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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is This Abuse Or Am I Wrong?

98 replies

CheekyPombear · 27/01/2025 00:59

My husband who is more than a decade older has always wanted his own way.

Today i didnt want sex he turned me over and spat on my bum and did the deed.

I asked him why he did it and he denied it calling me a liar saying he didnt spit it was his finger.
Later on he admitted he spit saying i was dry and im too soft.

On boxing day i felt really ill with flu we were due to go for a meal with his daughter and her husbands family and i didnt want to go.
He told me he was having none of my soft nonsense and to get dressed and i better dress up.
I had to go.

I was diagnosed with depression two months ago he doesnt seem bothered.
Always putting me down.

Forced me to go to his works party last year.
He also drinks at a bar every single night.

I dont know what to do. A doctor asked if everything was ok at home when i was diagnosed with depression i lied and said yes.

He always tries to turn it around on me.

His first marriage ended because he said she was controlling and had affairs.
He always tries to upset and wind me up in public too.

Im so low in confidence i havent worked for years and he tells me im stupid every day.

OP posts:
JHound · 26/02/2025 08:45

There was somebody who thought you were being unreasonable?

WHUT?

KnickerlessParsons · 26/02/2025 08:47

There's a quick cure for your depression OP. Leave your rapist, bully husband.

Darkmorningsarethepits · 26/02/2025 08:49

Please contact women’s aid.
There is a national contact via text or email and they can direct you to your local team or you can look your local service up. There is also a national domestic abuse helpline.

They will let you take things at your own pace and won’t divulge any information to anyone without your consent. But they will recognise you are being abused and help you plan a way forwards.

Leaving won’t be easy when you are financially dependant on him but it can absolutely still be done and they can help you with this. Refuges are available where you will be safe and helped to make a new life and find work, get therapy and manage both the practical and emotional aspects of what you are going through.

They can also help you report the rape and control to the Police but again this is your choice and when you feel able to.

The first step is to call them. You will need your local team
https://www.google.com/search?q=womens+aid+helpline&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari#

or use the national domestic abuse helpline 0808 2000 247

MellowJello77 · 26/02/2025 08:55

Leave him op! You only get one life and he’s ruining it for you. Don’t let him make you believe you are stuck.

According to Google: If your husband owns the house solely in his name but you were married and living in it during the marriage, you still have a legal right to a share of the property in a divorce, even if your name isn't on the deed, as the house is considered a "matrimonial asset" and the court will likely split the equity fairly based on the circumstances of your marriage; it's crucial to seek legal advice to understand your specific rights in this situation

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/02/2025 09:00

@CheekyPombear I have just came across your post.
This is awful I am so sorry for you .

Have you spoke to women’s aid or your dr yet ?
Please go back to the dr and tell her you know why you have depression and tell her what is going on and about the rape and being forced in every aspect of life. .

Womens aid will help support you and get you out. . You will be entitled to legal aid.
You will get half the house and half his savings so he can hide all he likes. .

He really is one of the worst men you read about.
Start speaking up tell hiM if he touches you again you will report it!

He knows he is in the wrong this is why he is asking what the dr said and what you
told them . He knows you will be believed and is trying to silence you with more fear and threats.

Do you have any friends for support or has he isolated you ? Please get help and get out .

StasisMom · 26/02/2025 09:05

I would rather live anywhere than with him!

CheekyPombear · 03/03/2025 01:26

He is good at trying to play the victim. He said his first wife had loads of affairs and that is why they split.
He is always saying im stupid and lazy.

OP posts:
username299 · 03/03/2025 01:41

CheekyPombear · 03/03/2025 01:26

He is good at trying to play the victim. He said his first wife had loads of affairs and that is why they split.
He is always saying im stupid and lazy.

Please contact a domestic abuse organisation and make a plan to leave. I wish you strength.💐

Deedeesharpwhatkindoflady · 03/03/2025 04:00

Men like him are not as clever as they think they are.With the right support you can get away from him and in time if it's what you want get him prosecuted and have him face up to his crime's.
In the first instance I hope you're able to get out of this horrific situation.

FreeWave · 03/03/2025 04:16

He has been mind controlling you, and this is rape, and your depression is probably caused by him. Call the police and leave him!

Zanatdy · 03/03/2025 06:22

Do you have family you can go to OP? Please leave this awful man. It’s no wonder you’re suffering from depression when you’re treated this way.

notatinydancer · 03/03/2025 08:31

Have you got anywhere you can go?
I think you need to go asap , pack a bag while he's at work.
Have you got access to any money?

CheekyPombear · 14/03/2025 23:51

He is retirement age next year.
If I did file for divorce he said because of his age I would be lucky to get £5000.
Also if i did report him to the police he said his younger brother (who is quite well off) would just get him a really good barrister.
I hate him he is dead arrogant still thinks he is gods gift and looks down his nose at me.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 15/03/2025 01:06

CheekyPombear · 14/03/2025 23:51

He is retirement age next year.
If I did file for divorce he said because of his age I would be lucky to get £5000.
Also if i did report him to the police he said his younger brother (who is quite well off) would just get him a really good barrister.
I hate him he is dead arrogant still thinks he is gods gift and looks down his nose at me.

He is wrong about the age thing and no matter how good a barrister, they cant change the letter of the law.

Elsvieta · 15/03/2025 06:33

CheekyPombear · 14/03/2025 23:51

He is retirement age next year.
If I did file for divorce he said because of his age I would be lucky to get £5000.
Also if i did report him to the police he said his younger brother (who is quite well off) would just get him a really good barrister.
I hate him he is dead arrogant still thinks he is gods gift and looks down his nose at me.

Perhaps it's time to stop worrying about what he says, and think more about what YOU say, and what you're going to do?

What he says is nonsense. He thinks you're stupid. Don't be. Stop listening and start making a plan.

EdithBond · 15/03/2025 09:12

Hi @CheekyPombear, you’ve been raped and are experiencing coercive control, which is also unlawful.

You must get out of this relationship and your home. You can do this. Don’t listen to your STBX. Get out and get your own advice on your rights and go from there. You have rights if you’ve been married 20 years.

  1. You need to get out of the home as soon as possible, as your safety (both physical and psychological) is being compromised. Can you stay with a family member or friend? It sounds like if you stay and take any next steps you may be at risk of telling him. You’re entitled to temporary accommodation from the council (housing options), due to domestic abuse. But I suggest, if possible, staying with someone who loves you for a few weeks as a first step.
  2. As soon as you’re out, contact Women’s Aid or a local domestic abuse charity. They should be able to refer you to counselling to help you start to process what’s happened to you and help you move forward. It will all be in confidence. You won’t have to ‘report’ him. The help is for you.
  3. Once out, go back to your GP and tell them everything: the rape, the abuse. There’s no such thing as ‘reporting’ someone to a GP. Your GP is there to treat you in confidence. It may help later to have abuse recorded with a GP.
  4. Domestic abuse charities can also refer you to a specialist solicitor and you may be entitled to legal aid, due to the domestic abuse. They’ll be able to advise you on your entitlements in the divorce.
  5. Go to the Job Centre and explain your situation, apply for Universal Credit and start applying for jobs. Having a job will boost your morale and give you financial independence.

You must get out. You have housing entitlements, even if you get nothing from the divorce, which I believe you will. You’ll be entitled to temporary accommodation from the council and to apply for a social home (depending on local criteria). There are social homes specifically for over 55s.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_domestic_abuse

Shelter icon

Help if you're homeless because of domestic abuse - Shelter England

Get homeless help from the council or support from a domestic abuse charity. Get safe emergency housing or find a place in a refuge. Ask any council for help.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/help_if_youre_homeless_domestic_abuse

JustAboutMuddlingThrough · 15/03/2025 16:43

CheekyPombear · 14/03/2025 23:51

He is retirement age next year.
If I did file for divorce he said because of his age I would be lucky to get £5000.
Also if i did report him to the police he said his younger brother (who is quite well off) would just get him a really good barrister.
I hate him he is dead arrogant still thinks he is gods gift and looks down his nose at me.

I walked away from my abusive exh with absolutely nothing except my clothes. It’s taken me a long time but I’ve gradually started to build my life back up again. I’m still mentally and emotionally damaged but in 17 days I will have slept fear free for 7 years

CheekyPombear · 06/04/2025 02:52

He makes me go with him to see his older sister and her husband.
I havent seen my dad and brother properly for years he wont see them.
Says im lying about being depressed.
He hit my temple with a mobile phone yesterday.

OP posts:
username299 · 06/04/2025 02:57

CheekyPombear · 06/04/2025 02:52

He makes me go with him to see his older sister and her husband.
I havent seen my dad and brother properly for years he wont see them.
Says im lying about being depressed.
He hit my temple with a mobile phone yesterday.

I'm sorry to hear he's continuing to be physically abusive. You're in a very abusive relationship. I hope you can find the strength to contact a domestic abuse organisation.

SingtotheCat · 06/04/2025 08:26

CheekyPombear · 06/04/2025 02:52

He makes me go with him to see his older sister and her husband.
I havent seen my dad and brother properly for years he wont see them.
Says im lying about being depressed.
He hit my temple with a mobile phone yesterday.

I am so sorry he did this to you. He is escalating and sounds dangerous.
If you reported this physical assault and the rape to police and then disclose all the other abuse, it could be a way to get bail conditions or a domestic violence prevention order/notice, so that he can’t contact you or go back to your home. It doesn’t matter who pays for that home currently.
You could also ask police for referral for an IDVA. That is an independent domestic violence advisor.
Please save yourself from this man, make contact with you family, start telling you trust and who care about you about what he is doing to you.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 06/04/2025 08:52

CheekyPombear · 14/03/2025 23:51

He is retirement age next year.
If I did file for divorce he said because of his age I would be lucky to get £5000.
Also if i did report him to the police he said his younger brother (who is quite well off) would just get him a really good barrister.
I hate him he is dead arrogant still thinks he is gods gift and looks down his nose at me.

He's just saying those things to trick you into not doing it.

JMSA · 06/04/2025 09:01

Shit, he’s a rapist and an abusive bastard.
RUN.

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