To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

[DazedorBemused]

I've just cleared another carload of stuff from my parents attic. They were born either side of WW2, and talked. Talked so much about rationing, poverty, striking, unions, etc.
My brother was occasionally ill as a child. To compensate he had fancy Lego, computers when they first came out, hand held video games.
The contrast between his pricy toys and my enjoy your family board game type stuff is obvious.
Then my parents got into collecting stuff - porcelain, dinner services, up scaled their Christmas decorations again and again.

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again.

It is so hard. I did my dad's and now I'm doing my mum's. Neither had much money so there are no financial resentments to have. I am however struggling with the meaning of my mum's stuff. She kept beautiful (but not expensive or worth anything at all in many cases) things, reflecting her love of nature and family. She kept diaries so there are countless one's full of history her's and ours and her parents. I'm finding it hard as it feels like a treasure trove of memories and just all feels to special (to her and loved by her). I'm surprised as we were never close and she has dementia now so maybe it is helping me to understand her and feel close to her now. To me it feels like the 'right' things to leave/have had attachments to and consequently I'm finding it hard to discard her treasures. My MIL on the other hand has loads of money and a house that i know is full of collectibles and antiques she has stressed over in a financiall fixated way, and boxes of unopened perfume, clothes and shoes. As others have said It's made me determined not to leave these sorts of jobs to my children. It is hugely stressful. At least my dad died when I was younger, had more energy and less committment's. Organising my mum's dementia care (and a lot of care as her life unravelled in the run up to it) and now dealing with her 'stuff' has bought me to my knees at a time when I am generally overwhelmed by lifes pressures as a woman in middle age with still young kids.

Agree op stop martyring yourself.

This! Unless you are lying about your age OP then you're certainly far better off than recent generations, as your parents generation were better off too before you.

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis that is awful, and horrible memories to have. You have a lot of grace to have been treated like that and to have the attitude you do about it all ♥️

In relation only to the house-clearing: my exH died a few months ago and our two sons had the house cleared by a company and I'd recommend to others to do this.

My sons took obvious things like TV, laptop, photos, expensive rugs etc and let the clearers take the rest. It was done in one day and included garage contents, clothes, crockery, bedding, and other 'junk' that accumulates over the years.

I've seen friends run ragged clearing out parents' houses and diligently going though wardrobes etc - it's a thankless task.

Because it doesn't sell quickly and charity shops end up taking it to landfill anyway

Parts from certain collectible sets, like Eternal Beau etc, may be eBayed or sold to specialists who sell individual items to people who broke a saucer, or need the cruet set to make their dinner table collection, but storing stuff like that costs more money than the charity receives

Look at the shelves of any charity shop, they are chock full of bric a brac, 21st birthday medals, 40th anniversary champagne flutes, knick knacks, tchotchkes, part tea sets where a couple of cups are missing, dinner sets and look - no one is buying them

This is all the wasted money that could have been put to better use - This is what the OP is so angry about - this useless stuff cost someone £££££s and now can't be given away as four for a £1

If there is a house to sell, or lots of savings in the Estate then it can be well worth it. For all sorts of reasons.

We used British Heart Foundation to clear My Mum's flat. Granted it was a small flat, so a big house would cost a lot more - but worth every penny of the £400 it cost us in 2022.

Not for everyone, of course, but it is an option worth considering.

I don't blame people who don't have the energy - mentally and physically - for this. Or the space to store it.

My parents are going through their stuff at the moment. I need to thank them again.

My dad will likely die soon and he was a borderline hoarder, there are 4 rooms in the house plus the attic that are full to the brim of his ‘collections’. Some of them include very valuable stuff. But my mum will be in the position of having to get rid of these things whilst still working four days. And some of it it’s like, how do you even go about selling this without being a collector with intimate knowledge yourself? And that’s before you get to the utter crap. It’s a real ball ache.

When my Grandad died we used Google lens (and Ebay has the same sort of tool )to see if things were worth bothering with selling. We found out information on some of the items because people were also selling them and did know all the info about them. Hth 😊

Many of the comments resonate with me. I have been sorting through my late DM things. My dad often says, that’s worth money when referring to trinkets and old collectables. The reality is they are worth little. To my parents something worth money is maybe £20/£30. There’s so much ‘stuff’ and nothing was ever moved on when there was no need for it anymore. It’s a never ending stream of dinner services, costume jewellery and ornaments.

Why do some posters insist on these bad faith responses?

I am 50 too and went to university in 1993-6. Grants were only available to low income families (£666 a term for autumn and spring and £555 for summer). Parents were expected to step in otherwise. Student loans were available (I think around £900 for the year) but it wasn't enough to live off. So yes, if you didn't qualify for a grant (and often even if you did) and your parents didn't step up, then you had to work to pay your way through university. Even in 1993, living off just over £2K a year wasn't really possible.

Gen X isn't better off than the previous generation. And the rules for financing your way through university were different from now in that they depended much more heavily on parents funding their children.

My mum died a few years ago and the house is full of her stuff, the loft especially, as she liked stuff and something may come in useful one day 🤦‍♀️.

But none of this stuff is worth anything and it's all just a pain to get rid of as no one wants these type of old fashioned lamps, pots, tea sets, China wall plates and dinner sets!

I personally can't stand wall plates!

Don't throw out the computer games! Even an old Nintendo game boy is worth like £60. Google lens is your friend for instant antique and goods valuing.

Not sure what Swedish death cleaning means but my DM (81) has started to sell things she knows are of value . She said she can help Us now, during her life, rather than after her death
DM has advised Me to take anything that I wish to keep, and I will ask other relatives if they would like anything special, and to leave the whole rest of it to House Clearance.

sorry -didn't mean to quote the above.

I feel,your pain OP. I've spent the last 4 years sorting out my mums accumulation of belongings as well as being a taxi service to all her medical appointments and a mouthpiece for her at them as she would go selectively deaf whenever it suited her.

First I had to clear and sell her house when she downsized to a retirement flat, then clearing the flat when she moved to a care home, then clearing that room after her death. She accumulated so much junk and clutter every time. The last year I've been sorting out her estate. She had many, many accounts and shares and bonds most only worth a few hundred pounds but it all needs dealing with and the paperwork has been a nightmare.

The worst thing was that she seemed to think it was a privilege to do this - on a par with looting Tutankhamon's tomb. In fact it was sacks of old clothes and perished fabrics, thousands of unread books, innumerable cans of out of date chopped tomatoes, over 100 umbrellas, out of date electronics, a cupboard crammed with old yoghurt pots, paraffin heaters, bin bags full of moth-eaten balls of wool. The list is endless. I made innumerable trips to the tip with the stuff we literally couldn't give away.

As one PP has mentioned there were boxes of gifts we'd bought her over the years, chosen with love and care and put away unused. That stung.

Unlike you I have inherited some money from her so ' Yay - Lucky me'. My brothers and sisters who live a long way off and did fuck all over the years (didn't even visit) get exactly the same amount. They really are the lucky ones. None of the hassle and emotional load but all of the money.

You are nit getting it. They were all “the war years! And ratiining!” For her needs snd “whopee anything goes” for her brother and themselves. She is recognizing that she was treated as though she wasn’t a treasured member if the family. And now, once again, she gets the shit job.

That sounds tough but there's nothing to be gained by being resentful about it, it doesn't help you. Wishing you good luck with the rest of the sorting and hope you can overcome the feelings of hurt.

@Namechangefordaughterevasion

The worst thing was that she seemed to think it was a privilege to do this - on a par with looting Tutankhamon's tomb.
😆

This is also very much what I remember, though I'm slightly amazed you can remember the exact figures.
I also remember uni halls being 550 per term part-catered. So once you'd paid for a roof over your head and 2 meals a day during term you had essentially nothing left for the remaining food, clothes, textbooks, transport or supporting yourself outside uni terms.
My parents seemed to think they were doing me a huge favour by matching what would have been provided by the state as a matter of course if they hadn't been extremely comfortably off.
I worked supermarket jobs, then in due course got something in one of the uni labs. DP worked in pubs and nursing homes. All badly paid, exploitative. No minimum wage in those days, and in our part of the country you were lucky to get more than £2.50 per hour.

Those figures are stuck in my head for some reason - can't remember my own pin number but can remember that! Probably because I spent so much of those years worrying about money!

That’s so sad 😞

Oh God, the decorative plate collections - not fit for food use, only good for looking at and chipped around the edges by those damaging, spring plate hangers

Dogs, cats, seasons, calendars, wildlife of different countries - the owners of these things were gulled into spending a fucking fortune on a subscription for plates which couldn't be used as plates

Now available for about £1 or £2.50 in a charity shop near you, sometimes in their original packaging

Our inlaws are the same. Given a whopping house deposit lump sum by their parents, who also paid for the renovations. They are wealthy but told us don’t expect us to help you. We didn’t and we don’t because we know they are selfish.

Getting a skip might be therapeutic.