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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is This Abuse Or Am I Wrong?

98 replies

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 00:59

My husband who is more than a decade older has always wanted his own way.

Today i didnt want sex he turned me over and spat on my bum and did the deed.

I asked him why he did it and he denied it calling me a liar saying he didnt spit it was his finger.
Later on he admitted he spit saying i was dry and im too soft.

On boxing day i felt really ill with flu we were due to go for a meal with his daughter and her husbands family and i didnt want to go.
He told me he was having none of my soft nonsense and to get dressed and i better dress up.
I had to go.

I was diagnosed with depression two months ago he doesnt seem bothered.
Always putting me down.

Forced me to go to his works party last year.
He also drinks at a bar every single night.

I dont know what to do. A doctor asked if everything was ok at home when i was diagnosed with depression i lied and said yes.

He always tries to turn it around on me.

His first marriage ended because he said she was controlling and had affairs.
He always tries to upset and wind me up in public too.

Im so low in confidence i havent worked for years and he tells me im stupid every day.

OP posts:
Cornecopia · 27/01/2025 01:02

He sounds absolutely vile op.
you need to get yourself out of there. Ring HARV or a similar helpline and get into a woman’s refuge. They will help you with everything you need.
the fact you can see this rape and abuse for what it is shows your confidence is at almost 0.
call them tomorrow and begin the rest of your life. X

ClemmyTine · 27/01/2025 01:04

Wait til he's asleep and hit him over the head with the heaviest pan that you have. Better still, wait until he's just waking up, then do it..

Cornecopia · 27/01/2025 01:06

ClemmyTine · 27/01/2025 01:04

Wait til he's asleep and hit him over the head with the heaviest pan that you have. Better still, wait until he's just waking up, then do it..

I’d be tempted to go for the penis aswel.

GreenCandleWax · 27/01/2025 01:12

Yes, of course its abuse. What he did to you is absolutely vile. And what do you mean, you "had to go" on boxing day when you were ill? Or he "forced" you to go to a works party? It sounds as though your confidence is on the floor and you have no say about what happens to you.
You need help as he is a nightmare. Others will be along with practical advice. In the meantime, believe you are worth far better than this. Try to raise your sights and think better of yourself than to put up with being treated in such a terrible way by this horrible bully of a man. Get some help to get away from him and start living a better life. 💐

FancyLilacHare · 27/01/2025 01:15

He raped you.

Of course it's abuse.

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:18

GreenCandleWax · 27/01/2025 01:12

Yes, of course its abuse. What he did to you is absolutely vile. And what do you mean, you "had to go" on boxing day when you were ill? Or he "forced" you to go to a works party? It sounds as though your confidence is on the floor and you have no say about what happens to you.
You need help as he is a nightmare. Others will be along with practical advice. In the meantime, believe you are worth far better than this. Try to raise your sights and think better of yourself than to put up with being treated in such a terrible way by this horrible bully of a man. Get some help to get away from him and start living a better life. 💐

I had to go or he would have really tried to make me look bad to others.

I was shaking on the way to the restaurant and if i did start crying he would have called me a attention seeker in front of them.

He also told me to smile and eat that day.

He has never bothered with my family looks down his nose at them.

Said if i do report him to my doctor etc i will be made a fool of in court etc.

OP posts:
Saphire123 · 27/01/2025 01:18

Yes he is an abuser, and a rapist.
You could go back to your Dr and tell him/her, that you were afraid to tell the truth when he asked if everything was OK at home.
He will be able to give you info on who can help.

PinkStingray · 27/01/2025 01:18

You didn't consent.
It was rape, no maybe, no but, no excuses.
It was rape.
And he tried to gaslight you after.

Cornecopia · 27/01/2025 01:19

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:18

I had to go or he would have really tried to make me look bad to others.

I was shaking on the way to the restaurant and if i did start crying he would have called me a attention seeker in front of them.

He also told me to smile and eat that day.

He has never bothered with my family looks down his nose at them.

Said if i do report him to my doctor etc i will be made a fool of in court etc.

He is saying that to control you op.
and don’t think about that right now. You don’t need to even go to court so get that out of your head.
your number 1 step is getting out of that house.

XWKD · 27/01/2025 01:23

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:18

I had to go or he would have really tried to make me look bad to others.

I was shaking on the way to the restaurant and if i did start crying he would have called me a attention seeker in front of them.

He also told me to smile and eat that day.

He has never bothered with my family looks down his nose at them.

Said if i do report him to my doctor etc i will be made a fool of in court etc.

He knows what he's doing. Why else would he mention court or reporting him to the doctor?
Get the police involved. He raped you. Destroy him.

Saphire123 · 27/01/2025 01:27

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:18

I had to go or he would have really tried to make me look bad to others.

I was shaking on the way to the restaurant and if i did start crying he would have called me a attention seeker in front of them.

He also told me to smile and eat that day.

He has never bothered with my family looks down his nose at them.

Said if i do report him to my doctor etc i will be made a fool of in court etc.

Please report him to the Dr who you have been seeing.
You will not be made a fool of. Your husband is saying that to keep you quiet. He knows he is wrong, you are 100% in the right to speak out.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/01/2025 01:28

He is a rapist and an abuser.

You have been raped and abused.

Call Women's Aid as soon as you can. They are sadly very busy but keep trying, they will help you escape this vile piece of shit.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:30

Saphire123 · 27/01/2025 01:27

Please report him to the Dr who you have been seeing.
You will not be made a fool of. Your husband is saying that to keep you quiet. He knows he is wrong, you are 100% in the right to speak out.

When i told him i was diagnosed with depression the first thing he asked was what did i tell the doctor and they normally ask if is everything ok at home.

I have a really bad feeling if i did report him he will try to turn the tables.

OP posts:
CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:31

If i do mention to a doctor what i have posted on here what would happen?.

OP posts:
valentinka31 · 27/01/2025 01:33

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:18

I had to go or he would have really tried to make me look bad to others.

I was shaking on the way to the restaurant and if i did start crying he would have called me a attention seeker in front of them.

He also told me to smile and eat that day.

He has never bothered with my family looks down his nose at them.

Said if i do report him to my doctor etc i will be made a fool of in court etc.

Please, please, call the National domestic abuse helpline or Refuge or Womens aid.

He is very abusive, controlling and is raping you. I am so so sorry, please know you will be so supported, just make the call xx

valentinka31 · 27/01/2025 01:34

Saphire123 · 27/01/2025 01:27

Please report him to the Dr who you have been seeing.
You will not be made a fool of. Your husband is saying that to keep you quiet. He knows he is wrong, you are 100% in the right to speak out.

yes and this. Just tell the doctor about what you have here

Saphire123 · 27/01/2025 01:36

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:30

When i told him i was diagnosed with depression the first thing he asked was what did i tell the doctor and they normally ask if is everything ok at home.

I have a really bad feeling if i did report him he will try to turn the tables.

The Dr and other professionals will know who is telling the truth
Your husband is a bully, he is manipulating and frightening you, it's in his interest for you to keep quiet.

Please get help, they will be able to advise you a lot better than here.
You don't deserve to be treated so badly....no woman does.
Good luck.

valentinka31 · 27/01/2025 01:37

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:31

If i do mention to a doctor what i have posted on here what would happen?.

The doctor should get you taken on by a local domestic abuse service, who will assign a case worker to you and she will talk with you and support you completely about how you get out of this situation. All next stepscan then be planned. Your husband will not be
able to turn the tables, don't worry xx

oakleaffy · 27/01/2025 01:37

@CheekyPombear Get the heck out of that abusive 'relationship'.

What a nauseating man.

Definitely tell the GP.

Sincerely hope you don't have children with this creep, it will make leaving for good so much easier.

Cornecopia · 27/01/2025 01:39

The dr will not tell your husband what you have told him.
he will help you. Everyone wants to help you.
your husband wants to scare you.
you can do this op

Saphire123 · 27/01/2025 01:41

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:31

If i do mention to a doctor what i have posted on here what would happen?.

He will help you, just tell him what you have told us.
He will have contacts, organisations that deal with people who are suffering abuse, be in no doubt that you are being abused.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/01/2025 01:41

He's a rapist. You need to leave him asap.

ByCyanMoose · 27/01/2025 01:43

Your husband is an abuser and a rapist.

SpottedTailQuoll · 27/01/2025 01:45

Yes you are 100% right Cheeky Pombear. I'm very sorry but you are being abused. ALL these behaviours/actions are abuse. You don't deserve it, nothing you did or do "makes" him abuse you, it's not your fault - he is perfectly able to control himself around people at work, at the pub or anywhere else, isn't he? He chooses to do and say abusive things because he can.

What your H did was rape - sorry to be so blunt here. You are a victim - and a survivor - of a crime against the person.

What would you like to do? (I'm in Australia matey so very sorry I haven't accurate knowledge of services in the UK for people in your situation. However, I've have seen many previous helpful kind posters in the UK saying to other women in similar situations to yours to seek out people who will LISTEN to you, who are on your side, who can give practical help, advice and support. E.g. Rape Crisis centre, staff at a women's refuge, your doctor who already sounds like he or she is on the ball from the description you've given, sexual assault specialist police officers. Solicitor. And are you in contact with any supportive family members? Seeking out people who will just listen is the most important first thing as well as believing what you're saying.

This abusive behaviour has ground you down to the point where you're asking "am I wrong?" NO, YOU ARE NOT WRONG. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. You are not stupid. You sound smart, strong and kind - you are important. Anybody who has gone through this treatment and still has 2 marbles in their head to be able to write it all down is strong. Not stupid.

I hope you can get in contact with supportive people who can listen and help you today - as soon as you can, and you can safely get away from this person. He is an abuser. It's 11:31 am in the morning here in Oz right now so I guess it's 01:30 am over there now. (The 10 hour time difference is a pain, aye). Very very best wishes to you OP love - nobody deserves this. You deserve the very best. You ARE NOT stupid.💐💐💐 Keep asking yourself - "what do I want?" "Is this right for me?" "How do I feel about this?" and listen to the first things that come into your head. You know what's best for you.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 27/01/2025 01:46

Yes, it is abuse. And I'm sorry but your DH raped you tonight.

Please please report him to the police and speak with your GP.

Your DH is very controlling, and really, you need to get away from him as soon as you safely can. Do you have children together?

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