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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think life is very different now?

109 replies

CockerMum · 26/01/2025 08:34

Just for context we have no children but are planning to start a family (as in trying now) hence I may be more sensitive than usual to these kinds of comments.
MiL has DH and his brother. She has always made comments about how children (but in particular boys) need their mum until the age of 5. Yesterday she made this comment again over dinner, and I said that life is different now to how it was when she was raising her children and the reality is for many families both parents need to work to pay the bills. I went on to say that DH and I both need to work to pay our bills. Mil said she thinks the government should pay for mothers to stay home with children until the age of 6. I said that is a totally unrealistic policy.
AIBU to be irked at her implication that
a) mothers should stay home, as opposed to fathers (she never mentions fathers staying home although tbh in our case it is more likely DH would cut working hours as I earn more)
b) it is cruel to put children into childcare settings pre school
and
c) boys need their mothers more than girls (obviously she is biased having had two boys in whom she can see no wrong)

How to handle these conversations? I worry that when we have kids she will go on and on about it.

OP posts:
Thelondonone · 26/01/2025 08:35

Just ignore her. Smile and nod-then get on with your life.

Octopies · 26/01/2025 08:39

Odd that she thinks boys need their Mums more than girls and gives her opinion based on having zero experiences of parenting a girl! I wouldn't even know where to begin with having a conversation with someone who is so clearly talking out their arse, so I'd probably keep quiet and let DH speak or change the subject.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 26/01/2025 08:40

She hasn't got a clue what she's talking about to take no notice of her.

MassiveSalad22 · 26/01/2025 08:41

Get into the habit of letting this wash I’ve you now as these comments will probably continue once you have a baby 😁 you could try and combat it but MIL unlikely to change I’d imagine.

whyamiawakestillitssolate · 26/01/2025 08:43

I don’t think she’s totally wrong - except for the boys bit that’s just silly - I think in an ideal world it would be better for the child to have a parent at home with them full time until at least age 3. I say that as someone who went back to work part time when my youngest was 1 but that was for me / my career / household finances and it was tough on my dd at times when staff changed at the nursery / when she felt poorly etc.

Musntapplecrumble · 26/01/2025 08:43

Thelondonone · 26/01/2025 08:35

Just ignore her. Smile and nod-then get on with your life.

Nailed 😊

LauritaEvita · 26/01/2025 08:44

I’d try not to get into too deep a convo about a situation that isn’t even happening. I’d just try and say something like ‘oh that’d be ideal wouldn’t it. I’ll have to put the lotto on!’ And then move the convo on. You and your husband will be doing what ever you want once any baby is here and she won’t have any say in it.

Original poster
CockerMum · 26/01/2025 08:46

whyamiawakestillitssolate · 26/01/2025 08:43

I don’t think she’s totally wrong - except for the boys bit that’s just silly - I think in an ideal world it would be better for the child to have a parent at home with them full time until at least age 3. I say that as someone who went back to work part time when my youngest was 1 but that was for me / my career / household finances and it was tough on my dd at times when staff changed at the nursery / when she felt poorly etc.

obviously in an ideal world we would have the freedom to do this but as I pointed out to her that is just not the reality for most families now and it irks me that she keeps bringing it up knowing this full well, like - what does she expect us to do!?
My DH said if she mentions it when we have a baby he will suggest that ILs could pay me to stay at home if that’s what they think is best 🤣

OP posts:
JaneBoleynViscountessRochford · 26/01/2025 08:46

My Gran always used to the same about boys, she had five of each so was pretty experienced but still a load of nonsense, out of my boy and girl, DD is definitely the clingiest. I think it’s a generational thing, the same as men needing giant big plates of food and having to be fed first (also things she would say).

If you are planning on working you will come up against these kind of opinions all the time so you need to grow a thick skin about it.

Original poster
CockerMum · 26/01/2025 08:46

LauritaEvita · 26/01/2025 08:44

I’d try not to get into too deep a convo about a situation that isn’t even happening. I’d just try and say something like ‘oh that’d be ideal wouldn’t it. I’ll have to put the lotto on!’ And then move the convo on. You and your husband will be doing what ever you want once any baby is here and she won’t have any say in it.

I think you’re right keeping it light is the best way and I will take this approach from now on

OP posts:
Dearg · 26/01/2025 08:47

Well that may be her view, but in my experience it’s simply not true. Even in my day ( I am 63) , mothers went back to work after their short maternity leave. Most had to.

My view, and I am not a mother so it’s purely observational, is that for many children, seeing their parents go out to work is good role modelling, and the little ones in my extended family seem to gain a lot from nursery.

Try to ignore her. Trust me, you have a lot of years ahead in which to practice blocking her out.

MrsSchrute · 26/01/2025 08:49

whyamiawakestillitssolate · 26/01/2025 08:43

I don’t think she’s totally wrong - except for the boys bit that’s just silly - I think in an ideal world it would be better for the child to have a parent at home with them full time until at least age 3. I say that as someone who went back to work part time when my youngest was 1 but that was for me / my career / household finances and it was tough on my dd at times when staff changed at the nursery / when she felt poorly etc.

Yeah I agree with this. In an ideal world it would be better for a parent to be home full time with a preschool aged child.
I was so privileged to be able to be home with mine in their early years. DH is a middle earner and we definitely had to tighten our belts, but it was totally worth it.

Alabas · 26/01/2025 08:49

The only thing that matters is what works for your family. Some parents are better off not working, some are better off working part time, some better off working full time. There is no ideal scenario, families are not all the same.

Smile, nod and ignore. This is just the beginning in a long line of unwarranted opinions when starting a family.

SallyWD · 26/01/2025 08:50

My MIL has different views to me in maby things. There's a big cultural difference. I calmly and politely stood firm on matters involving my children that were important to me. On other matters I just smile and change the subject.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/01/2025 08:51

She's wrong for saying and I say that as a MIL.

Meanwhile, nod and smile and as I think you said just say "oh, I'd love to MIL but your DS doesn't earn enough".

Bonefree · 26/01/2025 08:51

I think it would be nice for parents to have a choice to reduce their work days to allow time with their child. I worked part time then became a sahm. My friend and her husband dropped to 4 days each so they each had a full day with their child. Or to stop working altogether and be a sahp for whatever length of time.

Not everyone enjoys being a sahm as MN threads are testament to that and not everyone wants to work whilst having a young child. This is about personal choice and the hope that people can make it work for them.

I had comments from my MIL who was a sahm until her children were in secondary school because I returned part time. But hers were said with love about how much she loved it not that I should do x,y,z just because she did. Ultimately it worked for your MIL but you are not her.

Zanatdy · 26/01/2025 08:51

It’s a generation thing. Just ignore her

Risheth · 26/01/2025 08:53

Gos, just say what I say when my MIL sounds off about something ‘God, Kathleen, I’d rather cut my own head off than stay at home for five years’, or ‘Little boys need their father’s undivided attention for five years in my view, so maybe ask DH if he feels bring a CEO is incompatible with parenthood?’

username299 · 26/01/2025 08:53

I don't know why you're arguing with her. She's obviously not open to changing her mind so it's a waste of time.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 26/01/2025 08:54

MrsSchrute · 26/01/2025 08:49

Yeah I agree with this. In an ideal world it would be better for a parent to be home full time with a preschool aged child.
I was so privileged to be able to be home with mine in their early years. DH is a middle earner and we definitely had to tighten our belts, but it was totally worth it.

Show quote history

Better for who? Each family is different and it plenty of mums find it better for their mental health to be working. I don’t think any child benefits from an unhappy mum. You wanted to SAH and were able to that’s great. I’m able to SAH and am choosing to return part time, that’s also great.

OP, I would ignore her, she sounds like an old fuddy duddy with bizarre views about boys so I would just ignore.

Octavia64 · 26/01/2025 08:54

Many people believe that it would be good if one parent was able to stay at home with their children for at least the first couple of years.

But there's what is ideal and there is reality. If you both need to work to pay the bills then that's the way it is.

You are reasonable to be irked. She isn't going to be the only person to express this to you so I'd start preparing what to say and practicing it.

Maybe something along the lines of

"Well it's good if they're not homeless either" or "we all have to make our own decisions" etc etc.

DeffoNeedANameChange · 26/01/2025 08:57

The boy/girl thing is ridiculous. But I do worry that we're at a point where no one likes to say out loud that actually it is better for young children to spend as much time as possible with their primary caregivers.

And I fully understand that the current financial model usually does rely on both parents working, so it's not individual parents' fault, and there's not much point feeling guilty about it. But still, full time nursery from 6/9/12 months old is not an ideal environment for a child's formative years.

ListenDontJudge · 26/01/2025 08:58

Pretend to misunderstand 'oh my goodness, have I got this right, you're offering to pay half our mortgage?'

ArmyBarbie · 26/01/2025 08:59

It aounds like she's a cery black and white thinker and unlikely to change her views. This will obviously come up a lot more when you do have children, and there are vound to be other aspects of your parenting that she disagrees with too. Sothe most important thing is just making sure that your DH is fully on your side and prepared to shut his mother down if need be, and not leave it all to you

TishHope · 26/01/2025 09:00

She's an idiot. As others have said, smile vaguely and move on.

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