Greediness or normalcy

[UrLov3ly]

So I have been living with my bf at his mom’s place for a year with the intent of moving out within a couple months to a year. I am grateful we have a roof over our head don’t get me wrong, but I pay rent. Plus I’m the only adult paying rent. Besides my bfs mom. So I wasn’t expecting problems to really arise or occur. After things change and plans change, we have no way of moving out within the time frame we placed. His mom is nice, super nice when you don’t get on her bad side. I haven’t really done anything to make her dislike me other than maybe the slight annoyance that I don’t answer her texts or phone calls like my bf does (her son), or buy her food when she cooks dinner for me mainly every night. I don’t agree with decisions she has made regarding her older son and just allowing him to stay with us. Even though illegal “things” seem to follow everywhere they ( my bfs brother ) go. My question really is that am I greedy or selfish when my bf asks me if I can buy his mom dinner when him and I eat out. I 99% of the time say no because I don’t want to buy another meal for another person no matter the cost. I have bought her dinner before but I rarely ever do. So am I wrong in deciding what to do with my money that I earn. Even though she prepares dinner ready when I’m home from work. I have said that I can make my own meals. She insists because she says she’s a good person and dosent have the need to fight over food. She pretty much always shares. I am looked at as the bad guy because I don’t want to buy her dinner. Most of the time she even says she’s not hungry, she’s already ate her own dinner. It makes me mad when she does those things and then when my bf and I are cooking she comes to the kitchen and asks if we can share because she’s hungry. I automatically don’t want to share, I understand that is selfish in ways. Although she already told us she wasn’t hungry. So now she changes her mind and guilts my bf into sharing food.

It's not okay that my bf Isant paying rent. I guess you're right I don't have a say. Which if why I don't say anything. She just always says she's going to kick them out and she hates them ( my bfs brother and his gf ) living here also. So that's why I don't agree with her letting her older son live here because herself goes back on her word everyday.

She's pays for everything. I pay 400$ a month. She rents this house and that's the only money she gets for help

I'm actually 27. My bf is 28 and his older brother is 46 years old. Their mom is 65?

Well he is a hard worker and has been fired from most of his places of work. I struggled with the concept at first like how can I be with him if he's not financially stable.

I'm 27 and my bf is 28. Her older son is 46.

I'm 27 and my bf is 28. Her older son is 46 and that's ultimately why it's annoying. But I do buy her things for her

Well he is a hard worker and has been fired from most of his places of work.

Then he is not a good worker and it will be the same story for the rest of his life. And yours if you stay with him.

If he'd been made redundant from most places I might have some sympathy (though it's stretching bad luck) but being fired means he has a bad attitude when he's there, or doesn't turn up, or has his hand in the till, or something equally bad.

He is NOT a hard worker. Hard workers don't keep being fired.

Throw him back unless you want to be tied to him and his mother and acting as their personal ATM.

If he's so hardworking, why are they firing him? It's likely he's telling you he's working hard, but isn't!

And yet your boyfriend will also be living in his mother’s house too when he’s 46.

Is the brother annoying you so much because you know you’re looking at your boyfriend’s future — middle-aged, unemployed, unemployable?

That’s really bad, this woman is kind enough to let you live in her home. And you think as you pay rent to do so, this means you can behave in such a selfish manner,

you need to move out. This isn’t ok. She can chose who lives in her house, and home her son, and your boyfriend is right, buying her an occasional meal or sharing when she does so much for you shouldn’t be something you resent.

leave.

What makes you think he's a hard worker?

There is clearly something that makes him a bad worker. His attitude? His punctuality?

People who are hard working won't get repeatedly fired. They might be unfortunate to be made redundant if a company is over staffed but not fired.

Op you really need to move out. You’ve been there longer than you said and she’s obviously getting annoyed. I think the least you can do is be generous with meals, buy her a meal every now and then, share your food. She’s being generous letting you live there paying a small amount of rent and cooking for you. Even if you don’t want to just suck it up and share.

Does your BF contribute to the household and buy his Mum dinner occasionally?

If the answer is yes then I think it would be reasonable for you to do the same sometimes

If the answer is no then your BF is clearly a CF and you have more problems than his Mum disliking you. LTB!

How can you be with someone who is financially unstable? This whole thing sounds like a shitshow - give your head a wobble, especially if you want your own family. Financial security is everything. I don't understand why you have set the bar so low, stop focusing in his mother, she's not the issue here.

My honest advice is: move out. Find another house share where things are more equal.

Or consider your own role in the house. This woman has 2 DC, of course she's not leaving them homeless.

As for the food, I somewhat agree with others, if you cook a meal, why not do a bit more and share it? After all you are benefiting from a cooked meal most days... so do the nice thing and don't even ask, just do.

Laughable that the seemingly only kind, welcoming decent person here (if wrong headed and weak when it comes to her sons) is getting it in the neck while the feckless boyfriend gets the mildest of rebukes. OP, maybe you deserve each other. And 400 dollars is nothing to be fed abd found even if others are paying less or nothing at all.

I think it’s unfair you are the only one of four adult lodgers paying into the household. Your money is being used for bills and food for everyone so I think you are paying a good share and shouldn’t feel guilty about not buying your BF’s mum a meal when you eat in a restaurant.

I would share when I cook at home though. Ask her if she wants and before you start and then cook quantities accordingly.

Four adult lodgers, do you mean the mother and her two sons?? And you’ve no idea how much the op is paying and if it even covers her share of the rent, as well as her food, and her share of the utilities she uses.

If you don't like it then move out, rent & pay the normal market rate for everything including food & utilities like everyone else. You don't get to dictate who lives in the house just because you pay rent.

Also, you need to show gratitude occasionally to someone who cooks for you. Otherwise you're a controlling cheeky fucker who takes and takes but gives nothing back.

The 4 adults lodgers are the 2 sons and their 2 girlfriends, one of whom is OP. The OP pays $400, but we have no idea what proportion of the household costs that represents.

The point is that the OP was asked to pay an amount to cover her lodging, which she does every month.

Have you ever had a lodger? Did you take money from them every month and then call them demanding they feed you as well?

It’s 400, it will barely cover her. And the mother isn’t demanding.

what an odd comment,

What odd comprehension you have. The mum asked for 400, so she’s getting it. If she wants more, she needs to ask for it.

And yes, the mum does ask for food, see below.

It makes me mad when she does those things and then when my bf and I are cooking she comes to the kitchen and asks if we can share because she’s hungry. I automatically don’t want to share, I understand that is selfish in ways. Although she already told us she wasn’t hungry. So now she changes her mind and guilts my bf into sharing food.

If I was the mum I would throw everyone out, but she can’t agree to a lodging amount and then also expect to eat takeout when OP buys it.

She’s not saying she wants more? The son is saying she should occasionally treat the mum as way of thanks and share when they cook and she’s hungry, considering all the mum is doing for her, I think this is a small ask. I can’t imagine deciding I didn’t want to share.

but honestly you think barely covering your own costs, getting your dinner cooked for you every night, your shopping bought, isn’t worth that and it’s too much to ask to let her have some food when cooking then you do you

I mean the two adult sons and their girlfriends. I do know how much the OP pays because she told us in an update. I assume this amount was suggested or at least agreed by the mum as part of the terms for moving in.

HTH