Overbearing and suffocating boyfriend

[LaaLaaLady]

So my partner and I have been together a year. We both have kids, we don't live together. I knew that he had ADHD from early on... I'm mentioning this for info, not sure if it has any relevance, and I don't want to be offensive to anyone reading, but I'm wondering if autism also.

I find him overwhelming. He has said before he's obsessed with me, I told him that made me uncomfortable as it's not healthy to feel like that. He agrees with everything I do and say, seems to have no opinion. Always talking, texting, wanting very in depth conversations about our relationship, which I'm not always in the mood for after a long day at work and my 2 children to see to. Hyper fixated on me like I'm perfect. I'll tell him I like my alone time and need to chill tonight and I might be on the quiet side for the evening, at which point he'll go completely silent for 24-36 hours. There's no in the middle.

Then, he needs to settle that in his mind... Why I need alone time or quiet time. He always wants to understand how I'm feeling, point out how worried he is about me if I need a quiet night, when I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I can't give him everything, every second he needs attention.

Once I snapped at him one morning. It happens between couples, right? All I said, not shouting, when he was talking and talking at me, was 'can I just drink my coffee and have 5 bloody minutes peace?!'. He went totally quiet, and was quiet for 2 hours. We had to have another chat about how, one again, he was worried about me, how hard it was for him to see me like that as if there is something dreadfully wrong with me.

It's exhausting, like multiple times a week. He stresses that he needs to understand me and the situation again and again, to know what's going on in my mind. Which I in turn find intrusive at points and he doesn't give up wanting to know about how I feel, constantly.

Another thing, if I go out with a friend for a drink, he likes me to check in. When I didn't once about 6m into our relationship, I finally got to his messages about 10pm. He was frantic, he told me he almost reached out to my other friends to try to get hold of me, he even considered calling police. I told him that was unreasonable, that I'm a grown women and he isn't my dad.

I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to him about it more than once, his face just goes blank and he says he doesn't understand. I'm suffocated but I do love him.

Sorry for the essay. Thought, opinions and advise welcome.

@LaaLaaLady my son is Auadhd and you’ve just described my child. He’s 7, it’s exhausting. No advice but I get why being on all the time is hard work.

Why on eath would you be attracted to and tolerating such batshit behaviour?
Look at that asap.

This x1000.

Raise your standards, OP. Find an adult, not a needy, clingy, juvenile game-playing weirdo.

I voted YABU by choosing to stay in this relationship. His good points are irrelevant, the relationship is unhealthy, its smothering and intense. It isn't making you happy, that's what matters. Why would you want to continue this and why would you want to subject your children to this? You are not happy, that's the only reason you need to end it.

I am autistic and am not like this. I also have a psychology degree and I'm a social worker. I recognise this as anxious attachment. He does some push and pull stuff, because he's afraid of rejection so he will reject you harder (the going quiet thing).

Someone who is autistic or ADHD is more susceptible to attachment trauma during childhood, especially because they're genetic conditions so the parent was likely also ND which can affect their attachment with the infant. It is highly likely therefore that he has a disordered attachment style.

You're going to find that this behaviour won't change. It isn't malicious or intentional: it's an act of psychological survival for him. So you will need to either stay whilst he gets intensive DBT type therapy; or leave for your own sanity.

Pretty harsh considering there are clear psychological diagnostic issues at play, as I clearly stated in my fist post, but if it makes you feel better to offer nothing more than the suggestion he is 'batshit' then you go right ahead.

It's not about standards, I couldn't see this behaviour when we met. And your description is not useful. As I pointed out to the person you replied to, try reading my initial post when I pointed out about the diagnostic issues on play.

Thank you, you've given me some good info to consider, I really appreciate this response from a place of logic as opposed to the previous people who replied to you that suggested he is batshit crazy.

@BettyBardMacDonald That's a really shitty comment about somebody who is neurodiverse and likely cannot control their behaviour. You just sound cruel and ignorant.

The causes of the behaviour are irrelevant; the OP cannot control that. All she can control are her own choices in dealing with the behaviour. It would not be worth it to me, especially with my children's well being at stake.

We can like and care about people without making them our romantic and domestic partners.

I have dated someone with anxious attachment and I wouldn’t knowingly date someone like this again because I didn’t enjoy being used as an emotional support martyr type mother figure for someone. The problem was not that my ex wanted love, it was the type of love he wanted. He wanted Movie love, clutching each other breathlessly, while declaring how perfect I am and to promise I’d never leave him. It’s a young juvenile love that they sometimes seek. It’s not realistic.

Reassuring them doesn’t work and they can engage in some unpleasant protest behaviours when their needs are not being met. In my experience it is impossible to meet their needs as their needs gradually increase and their expectations can become unrealistic and abusive.

Some people who realise they have attachment issues and want to change find therapy extremely difficult. But your boyfriend doesn’t realise he has a problem, and he isn’t negatively effected by it. Only you are.

You think he’s too much. He thinks you need to be more. You’re not compatible.

I'm autistic.

Just because someone is autistic does not mean that everyone has to accept controlling/abusive behaviours.

The DP's behaviour isn't one I've seen typically displayed by fellow people with autism, but that's not to say it's unrelated.

Either way, nobody has to accept behaviour in a relationship that they don't feel is reasonable. I couldn't cope with OP's partner.