Greediness or normalcy

[UrLov3ly]

So I have been living with my bf at his mom’s place for a year with the intent of moving out within a couple months to a year. I am grateful we have a roof over our head don’t get me wrong, but I pay rent. Plus I’m the only adult paying rent. Besides my bfs mom. So I wasn’t expecting problems to really arise or occur. After things change and plans change, we have no way of moving out within the time frame we placed. His mom is nice, super nice when you don’t get on her bad side. I haven’t really done anything to make her dislike me other than maybe the slight annoyance that I don’t answer her texts or phone calls like my bf does (her son), or buy her food when she cooks dinner for me mainly every night. I don’t agree with decisions she has made regarding her older son and just allowing him to stay with us. Even though illegal “things” seem to follow everywhere they ( my bfs brother ) go. My question really is that am I greedy or selfish when my bf asks me if I can buy his mom dinner when him and I eat out. I 99% of the time say no because I don’t want to buy another meal for another person no matter the cost. I have bought her dinner before but I rarely ever do. So am I wrong in deciding what to do with my money that I earn. Even though she prepares dinner ready when I’m home from work. I have said that I can make my own meals. She insists because she says she’s a good person and dosent have the need to fight over food. She pretty much always shares. I am looked at as the bad guy because I don’t want to buy her dinner. Most of the time she even says she’s not hungry, she’s already ate her own dinner. It makes me mad when she does those things and then when my bf and I are cooking she comes to the kitchen and asks if we can share because she’s hungry. I automatically don’t want to share, I understand that is selfish in ways. Although she already told us she wasn’t hungry. So now she changes her mind and guilts my bf into sharing food.

How much do you pay?

I wouldn't pay your food. I would ask you leave.

You sound young and entitled. You don't get to decide who lives in her house and you shouldn't be getting cooked for every night without reciprocating.

Move out.

So in a household of four people, the two women are paying for rent and food whilst the men do nothing.
Is this how you want your future to be ? Your BF is a loser, just move out and move on.

I think it depends on what you are paying tbh. Are you covering your increase in basic bills or more?

Whatever the case mil does not need to have you living there, she is being generous especially as you've been there much longer than expected. Mil is also supporting your bf which is a benefit to you aswell as your options are do limited.

Yes its selfish not to offer to buy mil a meal occasionally when she feeds you both every night.

You seem to view yourself and your bf separately in this situation as you pay rent and he doesn't but you are there as a couple.

Having said that look at this situation and work out where you want to be in 5- 10 years and whether your bf wants and can achieve the same.

You need to move out.

OP, I would leave asap. These people will keep using you.

Honestly OP, I would just find a place to rent on your own, split up with your boyfriend and move out. Do you want to be with someone long term who can't hold down a job?

I agree to finding somewhere else to live, without the bf. He is going to have no sense of urgency to sort out your own place while he is currently able to live rent and bill free and be looked after by mummy.
You are moaning about his brother but I am not sure you have got yourself a keeper - can't hold down a job for example, is there a reason behind this?
I think the best option you have is to focus on yourself and leave them to it.

This!!

You are an ungrateful scrounger who should have been shown the door long ago.

How is she the scrounger when she is paying rent to cover her share of bills and groceries and yet the family still expect her to buy the mum food?

The scroungers are OP’s deadbeat unemployed boyfriend and his druggy brother, who pay zero rent.

I haven’t really done anything to make her dislike me other than maybe the slight annoyance that I don’t answer her texts or phone calls like my bf does (her son),

What does this mean?

So basically the only two people in the household paying rent are the two women, one of whom also does all the cooking and grocery shopping, while the two men are feckless and jobless, and it’s the other woman you’re complaining about?

The whole set up sounds rotten. It’s not unreasonable to think you might buy a meal for his mum (who is doing you a huge favour) but ultimately nothing will improve until you leave. Your boyfriend sounds like dead loss. Just move out, get your own place and stand on your own two feet rather than staying caught up with your useless boyfriend, his useless brother and their poor put-upon mum.

They all sound like massive losers - dump the lot of them , move out , find someone that isn’t such a mummy boy and can hold down a job

This!

Why doesn't boyfriend who does not work cook for his partner and mum?

Where does she say that she pays enough to cover all of that?

Your biggest issue is your boyfriend. His lack of employment and being able to hold down a job for a significant amount of time. This is the fundamental change that needs to be made. As long as you are paying his Mum rent, he has no incentive to get or hold a job down. Honestly, I'd be moving into a house share, my own rental or back with my parents, until this had been resolved. What happens if eventually you do move out together into your own rental, and he keeps losing jobs (regardless of the reason)? You'll have no choice but to pay all the rent yourself (that you may not be able to afford), plus all the Bills! Yes, I have been in this position, with an ex boyfriend many years ago. I couldn't afford all the rent/Bills on my salary, and ended up having to ask my parents to pay his share - otherwise we'd have ended up in arrears. It's stressful and worrying. I ended the relationship, as I couldn't live like it.

Having a much younger woman in your house, who you didn't really get to choose, is going to be stressful. Especially when she doesn't want to cook shared meals but does want the freedom to use your kitchen to cook her own. (It's not great knowing that someone else could be taking over the kitchen to cook a whole meal just when you want it.) It's also stressful when one of your sons is a layabout drug user and the other one doesn't have a job (and I wonder if he contributes anything else to the household, especially given all the time he must have on his hands). You should count yourself lucky - I'm surprised she's tolerated you so well!

Do you earn enough to rent a room somewhere else by yourself?

This situation won’t change unless you change it for yourself.

Might be the motivation he needs to find a job if he sees you moving on.

So you don't contribute to food. She's given you a roof over your head. You delay in responding to her texts and your boyfriend doesn't have a job, you get mad over the thought of sharing your food and you don't want to share.

The both of you sound awful.

4 adults; you work, one is a druggie, one can't hold a job down, does mum work?
I'd be moving out, it sounds awful and stressful.

It’s not a race to the bottom, though, is it?

OP wanted to know if she was unreasonable, not if she was the least reasonable person in this whole bin fire of a situation.

Rent and groceries are two different things. If you were living elesewhere you would be paying rent and paying for groceries.

I think its selfish not to share when someone is gracious enough to cook your meals for you. I can't imagine noy sharing.

Her arrangement with other members of the house are also none of your business. It's also her business if she chooses to let your BF or his sibling stay rent free (your BF sounds utterly pathetic too by the way. Why would a grown son/daughter not contribute to the household )

You should move out if your uncomfortable and unhappy. You wouldnt have to see your BFs brother. You could cook all the meals you like. You can choose where to rent, pay for groceries and bills. You wont have to buy food or share with anyone else.

Don't take your BF with you if he doesnt work or can't prove he is self sufficient. Leave him where he is. You dont need him freeloading off you the way he does his mother.

I do answer them on occasion. She only calls me when my bf dosent answer his phone. If he dosent answer even one time and he answered her call the next time she is throwing a fit and acting like it's doomsday. I just come from a family where if we can't get a hold of someone we'll try a gain later, not blow up their phone because a text or call wasn't answered. So I just stay out of it and rather not be bothered by any of that.