To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

[DazedorBemused]

I've just cleared another carload of stuff from my parents attic. They were born either side of WW2, and talked. Talked so much about rationing, poverty, striking, unions, etc.
My brother was occasionally ill as a child. To compensate he had fancy Lego, computers when they first came out, hand held video games.
The contrast between his pricy toys and my enjoy your family board game type stuff is obvious.
Then my parents got into collecting stuff - porcelain, dinner services, up scaled their Christmas decorations again and again.

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Emptying a parent’s house is hard at the best of times, especially if they are gone. Lots of emotional triggers and memories.

Sounds like your parents fortunes improved as their family grew up, and they enjoyed spending their disposable income.

It’s just stuff Op, but your post suggests you are attaching significance to it as a reminder of something you feel you missed.

Is it possible that you felt overlooked as a younger child/ teen as your brother needed/ got more attention because of his bouts of ill-health?

Bereavement counselling is often recommended on MN. I have not had it myself, it it may be worth looking into. My GP has referred a friend of mine in the past, so if you want to go down that route, perhaps talk to them first?

That sounds really shit, I'm sorry

Have you got any support IRL? Perhaps someone who could help with tip runs?

That was their life choice though. Who are we to decide what and how our parents spent their money.
Perhaps they did experience tough times when small with rationing etc and wanted to make a better life as they grew up and have the things they desired for themselves.just another perspective so to speak.

I feel for you sorting/disposing of everything though, it's not a pleasant time.

I get it. Am currently sorting out my DMs house. She was a single Mum and has pleaded poverty for decades. Hasn't bought any Christmas / birthday presents for grandchildren for years. I haven't ever borrowed money from her. In fact quite the opposite. We have kept her supported financially. I never resented it until she hit infirmity and I realised quite how much money and stuff she has tucked away. Her pension is better than mine will ever be despite working for much longer than she ever did. She wasted thousands of pounds on collectibles and jewelry. I have two nice necklaces, a bracelet and set of earrings (which I am quite content with by the way). She has told me how her generation did without. She owned her own home from 45.

I am very conflicted about how I feel about this. I can only dream of the sort of cash she has in retirement and will inherit none of it, as it will be all absorbed in care fees.

I see you. It is tough. And it doesn't make you a bad person to feel like this.

I understand this to an extent. My parents are still alive but always go on and on about how poor they were, how hard life was. I grew up in my brother’s hand me downs with strong ties at the waist to stop them falling down. Shoes that fell off or rubbed and never fit.

their house is full of shitty antique collectibles they paid a fortune for and are now worth very little.

The death of parents triggers lots of memories and harboured resentments.

I know that I was able to give more to my third child as our fortunes improved - that is pretty normal. When my first two were born we were scrimping and saving, but things got better as time went by.

It all goes round in a cycle - to begin with you enjoy being financially more comfortable and then you begin to wonder whether you want any of this material "stuff."

Try not to let this all get you down. You are young and able to enjoy your life - that is the priority.

Sorry to hear that. I love my mum dearly but even she has a blind spot for sons.

Why isn’t your brother helping? Are your parents going into care?

We had 2 homes to sort through. One was a huge job, we still needed multiple skips after 8 months clearing.
my DM had a small house but it was crammed with disorganised clutter,
we’ve done the tip and charity shops, it’s tiring. Made me not want to inflict this task on our DSs so I’ve got rid of a load of stuff recently.

I think it's broadly generational.

I am dreading the time I will have to do DM's house. I think having almost nothing as a child and what she had being shared between three sisters means that as she's been able to buy stuff.. she has. And more and more. And attaches emotional memories to things.

Whereas I recall a childhood scared of breaking or damaging anything, so consequently I don't have nice stuff or 'best' anything and attach no more value than the cost of replacement.

Sorry for your loss.

I find some of it quite sad. I always used to wonder why my ILs were so careful with money, and grew to learn that they had both savings and 'investment' collectibles. They both died quite recently and we're in the process of clearing out the house. A lot of the investment pieces just aren't in vogue now, and will only realise a small fraction of their purchase price. That wouldn't matter if they'd had joy in owning them, but they never mentioned that.
As for their savings, I hope they made them feel a bit more secure over the years. A big chunk has gone on care home fees, even though neither of them were in them for long. I feel as if they never really let themselves enjoy life.

My mum was in a similar position with her parents. She had to work two jobs to look after me and my brother, only to realise that when her parents became ill and had to go into a home that they had hundreds of thousands of pounds scrolled away in the bank and never once offered to help. Now I have children of my own, I can't imagine ever seeing them so hard up and having the money to help but deciding not to.

You can always just house clearance it. Sounds harsh but I know people who’ve done this when they just couldn’t face it. It smarts, definitely, and there must be some resentment there if you’ve been lumbered with a job you didn’t necessarily sign up for or want.

I grew up in awful poverty, one of 3 children of pre-war born parents. My dad began to earn a bit more when I was in the 3nd half of my teens (and we finally moved from a 2 bed house with no bathroom to a 3 bed council house when I was 16) and my younger brother- 9 years my junior - benefited from that, with a lot more spent on him. I never begrudge him a penny of that.

Clearing out my parents' house (a 2 bed rented bungalow - they were never able to own property) after Dad died, I was just sad at how little they'd had. Dad left some savings to us but I really wished they'd spent it on themselves when Mum was alive.

@DazedorBemused i hired two skips when j was clearing my parents house. Absolute game changer and not too expensive!

I am old and have a lot of stuff which will need to be cleared when I die. I have said to my DC to get in a house clearance company and not to feel at all obliged to sort through things or keep anything for sentimental reasons. But what I will not do is the Swedish 'death cleansing' thing of getting rid of my books and clothes and ornaments and sit in a conveniently empty house just waiting to die!

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again

I am your age and at Uni at the same time and I did not need to work two term time jobs. Grants were being phased out, so you got at least some money and student loans were cheap. No tuition fees. I never had a job in the term time but I did get jobs in the summer holidays. I lived in a small room in a not very nice flat to live cheaply. I live largely within my means and Ieft uni with about 3k of debt. I got nothing at all from my parents, who could not have afforded to give me anything anyway.

So they were poor when they were young but in later life when they had a bit more money, they treated themselves to nice Christmas decorations and porcelain?

Is that so bad?

Could you not get rid of some stuff though? My DF has just gone into residential care and has left a mammoth task for us that he seemed to find funny.... There's a world of difference between sitting in an empty house or having a loft filled with old toasters, TV's, hoovers, bits of fabric, magazines etc. It's quite onerous to leave to someone else to organise the whole disposal of it all imo. I have the Swedish Death Cleansing book and agree that it does go too far but there's a happy medium to be found I think

What made me sad when clearing out my MIL’s house was finding all the lovely things we’d given her as Christmas and birthday presents had never been opened or used. She had that keeping things for best mentality.

Something I’ve learned from clearing houses after relatives have died is that generally stuff is just stuff. The amount of time my grandmother spent fretting about her antiques, who was going to inherit what, whether people would fall out over it…and all together it was worth about £50 and it cost more to clear the house than anything was worth. Enjoy your possessions but don’t assume they’ll be worth anything to anyone else.

OP, in your parents’ case it sounds as if this has all triggered something about you feeling unsupported generally. Sorry you are going through this.

I feel you, OP, on many levels. UnMumsnetty hugs x

That kind of spending was, I think, quite common amongst people who had been through serious financial hardship.

My grandmother had clothes she’d never worn; unused (still boxed) dinner services; collectible wall plates etc.

I honestly believe that it was more the experience of going into a department store and the staff serving her, without her worrying about payment that was the draw- the respect she believed she got for having money.

For some others, they refuse to spend, in case the money was to suddenly disappear.

The psychology of attitude to money is fascinating.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Anger is part of the grieving process, which is probably heightening the unfairness you’re feeling.

💐

Swedish death cleaning is growing is popularity. When my mum
passed away I took some sentimental things and paid for house clearance. I did not have the emotional, mental or physical energy for it.

I can sympathise

I cleared a family home a couple of years ago
The property was full of "stuff" which belonged to lots of other deceased people.
One person still living

I found ithe clearing emotionally difficult
The anger, the sadness, the happy memories

However we made sections

Stuff to keep
Stuff to recycle
Stuff to sell
Stuff to the rubbish
Stuff to give away

It took a lot of time & energy, especially as we did not live locally