Page 3 | To tell her the truth?

Noliestold · 2025-02-01T05:21:30+00:00

I had a casual fling with a man for 2 years. We had a great time but for certain reasons, it was never serious. Now he’s met the love of his life. Our paths cross a lot and she’s wonderful. I’m (genuinely) thrilled for him. I also have a lovely partner too and the four of us have been at the same gatherings a few times. She’s just sent me a message saying that she had a feeling we’d had history, but he’d denied it, and to please tell her the truth. I had no idea he hadn’t told her previously. My partner knows everything about my dating history so I assumed it was the same for everyone. I have no idea what to do. None. I really really like this lady. More than I like him, honestly. My instinct is towards female solidarity but I imagine that’ll cause mayhem between them. Any advice would be so appreciated. My current idea is to leave the country and change my name.

StormingNorman · 01/02/2025 08:27

Just saw the update. What the actual fuck? I’m wondering if her DP still has a soft spot for you 😂

mumzof4x · 01/02/2025 08:29

I would just politely say
"Gosh that must have been awkward for you to ask, but equally awkward for me to receive. I'd rather you discussed with X if that's okay . Your friendship is important to me and I'd rather not get involved. Sorry if that's not helpful" x x

myplace · 01/02/2025 08:32

Take your hurt and embarrassment out of it, and what’s left? Just tell the truth-

“I’m sorry you’re upset. It was so long ago I never think about it. I hope you guys work it out, because we enjoy your company.”

username299 · 01/02/2025 08:32

SardinesOnGingerbread · 01/02/2025 08:27

I think it's an excellent idea. I waved at my friend last week at work then realised they just looked like my friend, and now I live in Poland. True story.

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Cool story.

2chocolateoranges · 01/02/2025 08:32

I would have messaged back, what happened between X and I before you got together has nothing to do with you, I’m sorry you feel like that but I’ll happily stay away from your drama.

WimpoleHat · 01/02/2025 08:35

I’d go on the front foot and go for the high ground. Along the lines of “How dare you send me these messages? All that’s relevant to you is fhat I’m very happily married to DH. Anything is my past is none of your business and I utterly resent the implication that there is even a sniff of infidelity in my own marriage……”. Something like that. She’s been totally childish and unreasonable here; I think the only way forward is to point out that you’re adults and not a bunch of 15 year old schoolgirls…..

SallyWD · 01/02/2025 08:35

mumzof4x · 01/02/2025 08:29

I would just politely say
"Gosh that must have been awkward for you to ask, but equally awkward for me to receive. I'd rather you discussed with X if that's okay . Your friendship is important to me and I'd rather not get involved. Sorry if that's not helpful" x x

I agree with this apart from "your friendship is important to me". It absolutely wouldn't be after her deranged text!

meh2025 · 01/02/2025 08:39

Noliestold · 01/02/2025 08:12

So I went back to sleep and woke up to a very angry message from her saying HE had since told her the truth, and basically accusing me of trying to befriend her under false pretences and stating she couldn’t be friendly to me going forward.

Her text was very accusatory and quite nasty, as if I’d been odd to be nice to her, knowing I’d secretly (????) dated her partner, implying her partner and I had been keeping it a secret from her together. I had no bloody idea she didn’t know.

I sent a polite text back (more polite than I should’ve been, really!) and will avoid her at future gatherings!

I wouldn't have replied at all. There is no fixing her degree of crazy.

My instinct is that she's looking for a reason to blame you for the fact that he still fancies you or that's what she believes at any rate.

It's jealousy, pure and simple. Possibly exacerbated by him lying in the first place.

ExtraOnions · 01/02/2025 08:40

I would not be “thrilled” if any friend of mine was with someone waving so many red flags

pictoosh · 01/02/2025 08:43

Right so, she's a fiery and jealous one. You did the right thing by sending a polite response. Making plans to avoid her seems sensible.

So curious as to what your polite reply said. I was wondering how the HELL to respond to her initial text without feeding the fire or lying. Awkward.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 01/02/2025 08:44

It should be him she's mad at. He's the daft fucker who lied.

notwavingbutsinking · 01/02/2025 08:49

GreyCarpet · 01/02/2025 08:20

No, you haven't.

Some people wouldn't he bothered. She was, evidently.

I still don't see a problem with her asking you. It's horrible knowing you're being lied to.

Her subsequent rant to you was inappropriate but I suspect she feels foolish and humiliated because of his lie. It's him she's angry at. Not you.

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Agree with this. She's clearly completely out of line for directing her anger at you, but I do feel for her. Personally I think it is really poor form to introduce a new partner to someone you have a history with without letting the new partner know.. Absolutely no need to go into the details, but it just feels hugely disrespectful to me and I'm not surprised she's really upset. She thought she was getting to know you as a friend, and now she feels like a prize idiot for being the last to know that you are actually ex lovers.

I completely disagree with PPs who think that it is irrelevant and none of her business. The fact that you are in the same social circle means that hiding it from her was as best thoughtless and at worst decietful of the BF.

None of this was your fault though, you haven't done anything wrong.

pictoosh · 01/02/2025 08:57

Why did he lie?? What a stupid thing to do.

BringOnFebBankHoliday · 01/02/2025 09:00

Noliestold · 01/02/2025 08:15

Yet I somehow feel like I’m the one who’s come out of it looking bat shit crazy, as if I was some bunny boiler who was trying to befriend her while harbouring a dark secret.

I just thought she was a nice lady who wasn’t bothered by his past exploits!

Edited

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Well that took a turn! She's 🦇💩... I was going to say stay well away from them as a couple, but actually I don't think she'll be around much longer.

Elasticatedtrousers · 01/02/2025 09:05

I don't blame ypu AT ALL (you have done nothing wrong) but he has been duplicitous and omitted info for his own ends and I'd feel the same as her, I'd feel if been duped and led down a false path, although I'd direct my anger at him.

The trouble is ex sexual partners don't feel as 'safe' as long term friends (which you've clearly been painted as) so her whole sense of the friendship she had developed with you is off.

JustMyView13 · 01/02/2025 09:16

Surely this is friendship over with both of them.

From her point of view, he’s lied and so she’s probably paranoid (needlessly?) that there’s more to this than she’s been told (and possibly reality?)

He’s now been ‘honest’ but probably positioned it as a thing you had with him, rather than something between mutually consenting adults.

Of course she’s going to trust him, and he’s obviously comfortable with her sending you messages like this. I’d just printscreen the exchange, send it to him and say - clearly this is unacceptable to me, our friendship is and never will be any more. Only [x] seems confused on that point. Good luck & I wish you well for the future, but best for all if we go our separate ways from here.

GreyCarpet · 01/02/2025 09:20

notwavingbutsinking · 01/02/2025 08:49

Agree with this. She's clearly completely out of line for directing her anger at you, but I do feel for her. Personally I think it is really poor form to introduce a new partner to someone you have a history with without letting the new partner know.. Absolutely no need to go into the details, but it just feels hugely disrespectful to me and I'm not surprised she's really upset. She thought she was getting to know you as a friend, and now she feels like a prize idiot for being the last to know that you are actually ex lovers.

I completely disagree with PPs who think that it is irrelevant and none of her business. The fact that you are in the same social circle means that hiding it from her was as best thoughtless and at worst decietful of the BF.

None of this was your fault though, you haven't done anything wrong.

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Totally agree.

crackfoxy · 01/02/2025 09:29

Such drama replies! Just ignore her. It's up to him what he wants to tell her!

Goldbar · 01/02/2025 09:30

I know you've already sent a reply, OP, but I think I would have replied to her second message "Your relationship with X is nothing to do with me. Please don't drag me into it - any association we had is long over - and I consider the subject closed. Please don't contact me again on this topic otherwise I will regard it as unwarranted harassment."

notwavingbutsinking · 01/02/2025 09:32

Elasticatedtrousers · 01/02/2025 09:05

I don't blame ypu AT ALL (you have done nothing wrong) but he has been duplicitous and omitted info for his own ends and I'd feel the same as her, I'd feel if been duped and led down a false path, although I'd direct my anger at him.

The trouble is ex sexual partners don't feel as 'safe' as long term friends (which you've clearly been painted as) so her whole sense of the friendship she had developed with you is off.

Exactly.

But he could have diffused that 'not safe' feeling by respectfully giving the heads up before or straight after you met her for the first time. That would have signalled to her that her feelings are paramount to him, that there is nothing to hide, and that she can trust him to he honest with her.

Instead, by first lying by ommision, and then lying out right, he has created the situation where she is now understandably upset and reevaluating the whole situation.

Loubylie · 01/02/2025 09:40

ZekeZeke · 01/02/2025 06:55

Your sexual history is none of her business but him lying about it is making it a bigger deal. There are obviously issues in their relationship. Not your problem.
Send him a copy of the message and tell him to deal with it as you don't want to be involved.

Edited

I agree with this approach.

Loubylie · 01/02/2025 09:43

Sorry. Just saw your update. You don't deserve all their drama.

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 01/02/2025 09:44

Edit: I didn't RTFT, sorry.

GrumblingRose · 01/02/2025 09:50

I think she's jealous of you OP and thinks her fella still holds a candle for you . She has picked up on a vibe

I would contact him and get him to tell her . What if you told her and he then denied it as I think he has been doing .

coolkatt · 01/02/2025 09:52

I would message her and say ur sorry, u expected fling man to have told u himself, u didn't feel it was your place, and your sorry he has not done this but yes there was a time, it was Fwb, and was done when u ere both single. Ur partner knows and u expected fling man to have told u. U hope this doesn't ruin the friendship that u value and take it from there.