Sex or lack of after birth

[winniethepop]

I am 3 months post partum and having a few stress incontinence issues which I'm seeing a physio for and doing kegals and it's slowly improving but it's making sex really difficult for me just now because although all has been fine so far I'm spending the entire time we do it hoping I don't leak and trying not to and hoping it's over soon just in case.
Dh is getting frustrated because it's child number 4 and we've always been back to normal straight away and he doesn't understand why we're not back on track yet even though he knows the situation but the added pressure of him constantly asking is literally killing my libido.

I'm 41 and just want to recover, I had a ventouse delivery and lots of painful stitches and he kept asking when, when, when and since the stitches have healed he just wants me to be back as we were but I'm feeling so pressured its making me dread bedtime and I'm worried I'll never actually enjoy it again if this is how it is, I feel like I'm just letting him and not enjoying it and feeling quite dirty after because deep down I just don't want to but I know he has needs too and I don't want him to look elsewhere.

OMG he can fuck off!! Just reading your post makes me so angry.

We also have 4 children and it took really more like 2 years before we were anywhere near back to 'normal' after our last baby.
I honestly do not know how you find the time or energy to do anything sexual at this early stage.......absolutely great if you want to, but actually pretty nasty if you don't.

My best friend and her husband didn't have sex once for A FULL YEAR after their third child was born. And almost as long again after their 4th.... so maybe show him this thread. I just hate how selfish he's being you deserve MUCH more consideration.

Something I say when we have conversations about sex is, "yes, of course you have needs, but where are my needs in all this?" He can sort himself out any time he likes.

I’m sorry, you have 4 kids including a 3 month old, you’re doing things a couple of times a week and that’s not enough for him? He’s an absolute pig. Perhaps you would feel more up to it if he was doing more around the house and making you feel loved instead of pestering you for sex. Does he not have hands?

I have a 10 month old and we have had sex a handful of times since he was born. We’re knackered, I had a traumatic birth followed by a baby attached to me. DH asks if it’s ok to give me a cuddle in bed in case I feel a bit touched out.

Your partner is a prick.
He has a hand doesn’t he? What an inconsiderate arsehole

He needs to understand how lucky he is to be getting any at all at this point. I would be shut for business until further notice.

Explain about your libido taking a nosedive with all the pressure and tell him to wait for you to initiate for a while. If he wants anything else, he can have a wank.

He can help it, and he does not have “needs”, he has wants that he apparently thinks trump your wellbeing. He’s out of order.

I’ve had two challenging pregnancies and some health issues at other times that have caused prolonged dry spells in my marriage. I think when my second was born it was probably getting to nearly a year without. It was pretty miserable to be honest, and if DH had been pestering me for sex I’d have been devastated. As it was he was very sympathetic. He recognised that he was only going without sex, whereas I was going without sex and dealing with medical problems.

You worrying that he’ll go elsewhere if you don’t provide him with sex is concerning. He should be bending over backwards to reassure you that that’s not an issue.

Yuk! He's a sex pest!

Your H needs to understand that women don't just pop back to normal after birthing a child, and even less so after multiple children or after births requiring intervention and stitches. He needs to be educated.

With four kids in the house, one a relative newborn, I don't know how you have the time or energy to think about sex at all. I find this thread very upsetting, that a woman can be treated this badly and her only thoughts are fear or him going elsewhere if she doesn't "meet his needs".

He’s a selfish prick.

It's horrible to read about a supposed "D" H emotionally abusing and pestering his wife for sex at any time, but when she's recovering from an assisted delivery? I'm sorry this is happening to you. Maybe take the time to work out whether this is the marriage you want.

I cannot say what I want to say without falling foul of MN guidelines.

I will simply say I hate your husband.

I would literally show him this.

Same.

Poor you. You should be recovering and being looked after by your partner not being made to have sex you don't want and worrying about his feelings over your own.

If safe to do so tell him to use his hand for at least the next three months and leave you be except to give you foot massages.

'He has needs to' nothing trumps your need to recover from childbirth injuries. He had a working hand. It won't fall off.

Ps just for context I had a boyfriend who had a penis fracture and I ignored me 'needs' entirely for three months while he recovered and was very gentle with him after that for more months. It's what normal
Empathetic people do.

I had four children.

I don't think we had sex more than once a fortnight for the year after our fourth was born, if that. I was absolutely shattered.

My DH never, ever pestered me, he understood how I was and let me set the pace. That's what caring husbands do.

I have a four month old, recovered well and quickly and have had sex precisely twice since then because I'm always knackered from looking after my baby and her big sister! And my DH completely understands (even if he wishes it wasn't the case!). Was the same after my eldest, and for a lot longer too. Ignoring the way childbirth changes your body, having another child changes your relationship, your workload and your priorities and it's okay for sex to go on the back burner. Awful that your husband doesn't understand this.

Agree, OP’s husband can fuck off.

But really? I’m sure it can’t be that beyond you how couples with children have sex. And it doesn’t have to be coerced by anyone.

Honestly 🙄 I would tell him to back the fuck off and that you'll let him know when you're ready to have sex again and if he keeps pestering you, it'll be never!! You shouldn't be worrying about him going elsewhere and if that is a concern for you, it says a lot about him. Concentrate on looking after yourself and getting as much rest as you can. If he wants to be a good husband, he should be doing as much as he can to look after you - preparing meals, doing the laundry, taking the baby so you can have a bath or a sleep, looking after your other kids, giving cuddles and loving attention WITHOUT any expectation that it will lead to sex. He sounds like an arsehole to be honest 🙁

He doesnt understand, and he can help it. My god you must be exhausted. Im so sorry he is making you feel like this. Not wanting sex after a baby is quite normal, especially if you're running around after 3 little ones too. He's an arsehole.

what the actual fuck. You had a major physical trauma you’re not healed from
you’ve got 4 kids Inc a 3m old and you aren’t really enjoying sex and he’s still pestering every night. Youve told him how he’s making you feel and he doesn’t care, it’s worth upsetting you and putting you through something that makes you uncomfortable and wish it was over, so he can get a shag. I am so sad at the thought of any woman, 3m pp at such a vulnerable time, being treated with anything less than love and care, never mind being pushed into servicing some selfish bastard.

He needs to get the snip. ✂️ ✂️ ✂️

A huge well done to you OP for birthing four children and wishing you a speedy and full recovery - for your sake, not that of your husband. He can fucking help it - he is a pig - he should not pester you, ever, let alone just a few months after you have had his baby and are recovering from a difficult birth.

Did you mean the snip as in castration rather than a vasectomy? It's no more than he would deserve. I am furious and so very sad for the OP.

Jesus I'm almost 8 months PP and haven't done the deed yet, I'm too bloody tired and have a very difficult baby . Your husband sound very demanding to put it politely

I had a forceps delivery and I think it was at least 6 months before we had sex. My other understood that and was patient.

A good friend of mine has recently has recently split from her husband after realising she'd experienced sexual coercion ever since they'd been together from a young age. I'd really encourage you to look it up and get some support. I suspect you may have become accustomed to his behaviour. You do have a choice, you do NOT need to do anything you don't want to do to please him. It is rape.