Starting new job while pregnant - What maternity leave length?

[byzanthium]

Hi all,

DH and I are expecting the birth of our first child and I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant. For the last 3 years DH and I have worked together in the same firm, in the same team, both in a similar role (which obviously hasn't been ideal...). This is a small firm and the boss has made it clear he's looking to sell, and has just brought on a new MD to replace him, very much making it look like he's shoring everything up in preperation for selling.

Alongside multiple other issues with the firm (lack of structure, pay inequality, no opportunity to progress etc), we've just taken on a rather large mortgage for our family home, and given the instability with the firm, we decided we couldn't go any longer having both our eggs in one basket, so I've been looking around for a new job (not DH as he's happier at the firm than I am).

Given the job market, it's taken me quite a while to find something and I only just managed to get a job offer midway through the month and handed in my notice. Unlike everyone else in the firm who have left (9 people in the last 3 years), the boss has decided he wants me to potentially work out my full 3 month notice period (whereas everyone else only worked 2 weeks - 1 month after their notice). He knows I'm pregnant and he knows that If I stay longer than midway through Feb he'll have to pay my maternity (https://maternityaction.org.uk/advice/rights-for-parents-with-more-than-one-job/). I am trying to negotiate this down with him but he's currently constantly stalling for time and rescheduling meetings or saying he's busy.

BUT the real issue is that no one at the new job offer company know that I'm pregnant. In my previous other job applications I let them know I was pregnant from square one, or just after the offer, and unsurprisingly it's always been silence/ a sudden 'we've actually re-evaluated and we don't need anyone to fill this new position at the moment' (cue it being re-advertised on linkedin 2 days later...) but given the way that the company is going both my DH and I really felt it was necessary for one of us to change jobs for some stability as we wouldn't be able to take the financial hit if the company was bought off and both of us were made redundant. So therefore we decided it'd be best until I started working for my new firm before I let them know I was pregnant.

NB - it's not possible for one of us not to work after maternity as the mortgage + bills is a full one of our salaries. We need at least 1.5 salaries to afford food, let alone anything else.

My question is - I know that I'm not exactly fostering any good will by only telling my new employer months/a month before I need to take leave (I've looked at the laws around when you need to tell your employer and I know that's usually around week 26 but given the fact I won't technically be their employee till I start working it seems like I can delay till them) and so therefore I want to take as little leave as possible to impact the business, with my husband filling in the shortgap by me transfering the rest of my leave over to him as Shared Parental Leave. I was planning on taking 3 months off if I followed the trend of the other employees that left and only had to work out a month of my notice period to be considerate to my new employer (ie therefore started my new job in Feb, 4 months before baby is due). But given that now I'm facing the real possibility of only being able to start 1.5 months before my due date, I know the best thing to do in terms of my future relationship with my new employer would be to only take the minimum 2 weeks off and go back to work so it'll really only be like I'm taking a holiday and I distrupt my new team as little as possible. But obviously I'm worried about my physical recovery, as well as the fact that I selfishly want to spend a bit longer with our newborn before going back to work! (and I'm planning on exclusively breastfeeding where possible)

You are being unreasonable - 'It's you who's gone and gotten a new job while pregnant, and so you should be striving to make as little impact as possible on your new role and take off as little time as possible'.

You are NOT being unreasonable - 'you're between a rock and a hard place and taking only 3 months off is already a comprimise, regardless of when you start working for your new organisation'.

TL;DR - My current job is unstable so I needed to find a new job, managed to get one at 22 weeks pregnant but I may only be able to start my new job at 34 weeks pregnant. They don't know I'm pregnant yet. Should I take 3 months off with the baby as it's already a lot less that the full year or should I swalow it and only take off 2 weeks?

Apologies for all the waffle! As you can probably tell I'm quite stressed about this and didn't want to drip feed.

Honestly this is madness. You have no idea how you'll feel after birth physically or emotionally.

I agree with those saying, could you just not leave and your DH look for another job?

What a mess. Is taking back your resignation possible?

I started a new job when I was probably about 18-20 weeks pregnant. Didn’t know I was pregnant at the time. Found out at 26 weeks I was pregnant. Ironically I’d been employed as someone’s maternity cover! Work were fine however I was only entitled to SMP. No enhanced maternity pay as I hadn’t been with the company long enough. Went on maternity leave, came back from hospital after having the baby with a letter from HR advising as I had worked for the company less than a certain amount of time I wasn’t even entitled to SMP, apologies for the mix up and I would need to claim maternity allowance through the government instead. This is paid at the exact same rate at SMP, it just means it’s the government paying you instead of your employer.

We had a staff member just disappear without working his full notice. He also stole a laptop.

There was nothing we could really do about it because as a small business we didn't have the money/time for court. But given that your OH will still be working there I imagine it would make life difficult for him so you probably want to leave on good terms.

I'm interested to know what your ideal scenario was here as you actively chose to look for a new job knowing you're pregnant?

Hi all, apologies, I'll just reply to everyone in one long message. Sorry if I've tagged you in the wrong point!

I've also added in some extra info if it helps.

• @FatLarrysBanned @Sixpence39 @RabbitsEatPancakes Yep, it's my first, well aware 2 weeks is horribly short but my husband will be taking the rest of my leave and staying with the baby till 8 months. After that, he's going to go back part time while I work full time and we've managed to find a lovely childminder who would be able to cover the days he is working. Well aware that usually it'd be the other way round (ie me staying, husband going and taking 2 weeks), but he really is much happier than me at the firm and I've been meaning to leave for a while now anyway. He's happy to esentially switch roles and do everything himelf, it's just me that's conflicted and wants more time off with the baby.
• We both work from home pretty much all the time (my new contract is fully remote and only requires 1 day in every quater, full expensed. I'm in Scotalnd and their in London so can't commute any more frequently). I am naively hoping that the lack of commute will mean I have time to express enough for my DH to feed the baby while I work, and can hopefully do a feed over my lunch break as it'll be an hour.
• @PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat @dementedpixie @Sixpence39 @CantHoldMeDown @LivingOnTheVeg @TokyoSushi I've contacted maternity advice. They said that if I stay with my current employer into my qualifying week (midway through Feb) then they will be liable to pay the enhanced mat leave (just the government standard of 6 weeks at 90% and then whatever it is after that). My new employers won't have to pay a penny, I just need to let them know how long I'll be off for. My current employer is aware of this and doesn't mind as they count as a small business and he actually can claim back 103% (!!) from the government so in effect he'll get paid for it. Me and my husband don't mind the 6 weeks at 90% or not either way as we've saved up enough to cover it. At the end of the day, it's not too much of a difference and I'd rather start in my new role earlier.
• @TokyoSushi @Sixpence39 @LivingOnTheVeg @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing @Jackiebrambles Regarding staying in my current role, that ship has sailed I'm afraid and we both made the judgement that it was safer for me to go into a new role than keep both our eggs in one basket - may end up being the wrong one considering everything but we'll see! Hindsight is a wonderful thing :)

I think you should cancel your resignation at your old job (if possible), have your baby, take 9 months/a year off and look for a new job towards the end of your maternity leave/after you are back at work instead. You can come clean with the new job when you turn down the offer, they may surprise you.

Or work your 3 months notice and tell the new job about the baby, you say the old job will have to pay you mat leave anyway, so you have little to lose, if the new job drops you then apply for other positions while on mat leave.

I think this is a bit strongly worded but the poster has a point.

With my first baby, we were both in and out of hospitals for the first 6 weeks and I didn't recover from birth for a good four months.

You are very unlikely to be able to work with a 2 week old baby.

@hydriotaphia Thank you for the advice :) This is what I was considering but I thought I'd ask just in case I was missing something, after all it's a bit of an echo chamber with just my DH and I discussing things so I'm glad to read all the different opinions!

Who’s going to look after the 2 week old baby? This is a bit of a mess - if there’s opportunity for you to stay at the job you have please do. You’re about to be hit by a bus, physically and emotionally. There is no way you can go back to work after 2 weeks. You need to look at Maternity Allowance which is paid by the govt rather than an employer.

I think that fully WFH makes a bit of a difference, at least you can be comfortable, have access to your own bathroom etc etc if you return very early.

I think the thing you've missed out in your thinking isn't just how you'll feel about being separated from your baby so early but also whether you will actually be well enough to work.

For example if you have a section you can't drive for six weeks. And most new mums struggle a bit with walking/pelvic floor/ incontinence at first.

You'll be bleeding for 6-8 weeks.

It really would have been better for DH to move jobs!

@LostittoBostik To be honest, and I know that this sounds silly and our inexperience is showing, but neither my husband or I considered the possibility that something could go wrong and I'd need to be in and out of care for longer. We both just went "well if the gov minimum is 2 weeks and they let mums go back after that there must be a reason!" Which is obviously very naive thinking given what everyone is saying! And both our parents had some complications after birth, so honestly not sure why we hadn't thought about it!

I think I should revise up to 6 weeks as my minimum to allow for at least some recovery time, even though it's not ideal at all.

@Mummybud - I'll just quote from one of my previous replies regarding who will be looking after the baby

"Yep, it's my first, well aware 2 weeks is horribly short but my husband will be taking the rest of my leave and staying with the baby till 8 months. After that, he's going to go back part time while I work full time and we've managed to find a lovely childminder who would be able to cover the days he is working. Well aware that usually it'd be the other way round (ie me staying, husband going and taking 2 weeks), but he really is much happier than me at the firm and I've been meaning to leave for a while now anyway. He's happy to esentially switch roles and do everything himelf, it's just me that's conflicted and wants more time off with the baby."

Hope that helps

My baby was still in NICU / SCBU at 2weeks post partum. What's your plan for if you or baby is poorly? There is no way you will be wanting to go back to work.

I think you should tell your new employer about the pregnancy so they can plan accordingly. I was formally promoted the day I went on mat leave with DD1 (admittedly, I've worked in my org for a long time) and started the new role when I returned 10months later as they held it open for me. Similarly, a colleague of mine got a new job when pregnant, and they offered the second place candidate her mat leave cover so it worked out well for both of them. If you just drop it on them on your first day, you aren't leaving them any time to sort out cover. Yes you run the risk of losing the position, but presumably if they are unhappy about your pregnancy, they'll probably find a way for you to fail your probation anyway.

Going back at two months would be pushing it and awful, but the worst part of recovery should be over. But if you aren't sleeping then driving becomes dangerous.

Two weeks is impossible for a normal woman (ie; without masses of help), and probably very risky too.

You are in for a shock when all those hormones wash over you after you've given birth!

Working from home does make a difference I think, particularly for feeding, but you really do feel like you’ve been hit by a bus for weeks. And you’ll be in a new job trying to make a good impression. I think you should tell new employer now and try to take more time off.

I’ve not had a baby, but two weeks leave does sound naive.

I took two weeks off with a miscarriage as there was so much bleeding, for four weeks. It would have made a work day very disrupted and I was I was uncomfortable and I didn’t have a newborn to deal with.

I can’t think of any other severe physical ailment I’d only take two weeks off for. I’d have longer off if I had my appendix out, for example - so 2 weeks with a C Section sounds crazy to me. Similarly if I was physically injured in a car accident - even if I was able to work mentally, I think my employer would be expecting me to take at least a few weeks off… and again that would be with the expectation I’m getting a full night’s sleep to aid my recovery.

You need to reframe this as how long will your body need to recover from the trauma. It’s all well and good your DH taking SPL (and my plan had been 6 months off for me, 6 months off for DH had the pregnancy successfully continued) but I think anything shorter than 3-4 months is crazy. Especially as you’re working from home as there’s little chance you’ll be doing your best work, and you’re at such a high risk of being let go in that initial period.

I agree with other posters that 2 weeks maternity leave is pie in the sky thinking. I am currently 3 months pp with my first and the thought of going back to work now would fill me with dread. It sounds like your husband is getting the best of all worlds here tbh and you are both grossly underestimating the physical, psychological and hormonal affects birth has on the mum. Shared parental leave is great in theory but biology and evolution are strong - the bond you will feel with your baby that you carried for 9 months and birthed is something you seem to be completely discounting. I may get flamed for saying this but it’s simply not the same for fathers. Women need decent maternity leave not only to bond with their baby but to recover from pregnancy and birth. Definitely take at least 3 months off - you may well find you need much longer! Also, try not to put too much pressure on yourself to EBF - again you don’t know how easy/difficult this will be. I’ve seen many women torment themselves unnecessarily over this, leading to babies not getting enough milk, not gaining weight, crying from hunger etc. Formula is not the enemy. Good luck with whatever you decide!

I think you’re putting yourself in a very difficult situation, and one that you find yourself unable to see through.

Can your partner really not find another job so you’re under less pressure?

Why has the ship sailed on you staying? No one’s saying it’s permanent but it’s the most logical thing to do.

You have such little protection for the first couple of years in a job. How would you feel if you only spent six weeks with your newborn to bend over backwards for a company you haven’t even spent a day working for, and they let you go in 12 months’ time? Or you hate it? Or you have an arsehole of a colleague etc. and you begrudge giving them your time?

You've admitted you’ve been naive about recovery but I think there are other areas you haven’t quite thought through, either.

That might sound harsh but to the company, you’re just another person in a role and you’re not special. Your baby however will think you are the most special person in existence and you’ll NEVER get that time back.

Quite frankly I’m appalled that your H would happily let you go back to work at two weeks while he takes eight months off. Yes it’s his child but he isn’t the one recovering from childbirth and feeding them. If money’s an issue then he needs to look at a second job for a couple of months.

almost regardless of the chaotic job moving situation, the idea of going back to work two weeks after the birth of my first child fills me with a chill. No way could I have done that. The only real option - unless you want to be really American about it and send your new born off to nursery at c 5 weeks old - is to piss off your new employer by taking your full statutory maternity allowance. You'' either be bathed in the glorious love that is being new mum, deep in despair with PND, or somewhere in the middle of all of that and unless you're superwoman, trying to be superwoman, giving yourself space is a good thing. And the new employer will be pissed off but probably won't voice it because you're a pregnant lady. And who cares if they are, as they'll get over it. But you'll never get back that precious period of time with a new baby.

I work in HR and there is no way our company would let a woman come back to work two weeks after having a baby. We have a duty of care. Three months is also unheard of. In the last two years, 8 women have returned from Mat leave, all said they would take 9 months leave. All of them extended it and took 12 months with the last 3 months with no pay. None have come back full time.

With my Mum hat on, there is no way you’ll be ready to return after two weeks. Or even three months. Two weeks after having my baby I still couldn’t sit down. My boobs were ripped to shreds and bleeding. I’ll be amazed if you can get dressed before 11am, let alone return to work.

I would stay at the old place. For the minute it is stable. You will put a massive cat amongst the pigeon starting your new job so heavily pregnant. No doubt they will seek specialist legal advice.