To think life is very different now?

[CockerMum]

Just for context we have no children but are planning to start a family (as in trying now) hence I may be more sensitive than usual to these kinds of comments.
MiL has DH and his brother. She has always made comments about how children (but in particular boys) need their mum until the age of 5. Yesterday she made this comment again over dinner, and I said that life is different now to how it was when she was raising her children and the reality is for many families both parents need to work to pay the bills. I went on to say that DH and I both need to work to pay our bills. Mil said she thinks the government should pay for mothers to stay home with children until the age of 6. I said that is a totally unrealistic policy.
AIBU to be irked at her implication that
a) mothers should stay home, as opposed to fathers (she never mentions fathers staying home although tbh in our case it is more likely DH would cut working hours as I earn more)
b) it is cruel to put children into childcare settings pre school
and
c) boys need their mothers more than girls (obviously she is biased having had two boys in whom she can see no wrong)

How to handle these conversations? I worry that when we have kids she will go on and on about it.

So with all the problems that need addressing she thinks the government should pay mothers to stay at home? What's her master plan to enable this? So many people think they can overhaul the country without a clue how to do it.

But your DH is right. If she starts she can pay you to stay at home!

Yep. Don't engage.

Everybody is entitled to hold their own views, but you don't have to agree or get embroiled in a discussion about it.

When she says "the government should pay for a parent to stay home" just say "wouldn't that be nice".

Why is your husband letting all this be directed at you? If he’s going to be the equal parent and partner you presumably want him to be, he should be telling his mother that he doesn’t earn enough for you to stay home, your career matters, and in any case he wants to be an active and equal father who will also have time off if it’s affordable.

Agree

I'd probably say, 'I'd love one of us to stay home till they were 3/6 but that won't sadly pay our massive mortgage, so hey ho! More tea?!'

It’s a bit shit that the freedom to choose to stay at home or return to work has come at the cost of devaluing the stay at home /unpaid caring roles.

Sorry haven't RTFT, have something about to boil.

I also earned more than DH. So every time anyone said anything like that to me (even if they said something about mothers) I'd say "DH just loves his career and he's worked so hard for it, I could never ask him to give it up". It discombobulates them, because the thought of a) a man caring for his children and b) a woman earning more is alien to these types.

Fwiw,I went back full time and never regretted it.

I agree personally that for my children it was best to have me at home BECAUSE I WANTED TO (and one SEN so luckily I wanted to😅). But a friend of mine really didn't like playing with her children, doing crafts, taking them out to the playground etc and her kids thrived in the nursery in a way they wouldn't have done at home with their mum. So I would say it all really depends on what is POSSIBLE financially wise AND on what's best for the children. I have always loved taking care of children but we are all different and being a good mother is not reluctantly staying home with your child; it's doing what's best for the child.

If you are lucly enough to have a baby, you will soon learn to not give a fuck about what others think so don't give it any headspace op

Unfortunately life has got harder for most people in that both parents need to work now to pay the bills. Your MIl Is not being realistic, just ignore her.

It would be nice if your DH shut the conversation down if she keeps going on about it but realistically she's not going to be convinced to change her view so I would just ignore. Having said that, once you do have a baby and she sees the reality of how it all works now in practice, her perception may change a little. The boys thing I would definitely just ignore!

I've never been a SAHM but in all honesty I do think it's best for the child to have a SAHP if being completely black and white about it.

But for me you cant think of the above in isolation. The following are all true for me and if only 1 applied I might have stayed home for his benefit but as a package I'm comfortable with my decison:

• My mental health would be on the floor and I would be unhappy
• My own financial situation would be precarious.
• We would be worse off financially as a family...now and in future. And DS's quality of life in the financial sense long term would be significantly worse.
• DS would have a default parent (I love that he has always been equally happy with either one of us)
• I have a perfect balance (IMO) now as I am able to be home at end of school time. I was only able to do this by having kept my career going full time after mat leave and getting myself into a position to negotiate.

I loved my mum being at home when I was a child.

But I didn’t know different. Dad came home at 5pm.

Life’s not like that now. I’m freelance & often WFH.

DS would prefer me not to be distracted by work.

And DH works long hours. Your MIL had it good…

She can have her opinions but they are not realistic. As PP have said, just smile and move on and ignore.
IMHO, she is completely wrong on all points. Nursery is a great thing for kids, it helps them socialise, share, learn skills from professionals etc.
I was lucky enough to go part time so my kids experience nursery and a parent at home. DH worked from home and has done for 20 years so kids had both of us there a lot.
Do what works for your family.

My MIL said similar things, and occasionally still does. But she has a daughter and two sons and all of her daughter and daughter in law's work. So she's had to bite her tongue as she's outnumbered.

I think it's fairly common of her generation to think it - her and most of her peers will have stayed at home, so they're bound to think that's the right choice. But they don't have experience of how much housing costs now. Also, I think in our family all the women out-earn the men so we'd be making ourselves significantly poorer by taking her advice.

The tactic around our dinner table is usually to change the subject and pretend she hasn't said anything

Smile and nod. Then, merrily do exactly as you please. She has no power over your decisions unless you give it to her.

Yes, clearly our generation is doing so much better, raising kids with lower rates of suicide, fewer MH issues, higher levels of life satisfaction than the previous generation... Oh, wait...

How to handle these conversations? I worry that when we have kids she will go on and on about it.

Why are you bothering even thinking about it. Life is too short. She isn't saying anything nasty and it doesn't sound like she is trying to upset you so smile and nod and enjoy the rest of your day.

Two things can be true at the same time. 1) all other things being equal, children are better off not being put into nursery at a very young age and 2) varying family circumstances mean that a child can be better off being put into nursery at a young age.

Everyone has different ways of doing things.
My mam is in her late 60s and spent a lot of time with her grandparents when growing up whilst both her parents worked.
My mam worked part time around school hours (went back to work after I was 2 as maternity leave was only a few weeks and had to leave her job for 2 years when she had my sister, went back to work then had to leave again to have me) and my dad was a police officer so used to stay up after night shifts/late shifts to look after us.
We weren't in childcare until school nursery. My dad parents were busy looking after my cousins and my mams parents weren't well enough for childcare and nursery is expensive.

I'm 36 now.

My cousins were in nursery/brought up by grandparents and my auntie and uncle hardly ever took AL during school holidays.

I am the shift worker in our house, my husband works 4 days compressed hours. We need 1 afterschool childcare per week.
I didn't feel comfortable sending my child into childcare when she was unable to speak and not toilet trained. Also the price of childcare was more than my wage!

I agree. In an ideal world both parents would, eg, work 4 days a week with a child in daycare (if no extended family) for only 3 days. Obviously impossible for many people but it would be good to have a society wide conversation without judgment or condemnation of others’ situations/decisions

Agree life is very different now. As for who needs someone more, I would argue boys need their dad more than ever as a hopefully good role model.

Agree. Her saying she thinks the gov should pay sounds to me like she's trying to say she feels sorry for you. From what you've written, I don't she expects you to not work, or even thinks that you should given the financial circumstances. Maybe she's just saying she wishes it was different for you.

It's an insensitive thing to say for sure, but I would try to see the good if you can. Just say "yeah that would be nice wouldn't it" and change the subject

She's not unreasonable to have or even express her own opinions, but she is unreasonable to keep banging on about it making it a criticism of you and wearing you down.

Most of what she said is ridiculous, though I do think children benefit from having a SAHP in the early years.

"Thank you for sharing your opinion. Would you like another cup of coffee?"