Is This Abuse Or Am I Wrong?

[CheekyPombear]

My husband who is more than a decade older has always wanted his own way.

Today i didnt want sex he turned me over and spat on my bum and did the deed.

I asked him why he did it and he denied it calling me a liar saying he didnt spit it was his finger.
Later on he admitted he spit saying i was dry and im too soft.

On boxing day i felt really ill with flu we were due to go for a meal with his daughter and her husbands family and i didnt want to go.
He told me he was having none of my soft nonsense and to get dressed and i better dress up.
I had to go.

I was diagnosed with depression two months ago he doesnt seem bothered.
Always putting me down.

Forced me to go to his works party last year.
He also drinks at a bar every single night.

I dont know what to do. A doctor asked if everything was ok at home when i was diagnosed with depression i lied and said yes.

He always tries to turn it around on me.

His first marriage ended because he said she was controlling and had affairs.
He always tries to upset and wind me up in public too.

Im so low in confidence i havent worked for years and he tells me im stupid every day.

If you can't bring yourself to actual tell your GP when you are in front of them, then just give them this thread to read.

Call women's aid, tell your GP, do whatever you can to leave asap

Jesus Christ, what am I reading. Op, this is horrific - you need to get out of there. Please speak to someone IRL - you can do this and be happy.

Your husband is a serial rapist. He raped you. He raised this other woman. Who knows how many others? He gets off on controlling women. I can almost guarantee he was the one who had the affairs and was controlling in his first marriage.

Contact Women's Aid - they can offer all sorts of support and advice
Have you got a friend or family member that you can confide in and go to live with for a while?
Contact your GP surgery and tell them you need to speak to a doctor urgently as you are being domestically abused and have been raped
Go to the police and report his behaviour and ask for a disclosure under Claire's law to see if anyone else has reported him
Tell them about the woman that died and his behaviour with her if you think there's even a tiny chance he was responsible for her death

Do whatever it takes to get away from him and get protection from him. He sounds awful and you sound terrified of him. You should not feel ashamed or frightened to tell a friend - telling someone means someone else knows if he does anything else to you.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, you don't deserve any of this. Tell yourself this is your hard line and you deserve better - if he gets away with it he will rape you again and again. Consensual sex will no longer be enough for him (not that you will ever want sex with him again after this) and he will get rougher with you - pushing any boundary you've ever set.

Please pack a bag with your essentials and get out of there either whilst he's sleeping or at work. Turn off any tracking on your phone. If you suspect he might have put a tracker on your phone without your consent, leave the phone behind and take a list of phone numbers. Take all important documents (passport, driving licence (paper part too), birth certificate, marriage certificate, will, etc), grab any favourite belongings that you can't bear to be without, a few clothes, medications, any cash and credit/debit cards. If your money is all in a joint account, withdraw as much as you can before you leave. If possible, open your own account with the same bank and transfer money across. If all the money is in his account, ask him for money to get groceries or something - get any cash from him you possibly can.

You can do this. Good luck.

You're not stupid. Get a job as soon as you can and start making a plan. Who owns the house?

I hope you have had the courage to get out?

How are you doing @CheekyPombear - are you safe?

Can I ask too? How are you?

He owns the house.

Im feeling a little better talking on here.

My wife and I are getting divorced, and I’m absolutely devastated. I love her deeply and she has always been at the center of my life. I’ve been loyal, caring, and supportive, and I would do anything for her. But our relationship has been an emotional whirlwind - one moment she pulls me close, the next she pushes me away. This cycle has left me feeling confused and manipulated.

We’ve been together for five years, married for 18 months. From the start, she knew my freelance work could be unpredictable, but over time, it became a constant source of criticism. I was open to change and even explored carpentry after she suggested it, only to be criticised again for not having my own ideas. I’ve often felt unheard and disrespected, and that she was unwilling to compromise.

I am not an abusive person. I was raised by strong women - my mother, sister, and grandmother - who taught me how to treat a partner with kindness and respect. Like my wife, I had a difficult childhood, shaped by my parent’s toxic divorce and an abusive father. I sought therapy to work through my past, and while I’m not perfect at all and have my downfalls, I believe I’ve gained emotional awareness.

My wife and I share similar histories, but she now insists we have no common ground. She claims our relationship is toxic because of fundamental differences, while I believe every couple has differences - the key is how they navigate them. She describes our bad times as awful and our good times as just “okay”yet we still chose to marry. We’ve had moments of genuine happiness together, and we share values and interests. When I point this out, she dismisses it as “just not liking Trump”, which feels deeply hurtful and disingenuous.

Looking back, I realise we lacked the right tools to work through our conflicts. I have always suspect that much of our struggles stems from past trauma rather than who we are as individuals or as a couple. And that instilled the belief that with the right compromises, commitments and trust in each other, that we could overcome our issues. But at this point, resentment and anger have taken over, making communication nearly impossible. That breaks my heart.

I love this woman with all my being, and I would do anything to make it work. But am I seeing things clearly, or am I holding onto something that isn’t meant to be?

@P10 you need to start your own thread.

thank You. I thought I was…I’ll do it now

He owns the house..
Perfect.
You can pack a bag and leave... No discussions needed.. You never need to contact him again. Claim universal credit. They can assist with a loan for a rental house... Freecycle and Gumtree can help with loads of free stuff.

Honestly go. Daily rape was part of my life in my 20's. Walking away was easier because he owned the flat... My dgm loaned me bond money and I claimed benefits.. Some banks allow an overdraft to escape dv... And look into Royal Mail doing redirection for free in dv cases too.

I'm really sorry that this is happening to you OP. You are being abused and you saying no to sex and him going ahead anyway is rape. You don't deserve this, no-one does.

Please contact a domestic violence helpline or talk to your doctor,b who can help you find the right help. Abusers tend to act the same and domestic violence experts will be able to support you in working out how to stay safe

This is one of the most abusive things I've read on here. Can you leave?

Yes it's abuse and he raped you ? Spitting on you ? That's so disrespectful and disgusting. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Can you gather some money, pack a bag with essentials and leave when he is out of the house? That's what you need to do. Go somewhere that will protect you, family? Friend? Women's aid ? ASAP.

Do not tell him you are leaving!

He hides everything from me. I dont know how much he has in the bank etc.
His phone is on fingerprint lock.

He comes home eats has a three hour bath then goes out to a pub every night.
We havent had a holiday in 20 years.
He said if we split up i would have to move in with family or get rented acommodation.

Surely being with family and getting some legal advice as to whst you are entitled to as you are married is better than this life

He doesn't decide that, a court does. You'd probably get half the house - enough for a deposit. It's time to stop worrying about what he says, and deciding what you say, and what you're going to do.

When I saw this was an old thread I really hoped for an update that you'd left.

This is quite severe domestic abuse.

Rape.
Coercive control
Emotional abuse
Financial abuse

You should do the freedom program

He's manipulated you so much you can't see things clearly.

Contact women's aid.

You really need dv specific emotional and practical support.