Greediness or normalcy

[UrLov3ly]

So I have been living with my bf at his mom’s place for a year with the intent of moving out within a couple months to a year. I am grateful we have a roof over our head don’t get me wrong, but I pay rent. Plus I’m the only adult paying rent. Besides my bfs mom. So I wasn’t expecting problems to really arise or occur. After things change and plans change, we have no way of moving out within the time frame we placed. His mom is nice, super nice when you don’t get on her bad side. I haven’t really done anything to make her dislike me other than maybe the slight annoyance that I don’t answer her texts or phone calls like my bf does (her son), or buy her food when she cooks dinner for me mainly every night. I don’t agree with decisions she has made regarding her older son and just allowing him to stay with us. Even though illegal “things” seem to follow everywhere they ( my bfs brother ) go. My question really is that am I greedy or selfish when my bf asks me if I can buy his mom dinner when him and I eat out. I 99% of the time say no because I don’t want to buy another meal for another person no matter the cost. I have bought her dinner before but I rarely ever do. So am I wrong in deciding what to do with my money that I earn. Even though she prepares dinner ready when I’m home from work. I have said that I can make my own meals. She insists because she says she’s a good person and dosent have the need to fight over food. She pretty much always shares. I am looked at as the bad guy because I don’t want to buy her dinner. Most of the time she even says she’s not hungry, she’s already ate her own dinner. It makes me mad when she does those things and then when my bf and I are cooking she comes to the kitchen and asks if we can share because she’s hungry. I automatically don’t want to share, I understand that is selfish in ways. Although she already told us she wasn’t hungry. So now she changes her mind and guilts my bf into sharing food.

This is a pretty messed up situation all round.

If she cooks for you most nights and you don’t contribute to the cost of food, or ever cook for her, then yes, that’s pretty rude and unfair of you.

I also don’t see why you should get a say in whether her older children live in her home with her - or how that’s relevant to cooking or sharing food costs!

Why isn’t your bf paying rent or buying her a meal? When will he be rectifying his financial situation?

Yes if you are very down the line you have no obligation to buy her a meal. However you are living together as an extended family and she cooks you dinner every night (I realise it’s her choice but people expect generosity to be reciprocated). It would be decent to buy her a meal sometimes at least.

It sounds like you see yourself as a lodger with no obligation to her because you pay rent, whereas she sees you all as family.

You need to agree boundaries and expectations with your bf. And btw if he is not financially self sufficient no way would I be staying with him.

The situation will remain a big mess unless you leave.

Move out.
Does your boyfriend work?

I do sorta agree with you. I don't contribute to food cost but in a way the money I give her for rent she uses that to buy groceries for everyone in the house and or uses the money I give her for any of her other bills.

It's my first time on this app so I appreciate the feedback. just me seeing my "comments" shows me some tips and tricks for my next post.

Also I did struggle with the idea of her older son living with us because he dosent pull his own weight. He doesn't clean and he does drugs. Now that he's back on drugs he Isant paying rent. He is chaotic and violent and just all around makes me uncomfortable. You're right he's not my family and I don't have a say, which is why I say nothing about it. I complain a bit to my bf but he normally starts the conversation so I just but in.

The reason I feel more annoyed that he's there is because when I first moved in I was spoken to about how i have to pay rent and be respectful. My bfs older brother who does what he wants is disrespectful and dosent pay anything all of a sudden brings his girlfriend to move in for free. To where I'm still the only one paying rent. My bfs brother also says I do things that I haven't done because he can't remember the messes or damages he creates because he's so high.

Yes I agree with you 1000% I don't know why I feel this way. I do understand being generous is valid! She does give me meals and I just end up not wanting to share.

My bf has been jobless for a while. He can't seem to hold a job which is not entirely his fault. When he was working he would pay his mom rent and then buy his mom dinner when him and I go out but only because he knew I would say no to buying her food. Whenever he seems to lose his job, she pays all of his bills and cooks and everything for him also. I have offered to buy her food a couple times, and she said it's fine she'll eat leftovers. So should I feel guilty I said no to her tonight? lol

My bf and I have had many arguments but have talked through them. I'm just hoping he can be consistent

Uhhhh he has provided before but has been struggling to find a job. I don't hold it against him because he is trying very hard to find work

I guess the difficulty is, it’s your boyfriend’s mum’s family home. If she wants to let her kids live there rent free, that’s her decision. If you don’t like it, you can always find somewhere else to live. Where rent probably won’t include bills and food shopping and being cooked for most nights. 🤷‍♀️

You all need to get clear on roles and boundaries. You are behaving as though you’re a sibling who’s not being treated fairly, but also a lodger with no personal connection to your landlady and no obligation to basic politeness / reciprocation of generosity.

Do you have rental agreement with her, that says what is covered by the money you pay? Did she ever explicitly say that your rent would also include food, bills, and cooking? Or have you just assumed this?

What sort of in-law relationship do you hope to have with her in the future if you begrudge her a meal even when she’s been cooking for you for so long?

And why don’t you answer her texts and phone calls? That is rude af when you’re living in her house and eating her home cooked food! Jesus wept.

Wow, you don't come across well here at all.

I don’t agree with decisions she has made regarding her older son and just allowing him to stay with us.
She is allowing her son to stay with her. It's not your house so it's not an "us".

Plus I’m the only adult paying rent.
So, it's fine that your BF doesn't pay rent but a problem that his brother doesn't pay rent?

she cooks dinner for me mainly every night
Yet you won't let her share your food when you make it (or pay for her when going out)?

I would not be happy if my boyfriend was letting me pay our part of the rent on my own. I would try to move out as soon as possible it not fair on you or your mother in law. She is cooking and using money you give for shopping and it's nice that she cooks for you also.She needs to make everyone pay equally she might be struggling if doing shopping for all. Who pays for the utility bills?

You haven’t given any indications of ages but you sound quite young , if you have your own family , parents and a home there I would say move back home , get some savings from your wages and find yourself a new bf as this one and his family sound pretty much disfunctional and hard work

Tbh, you all sound pretty immature.

You don't get to decide what goes on in her house - it is her house, not yours, wind your neck in.

If you are eating food she provides for you, then yes you should reciprocate. If you do not want to, then don't eat any of the food she provides, ever.

If you offer a meal when you are cooking, and she declines, then it's reasonable to not offer again if you have only cooked enough for you/you and your boyfriend - but just tell her 'I am cooking tonight, if you want some please say so now as otherwise I will not have enough to share.' Then stick to that.

Ultimately you can't alter how other people behave, you're only in control of how you behave.

Umm what are the reasons your bf can't hold down a job?

You're no where near at a place to move in together, and even if he does find a job and you move out, how long will it be before he loses the job and all financial responsibility falls on you? How long can you realistically expect to live with his Mum?

If you're wanting to settle down with someone, this doesn't sound like the ideal man IMO.

His Mum cooks for you, you should reciprocate. If you're cooking and she says she doesn't want any, double confirm by saying "Are you sure, because I'm only going to make enough for 2 otherwise?" I can absolutely understand your annoyance when she turns down the meal, then changes her mind. But, I wouldn't say no to my MIL because she would do the same for me.

If you're eating out, I wouldn't expect to be buying an extra meal to take home to Mum.

You have absolutely zero say in who lives in that house or her decisions as a parent. Even if the brother's gf moves in rent free (admittedly very annoying) it's not your business.

This relationship sounds doomed tbh. It's all a bit of a mess.

Her house her rules. Move out.

How much rent are you paying?

I'm not really following why you would buy her dinner when you eat out? Does this mean a ready meal or actually bringing her a takeaway from the restaurant? Surely you can just tell her you're going out tonight and won't want dinner. Then she can just cook for her and her son accordingly.

When we lived with MIL we paid her a good amount of rent (she lived in a council house so our rent literally covered 100% of her actual rent plus about £100 on top of that). So she included meals too, but we'd let her know if we were eating or having takeaway that night and if we were, she would make her own meal. If she was having takeaway we'd either join her (and pay for our own food) or cook for ourselves. She cooked about 4 times a week i maybe cooked about 2 times a week - but then I was getting home later at about 7-8pm most nights.

I think you need to offer to cook twice a week at least to restore the balance of chores and possibly expense within the home.

Also is this a man you actually want to stay with? Why can't he hold down a job? He seems to be regularly unemployed. I wouldn't want to enter a tenancy agreement or a mortgage with someone like that.

I feel like we need to hear these reasons.

Why don't you leave your boyfriend and leave the house and bad situation. Is that a possibility.

You only live once. Why choose to live like this? What would happen if you get married and have kids. It's always going to be hard work with your boyfriend. I'd rather be on my own.

Rent — one thing.
Food — a whole other thing.

@UrLov3ly are you particularly young? You are being very rude, selfish and immature. You are not this woman's child, she is doing you a big favour and you are throwing it back in her face.

To be clear, definitely greediness.

I think the OP is american - it is not remotely unusual for people to bring home a boxed meal from a restaurant for someone who didn't eat with the rest of the party - it's also possible they're just going out to collect food and bring it back, same as we do in the UK.

And (just as here, though I've never understood how they afford it) there are a lot of people who rarely cook for themselves and live on snack food and takeaways almost all the time!

How old are you?
You do sound immature and selfish. I bet your rent barely covers your costs, definitely not your feckless boyfriends costs! (Why can't he hold down a job? RED FLAG!)
Buy the poor woman a meal once in a while and a box of chocolates/bunch of flowers wouldn't go unnoticed either I bet.

A lot of growing up is required in that house.
Not by the BFs mother - she has generously opened her house yet is getting ingratitude and rudeness in return