To not invite a child to the party

[Christiners]

My son is 6, he’s having a birthday party next month for his 7th birthday and he has invited 10 (out of 30)children from his class. I asked him over and over “are you sure there’s no one else you want to invite?” “Are you sure this is everyone?” Even went through his list and said “who’s this one’s best friend” so that everyone had a friend to play with at the party. Only 3 of them are girls, idk if that’s relevant but il include in case.

anyway, today he took the invites in and I told him to give them to his teacher so that she could put them in children’s bags.. I thought that would work better than handing them out infront of everyone when not every child would receive one. The teacher told my son to hand them out.. big mistake.
A little girl started crying that she didn’t get an invite, but not just any little girl, a girl that has been very unkind to my son up until now. Every other day he comes home and says “she punched me” “she strangled me” “she pulled my shoe off” “she threw water at me”. My son now feels bad that she’s upset and wants to invite her, I’ve said no.
If it was a random child that he hadn’t thought to invite then my opinion would obviously be different and I DO understand that they’re children and they’re still learning etc but this child has been very unkind to him for a very long time.. I don’t think it’s fair that my son is guilt tripped into having to invite someone to his party. He’s upset and now really wants to give her an invite but I feel like he’s just worried that she’ll be nasty to him if she’s not invited.

AIBU?

So if you have a small house and can’t afford to hire a hall you are obliged to have 30 kids trampling over your house. I don’t think so.

Definitely not unreasonable not to invite this girl. I would do the same as you, OP.

Allowing her to go just sends the wrong message to your son that he should acquiesce to people who treat him badly, because their feelings matter more.

Maybe missing a party will be a lesson for her.

People often give out paper invites at our school it’s totally normal and the teachers put them in book bags for us. It is moving more to WhatsApp invites now but I’ve never heard of a school banning them! How over the top.
Anyway I wouldn’t invite this girl.

How does WhatsApp solve the issue if you’re only inviting a certain number of kids? Surely nobody’s messaging a group with 25 other parents and listing the names of kids who’re invited to a party?

Do people just get the parents numbers from the WhatsApp group and send separate, individual messages?

OP, just tell him the numbers are finalised and no one can be added. Thats it, move the conversation on.

We were asked did we want our number on a list circulated to every parent, so that going forward we could text invitations and keep them completely away from the school.

It worked very well, that was 13 years ago.

Who said that? You can have small parties if that’s all you can afford but what you don’t do is make it obvious and upset small children. It’s shitty and a waste of the teacher’s valuable time.
@Kibble29 yes that’s exactly what you do. You extract the relevant numbers from the WhatsApp group and message them.

@Pyjamatimenow Makes sense! My son is still at the friendly, wholesome nursery stage where everyone is invited to everyone’s party so I wasn’t sure. No doubt I’ll be introduced to the politics of school WhatsApp in due course!

A few things

1. No don't invite the girl and never feel guilty about it. No drama there.
2. Don't send invites into the school. The teacher won't hand them out for you, that's your job
3. Start collecting phone numbers

I also use breakfast and after school club so wouldn't see any of the kids or parents ever. I joined the WhatsApp group to get the numbers that I wanted, and muted it so I don't have it in my face all the time. Invites are 75% just WhatsApp nowadays which is great as my son is not super reliable on giving me the crumpled bit of paper someone handed him before school.

There are many ways to fix this but none of them should involve the teacher. Lesson learned!

Kids now about parties and they all know they fo to some and not others. It's totally normal not to invite everyone to everything.

Dropoff parties started around 5 for my kids so I'm surprised to hear that you expect parents to stay at this party. I'd definitely be ready to get their numbers if they are like everyone here and expect to drop and run - you'll need a way to contact them. Then you'll have their info for next time too.

Also wondering how you setup play dates and such without contact info!

That’s nice, but irrelevant. The OP isn’t asking about the invite protocol at your kids school.

Yes she would. Discretely hand the cards out to those parents at pickup!
We are whatsapp all the way at my school.

@EndlessTreadmill - her child is in breakfast and after school club so she's not at dropoff or pickup. I ran into this issue myself but solved it with the WhatsApp group thankfully

I would definitely not invite the child if she has been mean. All it means is that she has FOMO and is probably spoilt and can't stand the thought of someone having something she doesn't.
On the contrary, coach you son to say ' well I'm not going to invite you as you have been mean to me - if you stay being nice to me I will invite you next year'!
He might see a different result!

Not a possibility for working parents.

we always did the same as op.

That’s also shit but it isn’t as blatant and in your face as what you’ve done by sending the paper invites in and your son having to hand them out. I personally wouldn’t do either of these things at this age and only did selective parties y5 onwards. Even then the only kids I didn’t invite were ones that had never invited dd to one in previous years.

The teacher handed them out as she pleased. It's not her fault a child was upset.

If I were to spend ten mins putting invites in bags I would have to forego eating or a toilet trip or an intervention group.

I’m a single parent, work a full time Monday-Friday job, don’t get to pick my children up until early evening, don’t have them on Saturdays as they’re with their dad and on the 1 day we have a week together I prioritise family time, the kids see their cousins of similar age, we go to a play group at our local church run community group once a month, we go out (although somewhat limited as it’s a Sunday).. we don’t have nearly as much free time as I’d like and play dates aren’t always easy for us. So I do already feel like a POS enough as it is, I know you weren’t particularly bashing me like others have done but honestly just tried to do something nice for my son when I often feel like I don’t get to do as much as I’d like, I obviously dropped the ball on it though

@Christiners that all makes sense and I can see how this happened. Everyone will be fine and next time you’ll have an easier way to do it. I know it’s super tricky to figure this all out when you aren’t at the school like other parents (it was the same for me - thankfully I knew a couple kids from nursery so was added to the group chat and found it all there). If people are sending your rsvps save their numbers (I always save their name - kid name so I can remember who they are!) and do a text invite next year. I ‘love’ a text invite so u can actually find the info later too!

Indeed. Which is why the parents need to hand out the invitations.

Some parents have jobs and can’t hang around in the playground

Of course you shouldn't invite her. But what were you thinking letting him take the invites in himself? You either explain to the teacher - though the amount of times I found a crumpled up invite at the bottom of a book bag long after the party happened - or hand them to the parents themselves.

I don’t get to see his teacher and I don’t see the parents

She already said before you posted that she’s not there for pick up.

Yeah it's not necessary, I've got 4 kids and never had a class WhatsApp group.

Teachers really aren't employed to do social admin for parents. If you want to give invites out at school, it's best to get there early for drop-off or pick-up and give to whoever is with the child (parent/grandparent/childminder/club).

Some parents take & collect phone numbers of their kids friends or classmates.

Some parents ask other parents for kid Joe Bloggs parent's phone number if they don't already have it.

All teachers have better things to do.