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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite a child to the party

198 replies

Christiners · 30/01/2025 21:41

My son is 6, he’s having a birthday party next month for his 7th birthday and he has invited 10 (out of 30)children from his class. I asked him over and over “are you sure there’s no one else you want to invite?” “Are you sure this is everyone?” Even went through his list and said “who’s this one’s best friend” so that everyone had a friend to play with at the party. Only 3 of them are girls, idk if that’s relevant but il include in case.

anyway, today he took the invites in and I told him to give them to his teacher so that she could put them in children’s bags.. I thought that would work better than handing them out infront of everyone when not every child would receive one. The teacher told my son to hand them out.. big mistake.
A little girl started crying that she didn’t get an invite, but not just any little girl, a girl that has been very unkind to my son up until now. Every other day he comes home and says “she punched me” “she strangled me” “she pulled my shoe off” “she threw water at me”. My son now feels bad that she’s upset and wants to invite her, I’ve said no.
If it was a random child that he hadn’t thought to invite then my opinion would obviously be different and I DO understand that they’re children and they’re still learning etc but this child has been very unkind to him for a very long time.. I don’t think it’s fair that my son is guilt tripped into having to invite someone to his party. He’s upset and now really wants to give her an invite but I feel like he’s just worried that she’ll be nasty to him if she’s not invited.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 21:44

YANBU. It’s ok to tell your son that he shouldn’t have children at his party who hurt him or are mean to him.

It’s weird that the teacher did that though. You tried to do it kindly.

Gloriousgardener11 · 30/01/2025 21:45

I wouldn’t give it another thought.
She’s been unkind to your son and the consequences are that she doesn’t get an invite to his party.
He’s old enough to know who he wants at his party and I’d support him in that.

BlueMum16 · 30/01/2025 21:46

Tell your son the numbers are fixed, invites sent and he picked his friends.

Explain the this girl isn't really a friend because she's so mean to him and therefore doesn't merit an invite.

I'd also mention his concerns to the teacher and ask them to keep an eye on things especially as it was made worse by their actions.

Martymcfly24 · 30/01/2025 21:47

Absolutely no way should those invites have been sent to school. Even if teacher ( shouldn't be her job)had put them into bags someone would have realised it's there and pulled it out so all kids would have looked for theirs. In my school invites are not allowed in, everything is arranged through Whatsapp.

No you don't need to invite the little girl at all. There is only ten going so it's not like she was singled out for exclusion

Puppypower90 · 30/01/2025 21:51

Personally, I would've either handed the invitations out to the parents or made a WhatsApp group of the parents of the children. Its not the teachers responsibility to put invites in bags.

Also no, you shouldn't be guilt tripped into inviting her. Showing your son what boundaries are will hold him in good stead.

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 21:53

Martymcfly24 · 30/01/2025 21:47

Absolutely no way should those invites have been sent to school. Even if teacher ( shouldn't be her job)had put them into bags someone would have realised it's there and pulled it out so all kids would have looked for theirs. In my school invites are not allowed in, everything is arranged through Whatsapp.

No you don't need to invite the little girl at all. There is only ten going so it's not like she was singled out for exclusion

If there’s no WhatsApp group then OP would have had no other option.

Rosesgrowonyou · 30/01/2025 21:55

Do all classes have Whatsapp groups now? I can't think of anything worse.

Original poster
Christiners · 30/01/2025 21:55

Also to note, my son goes to breakfast and after school club every day due to my work hours so I don’t do school runs where I’d see other parents, I’m also not in the WhatsApp group chats as I just found it so overwhelming with my eldest that I opted out this time round!
Whenever my son has been invited to a birthday party in the past it has been via invitation he’s received at school in his bag so that is the norm for our school as far as I’m aware

OP posts:
miniaturepixieonacid · 30/01/2025 21:56

YANBU. If she was the only one not invited, it would be different but only 1/3 of the class are invited. Your son would presumably have picked the other 19 non invitees over this child who is unkind to him. It's only because she cried and he (very sweetly) feels bad for her.

Rosesgrowonyou · 30/01/2025 21:58

You should have given the invitations to the parents really.

Ablondiebutagoody · 30/01/2025 21:59

If I was the teacher, I wouldn't be putting people's invitations into school bags either. Nothing to do with me.

Also don't invite the mean girl.

Rosesgrowonyou · 30/01/2025 22:00

And really, invitations are not allowed at some schools? So if you are not in the Whatapp group your child never gets invited to a party?

Martymcfly24 · 30/01/2025 22:01

Everyone finds the WhatsApp groups overwhelming. They are a really shitty necessary part of having kids this age.

Yes this little girl sounds very unpleasant to your son and was very vocal about her lack of invite but there may have been other children who were quietly upset about not being invited.

And I totally get ten is more than enough for a party but keep it out of school in that case.

saraclara · 30/01/2025 22:02

Rosesgrowonyou · 30/01/2025 21:58

You should have given the invitations to the parents really.

How? OP had already said that she doesn't see the parents as she doesn't do the school run (and I imagine some of them don't, either).

Rosesgrowonyou · 30/01/2025 22:03

saraclara · 30/01/2025 22:02

How? OP had already said that she doesn't see the parents as she doesn't do the school run (and I imagine some of them don't, either).

Show quote history

good point.

Martymcfly24 · 30/01/2025 22:04

Nope parents are told on their induction day no invites in school.

It's a party nothing to do with school, if an invitation is lost or given to the wrong child or not everyone is invited etc then school is blamed and I gave enough things that are my fault every day.

Rosesgrowonyou · 30/01/2025 22:06

Martymcfly24 · 30/01/2025 22:04

Nope parents are told on their induction day no invites in school.

It's a party nothing to do with school, if an invitation is lost or given to the wrong child or not everyone is invited etc then school is blamed and I gave enough things that are my fault every day.

I've never heard that before. Seems a bit shit to me.

Original poster
Christiners · 30/01/2025 22:06

I wouldn’t call group chats a necessary part of having a child this age. I have better things to spend my time doing than read “is it PE today?” “Did anyone else’s child come home with a letter about a school trip?” constantly. I get that some might find that helpful, I don’t.. I’ve got a whole life outside of my children attending school and I don’t really wish to be a part of another group chat

OP posts:
Rosesgrowonyou · 30/01/2025 22:08

Christiners · 30/01/2025 22:06

I wouldn’t call group chats a necessary part of having a child this age. I have better things to spend my time doing than read “is it PE today?” “Did anyone else’s child come home with a letter about a school trip?” constantly. I get that some might find that helpful, I don’t.. I’ve got a whole life outside of my children attending school and I don’t really wish to be a part of another group chat

Absolutely this.

HundredPercentUnsure · 30/01/2025 22:08

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 21:44

YANBU. It’s ok to tell your son that he shouldn’t have children at his party who hurt him or are mean to him.

It’s weird that the teacher did that though. You tried to do it kindly.

It’s weird that the teacher did that though.

Is it? Why? It's not the teacher's responsibility. It has nothing to do with school.

Toastsnack65 · 30/01/2025 22:08

I can't believe schools would ban invites being handed out. How else are they meant to be given out? My kids at school don't have any whatsapp group and parents who have kids in wrap around care will have to give them to their child or teacher to hand out. My kids know that they don't get an invite to every party and wouldn't expect an invite from kids they aren't friends with. I've never known it to be a problem with any of my kids classes. Other parents understand that parties are expensive and numbers limited.

OP - no one should invite someone to anything just to stop them being unkind. It's the wrong message. I hope you manage to sort out the issues for your DS. I would just stick to face that numbers have been reached and it's too late to change.

HundredPercentUnsure · 30/01/2025 22:10

I can't believe schools would ban invites being handed out. How else are they meant to be given out?

On the playground. Before or after school.

Martymcfly24 · 30/01/2025 22:11

And I have never heard of a school that gives out invites in all my years teaching.
What happens if a parent leaves one child out (have read threads like that here) would you as a teacher hand them out knowing one child was left out?

Genuinely don't understand how after two years of school you do not have the parents numbers of their closest friends . Have they never been to a party for any of these children.If I was leaving my child at a party for a couple of hours I would ensure the parents have my number in case of emergency.

Rosesgrowonyou · 30/01/2025 22:14

Martymcfly24 · 30/01/2025 22:11

And I have never heard of a school that gives out invites in all my years teaching.
What happens if a parent leaves one child out (have read threads like that here) would you as a teacher hand them out knowing one child was left out?

Genuinely don't understand how after two years of school you do not have the parents numbers of their closest friends . Have they never been to a party for any of these children.If I was leaving my child at a party for a couple of hours I would ensure the parents have my number in case of emergency.

Not a chance I'd want to join a chat group with 20 odd randoms. Bit different to knowing a few of their friends parents numbers. Your school rules seem a bit ott to me.

Original poster
Christiners · 30/01/2025 22:14

Martymcfly24 · 30/01/2025 22:11

And I have never heard of a school that gives out invites in all my years teaching.
What happens if a parent leaves one child out (have read threads like that here) would you as a teacher hand them out knowing one child was left out?

Genuinely don't understand how after two years of school you do not have the parents numbers of their closest friends . Have they never been to a party for any of these children.If I was leaving my child at a party for a couple of hours I would ensure the parents have my number in case of emergency.

I’ve replied to the RSVP numbers that he’s had on invites before from his friends but definitely not all of the friends he wanted to invite, I’m not even sure I’ve saved numbers after replying to accept an invite tbh. Also, I’ve never left my child at a party? He’s never been invited to a drop and go party before.. is that a thing at this age?? Any party either of my young children have gone to, parents have stayed

OP posts: