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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is This Abuse Or Am I Wrong?

98 replies

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 00:59

My husband who is more than a decade older has always wanted his own way.

Today i didnt want sex he turned me over and spat on my bum and did the deed.

I asked him why he did it and he denied it calling me a liar saying he didnt spit it was his finger.
Later on he admitted he spit saying i was dry and im too soft.

On boxing day i felt really ill with flu we were due to go for a meal with his daughter and her husbands family and i didnt want to go.
He told me he was having none of my soft nonsense and to get dressed and i better dress up.
I had to go.

I was diagnosed with depression two months ago he doesnt seem bothered.
Always putting me down.

Forced me to go to his works party last year.
He also drinks at a bar every single night.

I dont know what to do. A doctor asked if everything was ok at home when i was diagnosed with depression i lied and said yes.

He always tries to turn it around on me.

His first marriage ended because he said she was controlling and had affairs.
He always tries to upset and wind me up in public too.

Im so low in confidence i havent worked for years and he tells me im stupid every day.

OP posts:
Jacquette · 27/01/2025 01:47

Saphire123 · 27/01/2025 01:18

Yes he is an abuser, and a rapist.
You could go back to your Dr and tell him/her, that you were afraid to tell the truth when he asked if everything was OK at home.
He will be able to give you info on who can help.

I agree.

username299 · 27/01/2025 01:59

There's always a way OP. Get in contact with your local domestic abuse organisation and get some support to leave. You need to make a safety plan with a professional as abuse tends to escalate when they lose control.

You can contact Shelter regarding housing, they'll tell you your options. Turn2us can tell you of financial help available.

He's physically, sexually, emotionally abusive and he's not going to stop. Go back to your GP, evidence of the abuse is always useful and she'll know what help is available locally and can make referrals.

EdithBond · 27/01/2025 02:21

username299 · 27/01/2025 01:59

There's always a way OP. Get in contact with your local domestic abuse organisation and get some support to leave. You need to make a safety plan with a professional as abuse tends to escalate when they lose control.

You can contact Shelter regarding housing, they'll tell you your options. Turn2us can tell you of financial help available.

He's physically, sexually, emotionally abusive and he's not going to stop. Go back to your GP, evidence of the abuse is always useful and she'll know what help is available locally and can make referrals.

Agree. It is abuse. There is help to escape it.

At very least, @CheekyPombear, find out about your rights and options.

No one should have to endure it. Look after yourself.

FrauPaige · 27/01/2025 02:21

OP, you have endured quite an ordeal to the point that it has become normalised in your relationship and you are questioning clear acts of abuse.

If there are no children yet in this relationship and you have friends or relatives that you can stay with, I would advise you to leave as soon as possible, preferably while he is at work so he cannot convince or force you to stay.

You are at risk of continued and escalated sexual assault - and this should not be something you tolerate.

Speak with you GP and simply retell these events and support should be available to you.

EdithBond · 27/01/2025 02:27

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:31

If i do mention to a doctor what i have posted on here what would happen?.

You don’t have to report abuse to the police. You only need to escape it.

MrsJHernandez · 27/01/2025 02:38

Oh my God. What a disgusting cnut you're unfortunately married to.

Yes, it was abuse. He raped you.

I expect you're depressed because you're with him!

Sorry to say this, but he doesn't care about you, only about what he wants and needs.

You should make plans to leave. Don't let him know your plan though. Leave quietly. I have the feeling he won't like it and will try to stop you by any means necessary.

I highly doubt his ex wife is the controlling cheater in that relationship. Can you speak to her and find out why they split up? I bet her story reads similar to yours I'm afraid.

Its easy for strangers on the Internet to tell you to leave him. I know its difficult and scary, but honestly, he's not going to change. You only get one life. Do you really want the entirety of yours to be spent being miserable and afraid? You can go on to live a happy and fulfilled life without him, I promise.

Difficultwill · 27/01/2025 04:22

Oh Cheekypombear I am so sorry you are going through this. This is abuse and rape. It will not get better, you cannot change him, and it will continue and possibly escalate.
You need to get out. You are almost certainly depressed because of him. Do you have any children at home or any with him?
Are you on the mortgage or house deeds? Do you work and have your own finances.?
please get some help. Your GP will be very sympathetic and supportive as will Woman’s Aid so please do consider talking to them. Your husband is making you believe no one will take you seriously but look how many responses you have here. We all believe you. A divorce solicitor will believe you.
Please do talk to people. Talk to family or a trusted friend to help you with practical things. Do you have anywhere you can go for a few days to try and get your head rounds things? If you do, block his number so he cannot try and gaslight you into coming back during that time.
Wishing you all the best for the future. You are better off without him.
Sending you virtual hugs

TheAirfryerQueen · 27/01/2025 04:56

You need to get out. Ignore his threats. Ring Womens Aid for advice on how to leave safely. Is there somewhere you can go to? I think your depression will improve once you leave him OP.

I agree with other people, he's a rapist & an abuser.

You are not safe where you are. Please leave.

JustAboutMuddlingThrough · 27/01/2025 06:44

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:31

If i do mention to a doctor what i have posted on here what would happen?.

My exh repeatedly raped and abused me. It took me years to be able to fully tell someone what had happened. I haven't gone to the Police but I did go to the Drs. I've had a lot of miscarriage's since it happened and wanted to make sure he hadn't damaged me internally. The Dr examined me, took some swabs to test for any infections and gave me the telephone numbers for the crisis team and also rape crisis. I haven't used either of them yet but they are there if I do feel I need them. I also asked to be put back on antidepressants. I'm not sure if your Drs are the same but I have to book my appointments via an online consultation form. When I put the reason why I needed the appointment I was given a double one which meant I didn't feel as rushed.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/01/2025 08:56

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:18

I had to go or he would have really tried to make me look bad to others.

I was shaking on the way to the restaurant and if i did start crying he would have called me a attention seeker in front of them.

He also told me to smile and eat that day.

He has never bothered with my family looks down his nose at them.

Said if i do report him to my doctor etc i will be made a fool of in court etc.

Of course you won't be made a fool of in court if you report his behaviour to your doctor. What you divulge to a doctor is confidential information but hopefully he will be able to signpost you to organisations that can help you leave this disgusting man.

You realise that he is very probably lying about his ex-wife?

ItGhoul · 27/01/2025 09:33

He has raped you.

He is controlling you.

He is verbally and psychologically tormenting you.

I’m stunned that you need to ask if this is abuse. Please try to call Women’s Aid as soon as you possibly can. This man is a rapist and an abuser of the worst kind.

ItGhoul · 27/01/2025 09:35

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 01:31

If i do mention to a doctor what i have posted on here what would happen?.

The doctor can signpost you to sources of advice and help.

The doctor cannot disclose what you’ve said to the police or anyone else.

Sallycanwait44 · 27/01/2025 09:35

He raped you :(

Please contact women's aid. No one should be treated like that :(

Bananalanacake · 27/01/2025 09:38

Do you have DC together. Who owns the property you live in. He raped you and you need to get away.

Penguinmouse · 27/01/2025 09:39

I’m so sorry OP. This was rape and I would really encourage you to get out if you can. Call Women’s Aid for some advice if possible.

WhenTheyComeForYou · 27/01/2025 09:42

Yes he’s abusive.

There is a strong correlation with abused people suffering from depression. You are living with someone who doesn’t respect you or treat you kindly. I’m sure his first wife suffered the same.

You deserve better; please don’t waste your life with this nasty man.

Nantescalling · 27/01/2025 10:01

I think everything is confidential but nothing stopping you asking the doctor exactly this. "If I tell you about being abused, will it stay between these 4 walls". He needs to know in any case since this is surely the cause of your depression. Please read this : https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/what-is-abuse/

Jeschara · 27/01/2025 10:02

He is a rapist, he said if you go to court you will make a fool of yourself, rubbish, he will look look bad in front of alot of people.
He is a bully and a coward.

Take control now if you can, tell the Doctor in the first instance, then ring other organisations for advice. This filthy coward knows what he is doing. Also he is arrogant enough to think he will get everything from the divorce, if you own your own home he won't, my ex was NOT a abuser and I got two thirds of the property, he earnt alot more than me.

Good luck, it won't be easy, but it must be better than the life you have now.

BlessedBeTheFruitCake · 27/01/2025 10:14

So sorry this has happened to you. He’s trodden you down so much that you’re questioning if the rape and abuse is on your head. It isn’t. He is a horrible rapist and abuser. Please seek help, take care x

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 15:38

No we dont have children together he has two grown from his first wife.

Also a very long time ago now someone told me that when he was getting divorced from his wife he met many woman one was a vunerable alcoholic who later died.
I was told he would go round to her flat drunk ply her with alcohol and have sex with her and this continued when he got with me.
At the time i thought it was someone just trying to stir it.
She was the daughter of one of his friends and 10 years younger than him.

OP posts:
Liv999 · 27/01/2025 15:45

Please get help OP either from your doctor or somewhere else, he raped you, he is vile and you will be believed

NovemberMorn · 27/01/2025 19:14

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 15:38

No we dont have children together he has two grown from his first wife.

Also a very long time ago now someone told me that when he was getting divorced from his wife he met many woman one was a vunerable alcoholic who later died.
I was told he would go round to her flat drunk ply her with alcohol and have sex with her and this continued when he got with me.
At the time i thought it was someone just trying to stir it.
She was the daughter of one of his friends and 10 years younger than him.

Are you frightened?
If you let people, like the Dr who you have been seeing, know about the way your husband is treating you, you will feel safer in the knowledge that people will be able to help you.
Many, many women have been in a marriage like yours, and they get free, just as you can.
Staying quiet is exactly what your husband wants, he is abusing and raping you,
Please get help.

Treesnbirds · 27/01/2025 19:43

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please please get help. How long have you been together?

If he's happy to rape you and abuse you openly there's every chance he will start doing other hideous things, this isn't going to get better.

Please get out while you can, a lovely life is waiting for you. Sending you a big hug xxx

Treesnbirds · 27/01/2025 19:45

Also, REALLY brilliant that you have made the first step by posting here! That's a tough thing to do.

I d highly recommend contacting one of the charities above as they deal with situations exactly like yours multiple times a day (or an hour? 😥)
They will help you. 💜

savingthespecs · 27/01/2025 21:15

@ItGhoul the doctor can refer to MARAC without consent, police could then take positive action.