still really fancies you and it was obvious to her and he lied in panic?

Whatever his reasons, you're not his shield and you should try to extricate yourself quietly from their drama.

How do you know he's denying it? The new partner may not have spoken to him about it.

It's in the first OP message. "She’s just sent me a message saying that she had a feeling we’d had history, but he’d denied it, and to please tell her the truth."

Message her back and just say “are you okay?”

Personally I’d tell the truth.

You've had people saying it's not for you to get involved in their relationship except that she has chosen to involve you because she wants the truth and she's not getting it from him.

And, no, your sexual history isn't anyone else's business but I don't think it's revealing your sexual history to confirm you dated someone casually for a bit but it was no more serious than that.

She clearly suspects that he's not being honest with her. And she's right because he's outright lied to her.

it's not messing with their relationship to tell the truth

He has created this situation by lying to her and, tbh, the older I get, the more I think my loyalty lies with a woman who has asked a question wanting a truthful answer than the man who has lied to her and put her in that position.

I'd tell her the truth.

You know, if you're going to reply to a post, it's probably a good idea to read it first.

His new gf could be lying about having asked him about sleeping with OP. I'd ignore the message OP, it's a situation that whatever you do will be tge wring thing. Don't get involved.

This is a fair point.

I still don't see the harm in answering the question though..

I just don't see why it's such a big deal having casually dated someone in the past.

So I went back to sleep and woke up to a very angry message from her saying HE had since told her the truth, and basically accusing me of trying to befriend her under false pretences and stating she couldn’t be friendly to me going forward.

Her text was very accusatory and quite nasty, as if I’d been odd to be nice to her, knowing I’d secretly (????) dated her partner, implying her partner and I had been keeping it a secret from her together. I had no bloody idea she didn’t know.

I sent a polite text back (more polite than I should’ve been, really!) and will avoid her at future gatherings!

She sounds batshit crazy. Certainly not the love of his life 😂

Yet I somehow feel like I’m the one who’s come out of it looking bat shit crazy, as if I was some bunny boiler who was trying to befriend her while harbouring a dark secret.

I just thought she was a nice lady who wasn’t bothered by his past exploits!

I would stay out of it, it's not your place to tell her and if they end up breaking up over it the blame will be put on you (quite unfairly).
Message him and ask him to let her know as you're uncomfortable with this situation as you assumed she was aware.

I wouldn’t message back, she is angry he lied but you haven’t lied nor did you befriend her either ulterior motives.

Oh, just saw your update... that ship has sailed😂

Why don't you block her?

No, you haven't.

Some people wouldn't he bothered. She was, evidently.

I still don't see a problem with her asking you. It's horrible knowing you're being lied to.

Her subsequent rant to you was inappropriate but I suspect she feels foolish and humiliated because of his lie. It's him she's angry at. Not you.

I would not get involved. I would say please don't bring me into any argument you're having and then leave it at that.

I think I’d pretend I didn’t see the message for as long as possible.

I think it's an excellent idea. I waved at my friend last week at work then realised they just looked like my friend, and now I live in Poland. True story.