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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite a child to the party

198 replies

Christiners · 30/01/2025 21:41

My son is 6, he’s having a birthday party next month for his 7th birthday and he has invited 10 (out of 30)children from his class. I asked him over and over “are you sure there’s no one else you want to invite?” “Are you sure this is everyone?” Even went through his list and said “who’s this one’s best friend” so that everyone had a friend to play with at the party. Only 3 of them are girls, idk if that’s relevant but il include in case.

anyway, today he took the invites in and I told him to give them to his teacher so that she could put them in children’s bags.. I thought that would work better than handing them out infront of everyone when not every child would receive one. The teacher told my son to hand them out.. big mistake.
A little girl started crying that she didn’t get an invite, but not just any little girl, a girl that has been very unkind to my son up until now. Every other day he comes home and says “she punched me” “she strangled me” “she pulled my shoe off” “she threw water at me”. My son now feels bad that she’s upset and wants to invite her, I’ve said no.
If it was a random child that he hadn’t thought to invite then my opinion would obviously be different and I DO understand that they’re children and they’re still learning etc but this child has been very unkind to him for a very long time.. I don’t think it’s fair that my son is guilt tripped into having to invite someone to his party. He’s upset and now really wants to give her an invite but I feel like he’s just worried that she’ll be nasty to him if she’s not invited.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LuluBlakey1 · 31/01/2025 00:22

Christiners · 31/01/2025 00:03

That’s not a rule at our school though and invites do usually get put in bags. I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding and maybe my son said “I have invites for all my friends” and the teacher assumed that meant all of the class.. who knows, not me!
so yeah I had no reason to believe it was a bad idea, I tried to do it sensitively, it didn’t go to plan

Show quote history

It should be the rule in all schools. Yet again it is parents blurting boundaries and schools allowing them and then messes occur.

Original poster
Christiners · 31/01/2025 00:26

LuluBlakey1 · 31/01/2025 00:22

It should be the rule in all schools. Yet again it is parents blurting boundaries and schools allowing them and then messes occur.

Show quote history

i can’t help what should and shouldn’t be a rule, but it’s not a rule at ours so I just did what others usually do

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 31/01/2025 00:27

I love when this sentiment gets trotted out re parties that children need to be taught lessons in disappointment. At 6 I really don’t think they do. This is just something adults say to make themselves feel justified

Original poster
Christiners · 31/01/2025 00:31

Pyjamatimenow · 31/01/2025 00:27

I love when this sentiment gets trotted out re parties that children need to be taught lessons in disappointment. At 6 I really don’t think they do. This is just something adults say to make themselves feel justified

I do think it’s the case that children should be explained to that not everyone gets an invite to everything, however never would I knowingly send my son in to school with invitations for a select few and tell him “hand them out” whilst thinking to myself that those who don’t have one just have to learn that that’s life.
contrary to those that clearly think idgaf, I did believe they would be given discreetly for those invited to find in their bags when they got home. I was never trying to teach anyone a lesson

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 31/01/2025 00:36

@Christiners No way should this unkind physically rough girl come. The other kids will probably breathe a sigh of relief as well.

ImWithGuineaPigsOnThisOne · 31/01/2025 00:41

swimsong · 31/01/2025 00:11

Sounds like she likes him.

Not an excuse for bullying, and I've never believed in that anyway. Kids don't bully someone because they like them. Maybe she would be invited to parties if she was nicer. If a child is unpopular it's time to look at why. It may be something that isn't their fault but it may be they contributing to it. I was an unpopular child . I struggled to understand what was expected of me and I was different from the others. I had no idea as a child that I needed to learn social skills and learn to fit in a bit better . I might have had an easier time of it if I had.

Flossflower · 31/01/2025 00:43

The invites should not have been sent into school. At our local primary you are only allowed to give invites out at school if it is a whole class invite. You should join the WhatsApp group. You might not like to read inane messages but sorry these days this is part of your commitment to your son.

Original poster
Christiners · 31/01/2025 00:46

Flossflower · 31/01/2025 00:43

The invites should not have been sent into school. At our local primary you are only allowed to give invites out at school if it is a whole class invite. You should join the WhatsApp group. You might not like to read inane messages but sorry these days this is part of your commitment to your son.

Respectfully, have a fucking laugh.
part of my commitment to my son, to join a WhatsApp group? Of all of the comments on this post so far that is the most ridiculous.
i work my arse off to provide for my children, to make sure they’re looked after and happy and have a good life.. I’m committed to him, don’t worry. School WhatsApp group or not

OP posts:
Enough4me · 31/01/2025 00:51

OP ignore the nonsense on here. Some will be wind up merchants, some looking to be spiteful after a tough day, others haven't RTFT.
It never ceases to amaze me how common sense and reality can be warped to the extent some posters demand they are right.

ImWithGuineaPigsOnThisOne · 31/01/2025 00:54

It's not shit if only friends is invited as long as the invitations aren't given out in front of the other kids. The uninvited kids wouldn't even know about the upcoming party then. @Christiners I get that you did what you could to minimise distress. Please don't worry about it any more it will all have blown over soon. Kids get over things easily and I'm sure it was a misunderstanding on the part of the upset child. She can't have expected to be invited if she isn't a special friend of your child, I think she must have assumed everyone was going.

Original poster
Christiners · 31/01/2025 00:58

I’m done checking in now, sometimes I forget that common sense isn’t all that common!

Thanks to all with a bit of savvy that responded ❤️

OP posts:
IcyColdDay · 31/01/2025 00:59

Rosesgrowonyou · 30/01/2025 21:55

Do all classes have Whatsapp groups now? I can't think of anything worse.

Same

NotVeryFunny · 31/01/2025 01:02

Pyjamatimenow · 30/01/2025 22:26

You don’t send invites in unless you’re inviting the whole class. Teacher should have refused to have them in school. You made a 6 year old cry and I don’t doubt quite a few others wanted to cry as well. You can’t invite this girl now as her mother will probably tell you where to stick it. Explain to your son he made his list and when you do that you will always upset/ disappoint some children. You made a mistake and should have tried to contact the parents yourself so children weren’t upset in school.

Don't be ridiculous. Children need to learn that they can't be invited to everything. And how to deal with disappointment. Not taught that no one will ever disappoint them, and they can behave however they like. They won't learn how to deal with life if they never experience it and not being invited to a.party is a very gentle way to start learning how to deal with life's much more difficult stuff and the huge disappointments they will undoubtedly experience when they are older. It has to start somewhere! And bad behaviour, and bullying definitely shouldn't be rewarded with a party invite. Maybe this child can be helped to understand that if you are mean they no one will want to invite you to their parties!

It was very normal when my DS was young to have small parties (whole class parties were very unusual) and invites were always put into book bags as there was no WhatsApp! Not sure how we've gone from this, which was normal and uneventful, to parents yelling about their poor child not being invited to every party and how it shouldn't be allowed?!?

Goldbar · 31/01/2025 01:08

The class WhatsApp group may be tedious but it exists to solve this and other tedious aspects of parenting school-aged children. Going by ours, your son must be missing out on a bit by not being on it.

OldChinaJug · 31/01/2025 03:22

anyway, today he took the invites in and I told him to give them to his teacher so that she could put them in children’s bags.. I thought that would work better than handing them out infront of everyone when not every child would receive one. The teacher told my son to hand them out.. big mistake.

Don't do this.

Of all the parenting duties that seem to have become my responsibility over recent years, this is the one I draw the line at.

Your child's birthday party is not my responsibility on any level.

PeloMom · 31/01/2025 03:32

We are facing a similar dilemma with a child who has been unkind to mind with my DC’s birthday around the corner. The reality is that all kids except this one will be invited.
the teachers at our school told us from the beginning that invites are distributed outside of the classroom / school. There is a way to get parents’ numbers and emails and that’s how invites are done at our school.

Rachmorr57 · 31/01/2025 03:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SometimesCalmPerson · 31/01/2025 04:22

At my school we often put invitations in children’s bags in the younger years so I know it as normal. I think it’s common courtesy to ask for this favour to be done for you though and we’d think it quite rude for a parent to send their child in with invitations without telling us. We need to know to avoid situations like this one.

6 year olds who have just been to breakfast club are unlikely to discreetly ask the teacher if she could please put invitations in bags later on. It would be a very daft and inexperienced teacher who would allow a child to hand out invitations in front of everyone knowing not everyone would get one so I’m not sure I’d believe that’s what happened. Maybe your son knew he shouldn’t have handed out his invitations when he did, has realised he made a mistake and that’s why he wants to invite this girl now.

All this can be avoided when parents ask nicely and either hand the invitations directly to us or tell us in advance to check the bag for them.

Gogogo12345 · 31/01/2025 04:51

EndlessTreadmill · 30/01/2025 23:07

Yes she would. Discretely hand the cards out to those parents at pickup!
We are whatsapp all the way at my school.

Show quote history

You obviously didn't read the post OP doesn't do the school runs

ARichtGoodDram · 31/01/2025 04:57

Differnt schools have different ways of doing it.

Several schools I worked in actually preferred to be involved in dishing out the invitations as it can be a good way to see if the same children are not being included, or it is only the same children being included, each time. It can also tell a lot about the parents.

At DDs school they have the same policy as the last three schools I worked in - school will give out invitations to the whole class, all the boys/all the girls, or less than half the class.

NormaleKartoffeln · 31/01/2025 04:58

YANBU to not invite this girl however YABU to hand our invites to a small select group in the school classroom! At the gate or even by message would have been better.

Disasterclass · 31/01/2025 05:29

Lots of people saying you shouldn't have done it like this, but if it's the done thing at the school then of course you should. DDs school was the same, teachers just put invites in the kids bags. Also all class parties weren't a thing and we didn't have a class WhatsApp group but somehow managed without one!

I imagine the teacher was just busy, but it's not the end of the world. Kids know at this age that they get invited to some parties and not others, if nothing else they talk to each other no matter how discreetly you do invitations.

You certainly shouldn't invite this child. Do the school know about her behaviour towards him?

SharpOpalNewt · 31/01/2025 05:34

I'm surprised people give out invitations in book bags these days. Mine are a few years out of primary school but parents have been just creating a Whatsapp group for a party or just texting the parents of the invitees individually for ten years or more now which saves a lot of bother.

crockofshite · 31/01/2025 06:20

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 21:53

If there’s no WhatsApp group then OP would have had no other option.

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She should have handed them direct to the parents.

SpringBunnyHopHop · 31/01/2025 06:25

You’ve made a mistake having them handed out like that. You should have gave them to the parents in th yard a bit more discretely