To not invite a child to the party

[Christiners]

My son is 6, he’s having a birthday party next month for his 7th birthday and he has invited 10 (out of 30)children from his class. I asked him over and over “are you sure there’s no one else you want to invite?” “Are you sure this is everyone?” Even went through his list and said “who’s this one’s best friend” so that everyone had a friend to play with at the party. Only 3 of them are girls, idk if that’s relevant but il include in case.

anyway, today he took the invites in and I told him to give them to his teacher so that she could put them in children’s bags.. I thought that would work better than handing them out infront of everyone when not every child would receive one. The teacher told my son to hand them out.. big mistake.
A little girl started crying that she didn’t get an invite, but not just any little girl, a girl that has been very unkind to my son up until now. Every other day he comes home and says “she punched me” “she strangled me” “she pulled my shoe off” “she threw water at me”. My son now feels bad that she’s upset and wants to invite her, I’ve said no.
If it was a random child that he hadn’t thought to invite then my opinion would obviously be different and I DO understand that they’re children and they’re still learning etc but this child has been very unkind to him for a very long time.. I don’t think it’s fair that my son is guilt tripped into having to invite someone to his party. He’s upset and now really wants to give her an invite but I feel like he’s just worried that she’ll be nasty to him if she’s not invited.

AIBU?

And the teacher has better things to do with their time than dealing with your child’s party invitations.

Confused at why the teacher was expected to play a part in this 🤷🏻‍♀️

I didn’t ask her to make the sandwiches for it or anything.. but perhaps I underestimated the selfishness of me hoping she could pop 10 little pieces of card in bags

How? OP had already said that she doesn't see the parents as she doesn't do the school run (and I imagine some of them don't, either).

Even so its still naff all to do with the teacher

Lots of people would drop and go at 7th birthday parties .

you don't want to be on Whatsapp groups, don't save numbers from RSVP's, can't be at the gate , all of which are perfectly fine but then you can't complain a teacher didn't do what you wanted because of your choices.

At our school, they'll give out invitations for parties to which all the children are invited. They won't give out invitations (or let them be given out) to a small number of children.

At our school you can do invitations if it's for the whole class, but anything less and it's for you to figure out yourself. I totally understand that.

@Christiners either all children get invited or you discreetly call the relevant parents to invite their kids. Sorry that’s ridiculous to send the invitations in like that to school. I even feel bad for the bully because at the end of the day they’re just children. She obviously needs to be taught by her parents to be kind but flashing an invitation around that she and others aren’t getting is not fair .

Wow! Do you realise the million and one ‘little’ things that teachers have to do in a day? That there is a teacher retention crisis because of stress and workload? That they often don’t have time for a toilet break or lunch? I’m speechless at your sarcasm.

oh ffs. Surely kids know that they don't get invited to all parties. When did this madness start?

Your loss. I get a huge amount out of the support and friendship of other parents .

YANBU thought by not inviting this girl.

You don’t send invites in unless you’re inviting the whole class. Teacher should have refused to have them in school. You made a 6 year old cry and I don’t doubt quite a few others wanted to cry as well. You can’t invite this girl now as her mother will probably tell you where to stick it. Explain to your son he made his list and when you do that you will always upset/ disappoint some children. You made a mistake and should have tried to contact the parents yourself so children weren’t upset in school.

Rightly so. Schools are supposed to be inclusive environments.

Most parents wouldn't be able to afford or have the space to accommodate 30 kids. Much better for just the child's friends to be invited. Perhaps the girl was upset because she assumed it was a whole class party and only she was left out ? Obviously it would have been mean to invite the other 29 and left one out, but doesn't sound like this is what happened here. Also I think consequences need to be learned. Children need to be taught that unkindness means they risk not being invited to things. There's usually a reason why a child doesn't have many friends.

No yanbu to not invite this child. Not every child gets invited to every party and it isn't as if they were the only one not invited. You should not expect the teacher to go putting invitations in individual bags though. As a primary school teacher, I will hand out invitations if they are for the whole class, but not for select children. I always advise the child or parent discreetly hands them put on the playground before or after school.

I don’t think I have actually complained or slated the teacher? Whether it’s the norm for other schools or not, it is very normally for children to come home with invites at our school.. and they haven’t always included the whole class, which is why I thought it best to try to have them slipped into bags. They weren’t, they were handed out.. which is what I called a mistake. Not sure how that’s translated into me bashing the teacher but that wasn’t the goal.
It wasn’t my intention for any child to see invitations and not get one, I don’t do school runs and I don’t have everyone’s phone number.. my son wanted a birthday party, I tried my best to facilitate it

But surely children don't want to invite a child that was mean to them ? Bullies need to learn that consequences.

My daughter was the unkind girl who hurt her class mates (she had undiagnosed Autism/ADHD and trauma from her childhood) however that is absolutely not your issue and as a logical parent I understood why she never got invited to parties and tried to manage her emotions

Your child should not be forced to invite anyone who has hurt him to his birthday I am an advocate for my child and you have every right to advocate for yours

She has explained why she can't already

So once per week she has to take a load of cards to where they dump their bags, locate each child's bag somehow (most of which probably won't have a name on) and stick the cards in. Then deal with twattish parents when some of the invites don't make it home. Are you serious? That's what you want your child's teacher to spend their time doing? Because you can't be arsed with a WhatsApp group chat? Amazing

To be fair she can find a way to contact them, she has chosen not to.

The op hasn’t just not invited the bully. She’s left out other children as well who presumably are not bullies but didn’t make her kid’s shortlist. Schools shouldn’t be involved in that kind of selectiveness.

This is where being involved in the group chat would save a lot of bother. Unfortunately when you have kids you do have to do a lot of stuff you might find irritating, including group chats and getting other parents’ contact details.

I agree that OP shouldn't have given the invitations out at school. But if a child only wants a few friends that is fine. As long as invitations aren't given out during school. As these uninvited kids are not friends of the child I am guessing they assumed it was a whole class party, hence the upset.

Okay let’s say for arguments sake, I went back in time, joined the group chats and had all the parents numbers.
The party still wouldn’t have been a whole class thing, he still would have only invited 10 children and the others would still be “left out”.. but the invites were sent out via message.
what would happen the day after I sent those messages out, when the kids that were invited, go into school and talk about a party that some kids aren’t invited to. The kids then all know about it and they’re upset again coz they “didn’t make the shortlist”.
Im one person throwing a party for my child, sorry that I can’t invite every child.. you’re twisting my post and making it about something it isn’t