To be so angry sorting out my parents stuff

[DazedorBemused]

I've just cleared another carload of stuff from my parents attic. They were born either side of WW2, and talked. Talked so much about rationing, poverty, striking, unions, etc.
My brother was occasionally ill as a child. To compensate he had fancy Lego, computers when they first came out, hand held video games.
The contrast between his pricy toys and my enjoy your family board game type stuff is obvious.
Then my parents got into collecting stuff - porcelain, dinner services, up scaled their Christmas decorations again and again.

I'm sorting through all this stuff and finding receipts for expensive trivial stuff in the early 90s when I was at uni, working two term time jobs and full-time in the holidays and I'm a 50 year old woman upset at having to go to the tip again.

Having had the sole responsibility for clearing my mums council bungalow, despite having 5 siblings, my husband and I decided to have a thorough clear out so our two adult children don’t have to do this. It is such a therapeutic thing to do and I would encourage any retired parents to get on and do this. Your kids will thank you.

Yes I think actively trying to declutter is a good and positive thing to do. Sorry you seem to have had no family support from your multiple siblings.

I'm 56, and a girl in my year didn't go to university till she was 25, as her parents wouldn't pay. Well off family, paid for both he brothers though.

I'm 56, and a girl in my year didn't go to university till she was 25, as her parents wouldn't pay. Well off family, paid for both he brothers though.

That was exactly the case of my old friend.
She worked in a hospital 40 years ago full-time as a secretary and studied at night for years.
She met and married a very well off consultant and they paid for their own wedding.

He referenced her need to work to put herself through college and how if she hadn't done so they wouldn't have met, and how proud he was of her and how hard she had worked for years to do so.

Her parents were mortified and furious as they were comfortably off and were delighted with her match.

My friend had always been less than as the only girl in the family and happily lives her long marriage to her lovely husband, with the lowest of contact with her parents 40 years on.

Both of her brothers never amounted to much despite having been students for years, never working part-time all those years.
They both did a lot of weed during their college years.

She believes her parents inadvertently did her a huge favour.

Working during university is a non negotiable in this house.

Why is your entire post referencing “feelings” like this? It reminds me of people who apologise by saying “I’m sorry you feel that way”. The OP does not feel she was overlooked or under prioritised - she was. It’s a fact, not a feeling. And her parents are cruel for leaving her to sort all their stuff out like this.

Your relatives sound like pricks. Have you thought about leaving everything to a friend who's nicer to you than they are?

It's a horrible job @DazedorBemused . I've had to do it several times now, once was a complete hoard. My only suggestion woukd be to see if any of your brother's fancy toys are still there, as they might be worth a bit on eBay. And if he's not helping, don't tell him.

They're not that bad, but I understand that they've already been through clearing out their parents' houses etc. (No hoarders, though.)

I am a bit hurt about the Direct Funeral hints, thought that's possibly daft of me. Since I first posted the above, two of my cousins have said that they'll come to my funeral. I believe them - they've been pretty good at attending family funerals. One of them is the only cousin who (like me) attended family funerals down in England. Those two both attended my husband's funeral. A third attended because his elder brother told him that they were both going to support me.

I'm thinking of appointing a nephew through marriage as my executor. I've not known him all his life, but he's a nice lad. (It's complicated - a real 'Long Lost Family' story.) He also attended my husband's funeral and then looked after me at a family wedding on my husband's side.

@DazedorBemused I notice this thread has resurfaced. Just wondering if you were still on here and if so, how you were getting on?

It took me 9 months to clear enough to feel confident that house clearence could come in and finish it off. Was heartbreaking and frustrating in equal measure.

Hope you are doing ok.

Interesting to see this almost exactly a year down the line.
I now feel fairly numb about the whole thing. The relentless decision making, physicality, and the time taken, snuffed out any positive or sad emotions.
My parents lives are now mostly marked by platitudes to well meaning enquires rather any depth of feelings.

In contrast a friend who lost her similar 'product of his times' father has taken almost a year to grieve and moved through lots of emotions but she didn't get involved in the chattels side of things.

We continue to streamline our own home, not buying too much or hanging onto old hobbies or tools.
I'm tackling photos and books this year so that we can enjoy what we want to have while we have it.

Thanks for stopping by and enquiring, I really did appreciate all the input.

I’m in a similar position to you and have similar feelings. I’m trying to clear a flat (after clearing/moving stuff from a 4 bed house two years previously).
Im sad that my dad has gone but slightly overwhelmed by the amount of things to be done and stuff to dispose of.
Im not grieving - he was 96 and we weren’t very close - but I am allowing myself a year to get through everything before I make any big decisions about my life. The process of tidying up the end of a life is relentless and I’m going through all my things with my children regularly so that they at least have an idea.

@WearyAuldWumman don't appoint your nephew as executor - it's a huge, onerous and thankless task for no reward (unless you're leaving everything to him?). Why would you dump that on him? A friend had to spend 6 years (yes) sorting out his cousin's estate. The first thing I would do if anyone ever had the cheek to appoint me as executor would be to renounce it officially. Just get a solicitor to do it.

..

Nail on the head. Unless the executor is going to get A LOT of the money as a significant beneficiary, it's completely unfair to put the burden on them as it's a time consuming and thankless job. The executors should really be the main beneficiaries as then there's a "reward" for the hard work they'll have to do.

I've acted as executor several times for close family and it's been a pain in the neck, but as it was myself and/or very close family who were the beneficiaries, then it was worth the effort.

I've been asked a few times if I'd do it for friends and distant family and I've always said no and suggested they just appoint their solicitor instead if they've got no one else closer to them who were willing to do it.

The generation born after the war suffered from an education system which systematically discriminated against the majority of 'ordinary',people. Ending hope of advancement for the majority at 10 or 11 by making up to 80 percent leave school at 15 with little hope of gaining O levels let alone A levels or higher education. I had 56 in my class in a good area of Manchester.My cousin (uncertificated) taught 90 in Salford. There was a desperate shortage of teachers, not helped by there war insistence on sacking married teachers. No women could get loans, higher purchase or mortgages. Banks usually sacked women who married for decades after WW2. Until 1980s women were systematically discriminated against in Higher Education. So approximately one a tenth of places in Oxbridge for women v men. Medical schools had restrictions on the number of women able to train. No abortions, marital rape accepted. As a historian your ignorance is astounding!

Not sure any of that is relevant when talking about the relative wealth and home ownership of the boomers.

We are quite reasonable to feel great disappointment at our parents choice to let us struggle whilst they bought tat

I would never want my dc to struggle if I could help. Not help to the point of facilitating helplessness but the OP struggling through uni with 2 jobs so her studies would potentially be affected whilst the parents were buying tat is a very hard pill to swallow as it suggests they didn’t really even think or care.
And always having a reason to explain why you never got nice stuff whilst your sibling did is also something that tells a story. Sends a message. Suggesting the OP is not reasonable to feel aggrieved is completely lacking in empathy and understanding of human behaviour

Because simplifying the situation of 'boomers' born between 1946 and 1960 falsifies the reality of many, who had few educational opportunities before Comprehensive schools were brought in.

There is a significant diversity eg in their experience of old age. Men in Richmond live 17.5 years longer than men in Tower Hamlets; Women in Wokingham 15.5 years longer than women in Manchester.

19% of men and 37% of women aged 55-65 have NO private pension provision.
24% still rent. 1in 4 have caring responsibilities. 29% of 65-74 volunteer.

Worse still, the equalities which the younger generations take for granted, equal pay for women, sick pay, maternity leave, security at work, health and safety rules, the right to join a Union etc etc were fought for by the older generations you despise. They're the ones who're sacked for asking for compensation for accidents at work, equal pay, the right to strike etc etc. and sent years in dire poverty as a result.

There has never been a truer saying than ' a people who don't know their own history is doomed to relive it.'

You should do it - and leave him everything.

@WearyAuldWumman we've had Mumsnet meetups, wedding witnesses, lost toy retrievals and blankets for those in need of a hug.
With our aging demographic it can't be long till I start rocking up at funerals with my long run of usernames as a badge to pay tribute to those who've kept me company over the years online.

Count me in.

Depending on how much her pension is and what you get for the house, a care annuity package could be beneficial.

Apologies for the post I just made, I didn't realise this was a year old post as still in 2025 mode.

This is around the 10th zombie thread I have noticed over this past few days. No posts for 6 months or more, and someone posts and bumps it back up again. I don't know why this is happening. There were no posts on this thread for nearly a year, and someone posted on it again/bumped it back up a few days ago.

Weird.

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