Sex or lack of after birth

[winniethepop]

I am 3 months post partum and having a few stress incontinence issues which I'm seeing a physio for and doing kegals and it's slowly improving but it's making sex really difficult for me just now because although all has been fine so far I'm spending the entire time we do it hoping I don't leak and trying not to and hoping it's over soon just in case.
Dh is getting frustrated because it's child number 4 and we've always been back to normal straight away and he doesn't understand why we're not back on track yet even though he knows the situation but the added pressure of him constantly asking is literally killing my libido.

I'm 41 and just want to recover, I had a ventouse delivery and lots of painful stitches and he kept asking when, when, when and since the stitches have healed he just wants me to be back as we were but I'm feeling so pressured its making me dread bedtime and I'm worried I'll never actually enjoy it again if this is how it is, I feel like I'm just letting him and not enjoying it and feeling quite dirty after because deep down I just don't want to but I know he has needs too and I don't want him to look elsewhere.

He needs to back the fuck off. Coercing you into sex is rape. Your birth is so recent and your body (and mind) needs time to recover. His pestering and pressuring you is a sure fire way to put you off sex with him permanently.

What the fuck have I just read??

You pushed out a baby three months ago. He can wank until YOU are ready.

He is a pig. Do not 'let' him use you like that.

No idea why you would even want to have sex with him.

I'm sorry but he sounds like a prick

If he is going to "look elsewhere" because you are not having PiV sex 3m after a traumatic birth, he is a twat and you would be well rid.

It was months after my ventouse before I could even face the thought of sex. He wasn't happy, but marriage isn't just about having a particular variant of sex. Still together 25 years later. We weathered the storm like adults.

Is your DH for real? You need time to recover! No birth is the same and you’re older than when you have birth before (no offence I just mean you’re not 23 years old with a body that can just bounce back). Tell him to go do one.

What @GodspeedJune said. My exH was like this. There's no resuect for what you've been through to deliver your fourth child and I bet you're doing the lion's share of childcare and housework too. No one needs sex and if he does well he can go in the bathroom and help himself to loo roll. Men like this make me so angry and it doesn't get better so please take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal from the trauma of birth emotionally as well as physically. Men can be so selfish and if he doesn't listen to you then you have options
Congratulations on your baby x

I just don't want to but I know he has needs too and I don't want him to look elsewhere.

If your DH goes elsewhere because sex is few and far between 3 months after a brutal childbirth he’s a complete arsehole.
Seriosuly what sort of man who has already seen you birth 3 previous children keeps pushing “when? When? When?”

Thank you for the understanding, I wasn't sure what to expect.
We still do things a couple of times a week but he asks every night which makes me feel like it's all too much and my offers of other things get turned down.
I do very much wonder if my libido is just slowly dying off with the pressure. It feels like a chore and I don't want it to be like that.

The physio says there's no prolapse but it's just a feeling like I'm trying not to relax in case I leak.

"We have been back to normal pretty quickly".
🤢
Sorry.
I have no kids and happily stopped having sex at 41, come what may, I get it's different, but he's just gross.

He's an arsehole.

Fucking hell. The stuff I read about men on MN really depresses me.

Yes, and makes me gag, too.

Why in the name of god have you reproduced 4 times with this slimy fucking creep? Tell him to look elsewhere, he sounds like a real catch. So many women would be gagging for his charms. In the meantime, do yourself and your kids a favour and bin him off.

First and main point, your husband/partner needs to back the fuck off. You don't have to explain yourself...

Secondly, and I frequently wonder this... How? How are people with multiple children getting straight back to sex? Like how? Whilst the baby is in the room? (Recommended to be in the same room constantly until 6 months old) Or are we just ignoring kids, giving them iPads? Or are they just amazing sleepers and you have nothing else to do with the time? I mean honestly my mind boggles.

I'm sorry @winniethepop but you are not in a good, safe or loving relationship. Please let that sink in.

No one is owed sex. You have 4 dc one who is a newborn. He can stop.

I'd take sex off the table completely for the next few months until you are ready. This is not his decision to make. If he hounds you then he is clearly capable and engaging in sexual assault through coercion.

You are having sex two times a week and he's pressuring for more? Very few people in your situation are having sex that frequently in this season of life. There's nothing wrong with that IF you both want it and it is good for both parties both physically and emotionally.

Birth, ill-health, stress are all reasons people's desire for sex changes as is having a partner who is behaving abominably and is coercive and toxic. Why would anyone want to have sex in this scenario.

You do not have a libido problem, you have a husband problem.

Do you have someone safe you can talk to in real life? A trusted health visitor, GP, counsellor or friend? I would worry this is part of a bigger problem and you deserve to be safe and not be pressured/controlled/emotionally abused or forced through guilt. Your post is deeply concerning @winniethepop

Yuck. Get him a vasectomy right away and see how jiggy he is ten minutes after.

Something sexual three times a week is a lot when you have a 3mo and 3 other small children. He can fuck right off. You have sex when you want it, it's not something you owe him.

How soon after were you pressured in to sex - twice a week is more than lots of people who have not just had a baby.
How soon after the previous were you coerced?
He sounds vile. Does he have any redeeming features - is he helping?

He needs to get help. He’s having sex twice a week with his wife who has just given birth and he wants more?! He needs to get a grip- literally! Why are you with this pig.

Urghhh, no one likes a sex pest. We didn't have sex for months after we had our ds, fortunately DH was understanding and wouldn't have dreamt of pressuring me, he didn't feel like it either , we were both shattered!

Very few men are having sex so soon after birth and with other small children too,he should feel lucky he's getting anything!!

Might not be a bad idea for him to have his vasectomy now, I'm assuming 4 children is family completed?

Tell him to fuck right off OP! What an arsehole he is. Tell him that you will tell him when you're ready for sex again, and if he mentions it even once before you say you're ready, the wait will get longer and longer. I can't believe how selfish he's being, and can definitely see why you don't want to have sex with him.

Tell him to go and have the snip, and then see if he still wants sex every day, he'll be moaning and groaning and telling you how you don't understand, the pain he's in. Then you can remind him of what he's put you through.

Have you explained how his pestering is making you feel? And told him it’s actually putting you off more?

He sounds a bit dense if he’s not realising you need time to recover without being pressurised.

I would be tempted to let go, leak on him and then go 'well, I told you so', but I appreciate that not everyone is as mardy as me :)

4 kids and he's expecting you to his bang maid. Ew.