To think life is very different now?

[CockerMum]

Just for context we have no children but are planning to start a family (as in trying now) hence I may be more sensitive than usual to these kinds of comments.
MiL has DH and his brother. She has always made comments about how children (but in particular boys) need their mum until the age of 5. Yesterday she made this comment again over dinner, and I said that life is different now to how it was when she was raising her children and the reality is for many families both parents need to work to pay the bills. I went on to say that DH and I both need to work to pay our bills. Mil said she thinks the government should pay for mothers to stay home with children until the age of 6. I said that is a totally unrealistic policy.
AIBU to be irked at her implication that
a) mothers should stay home, as opposed to fathers (she never mentions fathers staying home although tbh in our case it is more likely DH would cut working hours as I earn more)
b) it is cruel to put children into childcare settings pre school
and
c) boys need their mothers more than girls (obviously she is biased having had two boys in whom she can see no wrong)

How to handle these conversations? I worry that when we have kids she will go on and on about it.

If it's a monologue and not a conversation as in she isn't interested in hearing other views then just be polite.
She's one person and it's her opinion, that's fine we all have opinions.
Given she's your mil, I'd try to see where she's coming from and see the good intentions even if I didn't agree, so I could say things like 'the parent-child bond is very important, sometimes being at home full time isn't possible these days but the child can still be secure and loved'.

They’re just her opinions, she allowed to have them. You’re allowed not to agree but I’d not loose sleep over it. This is parenting, someone will always be happy to tell you how badly you’re doing it.

We all have that relative who loves to guilt trip a mother for working. Just politely say you do not agree and smile.

Ignore her OP, you're unlikely to change her mind and engaging will just annoy you.

On the whole topic, though - "better" is such a subjective term. A lot of people believe it is "better" for the child to have a parent (the mother, obviously) at home for some amount of time with the child. It is probably "better" for the husband as well, to have someone at home. It may be easier and "better" for the family for one person (guess who) looking after the children and the house.

My stumbling block is that this person is invariably the mother. And sadly for my husband and children, I was not willing to forego my career, financial independence, feeling of participation in the wider world to make all their lives "better" at the expense of mine

I think you are already handling it well op; sticking to the facts that you need to return to work for financial reasons.

Your mil seems to be staking her claim perhaps on future child-sitting duties?

If she persists in making these comments then your dh should step in. Tbh, the fact that she already feels comfortable airing her opinion on this matter before you have even had a child, indicates that she has poor boundaries, so beware!

I wouldn’t be afraid of very politely saying something like “there is a lot of pressure on mothers nowadays who are judged for both staying at home and for going back to work, so I hope we can rely on your support whatever dh and I decide to do?” And put your shoulders back and look her very steadily in the eye while you say it.

I don’t actually disagree with her very generally about dc below the age of three in paid childcare settings, but a lot depends on the quality of care provided, and the mother’s mh, and realistically in today’s financial climate, many parents find it’s the only way to make ends meet. And all of that is irrelevant anyway as what’s important is that this is a decision to be made beween you and your dh and no one else.

And her favouring of little boys is bats of course!

Better for the child, better for the whole family. In my experience one adult being at home means you have less spending money, and so have to cut your clothes accordingly, but it is so much less stressful, no rushing around to get to nursery before work, less chores to do at the weekend, lots of individual adult attention etc.
Obviously not all families can afford to do so however.

So 3 years off with each child? Which would entrench the inability of women to have a career and be financially independent?

Technically she’s not wrong.

Practically, it’s virtually impossible these days

I can't disagree with her in that it would be great to have more extended parental leave, with pay. I also think it's better for a child's development to spend more time with their primary care givers.

I don't agree it should necessarily be the mother who stays home, nor that boys need this more than girls.

Is she being clumsy and saying she's sorry women mostly can't afford to stay home these days (if they want to, which is another discussion), or is she being judgey, do you think?

Also is she working herself? If not, and she believes in a child being in a family environment, perhaps she might help out with childcare then? I would put that to her.

What I don't understand is why some MILs feel they have a right to comment directly to their DILs. My MIL used to make comments so I told my DH that he'd better tell his mother to shut up or she wouldn't be coming into my house. There's no particular reason I'd ever have to see her - she's not my mother - and I certainly didn't have to listen to her wang on like an idiot. My DH was diplomatic about it (thankfully, I couldn't have been!) and reminded her that to me, she is just a person that happens to be attached to my husband, she has no right whatsoever to make any observations about my life (any more than I have a right to say anything about her). It took a while but she got the message.

Your DH needs to deal with this. I would never ever let anyone in my family make rude comments to my DH so he should equally protect me from his family.

I would add that how right or wrong she is is totally irrelevant. She shouldn't be commenting, it's rude.

I'd just ask her about the days when dh was little, what they did etc. Don't argue but do let her talk about an important time in her life.

I'm 55, so me and all my parent friends have grown up children now. Hand on heart you can't tell who did what in the early years - nursery, nanny, Granny care, full time SAHP, part time, full time. There are positives (and negatives) in every form of family life. You're also allowed to - gasp - make choices that benefit YOU without justifying it to the world. I'm just glad I didn't have to leave my children with my mum and go halfway round the world to make a living like some of my colleagues had to do.

I would say; it would be great wouldn’t? But your son doesn’t want to stay at home full time for the next 5 years, and sadly he doesn’t earn enough to support me doing it.

I don’t think it is always better for the child. If I stayed at home I’d miss the adult interaction and mental stimulation I get from my career. Sorry but IME of mummy groups they are not talking about the economy/stock market etc.

I know my personality means I’m not able to provide 7 days a week of baby/toddler friendly stimulating activities, some people are, but I’m not one of them! I genuinely think I would end up depressed and living in my pyjamas in front of the TV, I honestly can’t see how that would be better for my kids vs an engaged, mentally stimulated mum who enjoys and values her time with them.

I’m also not a huge fan of housework, and PT work means we can afford a regular cleaner so I have to do very, very little housework and virtually no chores are required at weekends. Plenty of adult attention also available from me/my husband/granny and childcare as well.

Like I said, we could afford for me to SAH, but I don’t want to. I find the view that every woman is wishing she was at home and it’s always better for the children very irritating because I don’t think it’s true for a lot of families.

Yep! And if she gets too much, your DH needs to have a word.

She doesn’t sound very bright.

Well, I’m sure fathers will flock in droves to being SAHPs once they realise this.

"Very interesting. Thank you for sharing".

Ad infinitum.

I think you're taking this way too personally, op, especially considering you don't have kids yet.

Isn't it possible your MIL is pleased that she was able to stay home with her kids and thinks it benefited them? She might not be thinking of you at all.

Also, her comment about the government is the type we all make, surely? We wish the government would do X, y or z but know is never going to happen. Doesn't mean she's wrong (the childcare situation in the UK is appalling) and even if you disagree I don't see why it's a big deal to you.

I understand that it annoys you, but I agree with her that mothers should have the option to stay at home with their children (of both genders, I don't know what she is on about with that) until age 5-7. And they are able to in some circumstances. My sister and her husband get universal credit on top of his wage so that she is able to do this, but she will be working full time next year (when her youngest is 5)

I don't really know, some dad's will have a great bond with their children and potentially they could be the stay at home parent, but they don't seem to need their mum's comfort more from what I have seen

Sorry, they Do seem to

I think that women who choose to and can afford to be SAHP can often provide a great upbringing for their child/ren. However, I do think that pre-school settings offer so much to little ones that they are almost essential.
Life isn’t like that though, there are far fewer homes with only one wage coming in so that’s a massive thing. All children need their parents but that doesn’t mean mum shouldn’t work, kids need a secure environment and nursery etc can and does provide that.
I would have no objection to a parent receiving govt funding to stay at home for early years but I would want to think the children are being properly nurtured. I see a fair few mums who survive on benefits (this life might affect their mental health) and are dragging up their kids; often due to a familial cycle. Working mums often get more done because they are busy; they somehow squeeze in playtime and reading, outings at the weekend etc because they have to be organised.
Working mums are responding to the needs of their family. Sometimes it’s tough and I don’t envy the pressure but that’s the way of it for many.
Disclaimer - I am not saying parents on benefits are automatically worse parents; I see some very good ones. I’m saying working mums can be very good ones.

If you were feeling mean you could point out that it might be an option if her son earned more...

But generally, just ignore it. Let her have her opinion, and carry on living your life as you want/need. My MIL doesn't understand why we don't go out for dinner every Saturday night and pay for some random teenager to babysit, because that's what she did.

Smile and ignore.

YANBU but no need to fall out with MIL

shes wrong on every point of course

As others have said, don't engage. Keep it light. Water off a duck's back.

She will irritate you even more once you have children so practice now.